papel-blog

blog interrupted

2009-02-18T10:26:00.002-05:00

Five things that led to the accidental hiatus of this blog:

1. The more Jonathan Papelbon became a walking self-parody, the harder it got to come up with new and original funny things to say about him, and it always felt weird to transition into being just another Red Sox blog, because there are so many great ones out there already.
2. Blogspot sucks.
3. Josh Beckett’s oblique injury broke our hearts.
4. Blogspot really sucks.
5. Blogspot really, really sucks.

So given that we’re stuck in the tall grass of the worst time of the year for any sports fan (football is over, NBA is still stumbling back from the All-Star Break, 42-year-old pitchers are ambling around Florida pretending they enjoy doing wind sprints), we figured the time was ripe to set up a new, more grab-baggy sports blogging set of digs.

don’t quit, don’t even quit.

We’ll still be discussing Papelbon’s K/9, the Josh Beckett Press Conference Drinking Game and the upside of trading Julio Lugo for a bag of balls and then using the bag of balls to throw at Julio Lugo. But we’ll also mix in Kelly’s desire to attend a PFLAG meeting with Jeff Garcia’s mom, Katie’s March Madness bracket and, of course, the fact that A-Rod slaps balls. We hope you’ll join us!

break out your styx river dogs cap and jacket

2008-09-11T12:11:00.003-04:00

In the middle of the 13th inning, I thought to myself, "You know, no matter what happens, the bullpen has really stepped up tonight. Seven scoreless innings from Okajima, Masterson, Delcarmen and Lopez? With Papelbon unavailable, this was huge. No matter what happens, you've got to feel good about that."

Unfortunately, "no matter what happens" logic never ever, ever, ever holds up in the morning unless what happens is that your team wins.

i woke up and remembered that we lost that game and i was angry all over again.

2008-09-10T10:14:00.002-04:00

Really, Paps? On my birthday? Really?

back, ready, rested

2008-09-09T09:21:00.002-04:00

Yeah, we stopped posting again, and I could come up with a catchy excuse about why, but who cares? These are the times that ~~try men's souls~~ try a Papelblogger's liver. The Red Sox are engaged in a three-game set to determine who will emerge in first place in the AL East, and I can't spend the duration of the series making jokes about Derek Jeter's sexual orientation in order to cope. And judging from what went down in Foxboro on Sunday, football is not going to be the stress-reducing distraction from the pennant race that it has been in previous years.

Thoughts on last night's staring contest with the Rays:

[x] Jon Lester, let me know what you'd like to name my first-born.

[x] I love the re-animated corpse of Coco Crisp! But where did he come from? I credit the haircut.

[x] Jason Bay, your face is made of plastic, but sometimes you hit towering home runs. I don't think there's any need to try and resort to white guy dreads, I think we can make this work.

[x] Papelbon grabbing the mic from K.Tap to say, "Cinco Ocho, he don't know how he do, he just do," during his post-game interview officially has me slightly more worried than usual about his mental state. But as long as he keeps that K/9 and K/BB in double digits, he can do whatever he wants, I suppose. But when is Cinco Ocho going to demand his own locker? It seems inevitable.

[x] Rumor has it Derek Jeter's had a bottle of Champagne on ice in his locker since he heard about ARod's divor-- okay, okay, I know, we're playing the Rays for first place, I know, I just can't help it! Old habits die hard.

Seriously, this time we're back for good. If you can't tune in to see if Dustin Pedroia will win the batting title, what can you tune in for?

what happened to kansas city, a free win with every visit?

2008-08-05T08:00:00.001-04:00

I always feel like there's nothing worse than having Daisuke Matsuzaka turn in one of those agonizing performances where he, say, stretches 109 pitches over six innings but there were definitely points during the game when it seemed like he only might go 4.1 innings, and he only gives up two hits but he also gives up five walks and he gets away with only allowing two runs by striking out nine and stranding seven guys on base. When all's said and done it was a quality start with an impressive number of Ks, but you also felt like he was going to start blowing chunks at any moment.

Oh wait, THOSE WERE GIL MECHE'S STATS LAST NIGHT. Now I know -- it's torture watching Daisuke pitch what passes for "well" this season, but it's much, much, much worse for the other team.

Also, seriously, when was the last time Tampa Bay lost and the Red Sox won on the same night? They had Cliff Lee and you had the Kansas City Flippin' Royals and you couldn't get me a game in the standings? Do you want to push me over this ledge?

three games / five stages of grieving

2008-08-04T11:03:00.001-04:00

Weekend with the Athletics

Friday
I did not think it was possible that I could want to shank Julio Lugo more than I already do, but now that Jed Lowrie is playing while Lugo's on the DL, Julio Lugo is actually making me hate him more while doing absolutely nothing. Recently I learned that Jed Lowrie is from Salem, Oregon, where I spent three of the most miserable years of my life (AKA college). I wonder if he would have watched the 2002 World Series with me when none of my friends would and I ended up watching the entire thing alone in my studio apartment eating rice with peanut butter and drinking tap water, because I was a) broke and b) under 21. That would have been cool.

Jason Bay is like the new step-dad who is trying really, really hard to let you know that we're all one big happy family now. Every time he takes me out for ice cream, I worry that I'm being disloyal to Manny.

Saturday
Jon Lester had some spectacular starts in the month of July (thinking about his two games against the Yankees makes me weak in the knees), but Saturday's game was the kind of game that makes me think that he's really turned the corner and good Lester is not an illusion. After the home run and high pitch count disaster of a first inning, it looked like we were heading for a 4 runs/5 innings performance at the very best, but instead he toughed up and turned in six scoreless innings. I said this a couple times about Beckett last year -- your ace is the stopper, but he's also the guy who realizes he does not have his best stuff that day but is also able to keep you in the game and eat innings. Jon Lester appears to be that pitcher this season. The baby crab is officially all grown up.

Also on Saturday I saw a guy wearing a Manny jersey shirt and I felt like he was wearing a hot pink mini-dress to a funeral.

Sunday
I am a mostly sabermetricly-minded person, but, last year, there was a certain part of me that was like, "Beckett has 21 wins! 21 WINS! Give him the Cy Young already!" (Although I still think the argument can be made that he deserved it because of strength of opponents and park factors.) I feel like Daisuke Matsuzaka is on a one-man mission to punish me for having those feelings, as he is probably going to be the most frustrating pitcher to ever win 18 or 19 games in a season. Daisuke, I just want you to know: every time you take a batter to a 3-2 count, a kitten DIES.

You know how sometimes on the news, the anchor warns the viewing audience that the following footage may be disturbing to some viewers? I wish NESN would do that every time they show highlights of Manny in a Dodgers uniform.

then why was it all so good?

2008-08-02T20:44:00.001-04:00

Our belated thoughts on the Manny trade, thanks to a couple days spent locked out of the blog because Blogger erroneously thought we were spam.

kelly:
Recently Joe Posnanski wrote this great post about Brett Favre. Basically, he said that everything that made Brett Favre one of the greater quarterbacks ever is everything that's making Brett Favre the guy who doesn't care about untidying his legacy. I like this idea, because sometimes it's easy to forget that star athletes aren't actually fictional characters. They may show up on my TV more often than a Law and Order re-run, but there aren't any show runners behind the curtain scripting them into narrative arcs. There aren't very many happy endings in sports. Sometimes there's no real definitive ending at all.

Oh, Manny. I should have known that everything I loved about you was everything that was going to make it so messy when it was time for you to go.

katie:
So, Manny no longer being Manny, at least in Boston. So much to say, but thanks to Blogger thinking that we're spam (I sort of understand-- I mean, Papelbon is a bit of a walking advertisement these days -- maybe he's started hawking Russian mail order brides or something and google-bot got confused), we're a little late getting to this and the emotions have settled. Mostly, I'm annoyed at the attitudes involved and yes, as Kelly points out above, everything about Manny makes his childish exit unsurprising. Which is true and it's not so much him I'm irritated with -- I stopped being irritated with anything Manny does a long, long time ago.

What I'm actually sick of is every single time the Red Sox send a player who is popular with the fans out of town, there's always a series of conveniently-timed leaks from the front office about how unhappy everyone in the clubhouse is with the player, about how the organization tried to make this a good exit/keep the player but were unable to due to their inherent uncooperativeness, etc, etc, etc. It happened with Nomar, it happened with Pedro, it sort of happened with Schill, and it's happening again with Manny. I'm not saying it's not true. if I were a player on that team, I'd probably be irritated with all the superstars. But only to a point. I mean, professional athletes are used to insane, overpaid, and over-pampered prima donnas. and more than any player before, everyone knew how exasperating Manny could be. But just once I'd like to see a classy response from the front office about how the player has given a lot to the organization, but a business decision is a business decision so thanks and goodbye that isn't then undermined by playing on the Boston media's tendency to turn on any player with the slightest provocation. I mean, maybe they're not doing that, but it's awfully coincidental, you know?

Unrelated to all that, Jason Bay! I like that if we're going to add another boring white guy to the team that it's a Canadian one with (hopefully) neutral feelings on religion and not too much interest in making himself a New England folk hero. He seems like a decent fellow, really.

kelly:
Having spent a couple days telling people that I would like to sell them Viagra and XXX porn (you know, the usual spammer stuff), I've calmed down a little bit. I agree with Katie, the front office stuff is frustrating. It's like, yeah, all the rumors that are coming out are most likely true, but it doesn't make me feel good to have learned that stuff, you know? It increases the time between when I was bummed that Manny left and when everything was a fuzzy memory of good times, shenanigans and towering home runs.

I am prepared to embrace the Jason Bay era. Although, with Manny's departure and Lugo's trip to the DL (get well ~~soon~~ never!) the team has gotten ... awfully white. This is exacerbated by Bay, Drew and Lowrie batting right in a row, they look like the world's most WASPy, non-threatening set of triplets.

the glass is most decidedly half-empty

2008-07-29T21:30:00.003-04:00

Despite all the things that are going wrong with the Red Sox lately (and they are many, although I wouldn't know, exactly, because the shenanigans regarding a certain person with the initials M.A.R. have sent me into a rage-induced media blackout), at least we can add "is the kind of guy who breaks up a no-hitter in the ninth inning" to the legend of Dustin Pedroia, the scrappiest mighty midget to ever play the game of baseball.

At least that's something, right?

three friday afternoon things

2008-07-25T13:12:00.001-04:00

1. After my last post, I was walking down 4th Ave in Downtown Seattle and I heard some guy shouting out of a cab to someone on the street. I looked up to see what the guy in the cab was shouting about and, hanging his entire head out of the cab like a golden retriever was Jonathan Papelbon. No clue what he was shouting about, though.

2. Apparently JD Drew was a virgin until he was 26 years old. This explains a lot about fan complaints that he's passionless. Obviously he has a lot of experience keeping his emotions bottled up.

3. Beckett versus Joba tonight! I hope Beckett destroys him and makes his spleen into a hat.

field trip at safeco

2008-07-22T11:23:00.001-04:00

Once again, we fail at posting, and we don't even have a good excuse this time! But I did want to drop a quick note to let you all know that I am at least 67% responsible for last night's Christmas in July miracle, a win at Safeco Field.

Apparently, my attendance at a game is the anti-bellwether of the Red Sox home/road splits during the 2008 season. I've seen six games this season, two rare Fenway losses (the game where Lester had to start on three days rest, the frustrating Buccholz return two Fridays ago) and four rare road wins (the two games of the opening series that were played in Oakland, the comedy of errors 15 inning game in Baltimore and last night's game). So even though the Sox had just been swept by the Angels, I had no doubt that they were winning last night.

And, well, the pitching Jon Lester (let's all just forget about that nonsense in the eighth inning, baby crab is a motherfuckin' stopper) didn't hurt either.

P.S. - We ate lunch at a steakhouse on 3rd Ave, and the waitress looked at my shirt and said, "Oh, you just missed one of your players, he was here with his girlfriend." I asked to go find out which player, and she said, "Josh ... Buckett?" Good thing Katie wasn't with me, she might have wept. So I highly recommend Von's Grand City Cafe, they have a 34oz beer that they call a personal pitcher and Josh Beckett eats there.

P.P.S. - Continuing my near-misses with Sox players, I also jaywalked on the same street as Manny. I don't blame him, that entire area is a botched abortion, apparently they don't start running city buses until 90 minutes after the game ends. I actually missed the Green Line!

P.P.P.S. - No time to get caught up on everything we've missed, but -- Papelbon is going to name is baby Megatron, y/y?

trapped in tiny house

2008-07-02T09:46:00.000-04:00

Katie has a friend who is -- really and truly, and not to mention bravely, given that she lives in Boston -- a Tampa Bay fan. At Katie's birthday party a couple weeks ago, I was sitting next to her and I said, "I'm really happy for the Rays. Seriously! It's awesome! It must be so great for you guys." And probably a bunch of other stuff. I was kind of drunk. We were at Deep Ellum, and they have this beer that tastes just like gumdrops, and -- but I digress. I really have been happy for the now-reformed Satanists and their suffering fans over the last few months. But that happiness has a limit. And it turns out that I reached my limit during the first inning of last night's game.

Ugh.

81 games

2008-06-27T19:06:00.006-04:00

With 81 games in the books and 81 games remaining, many of our fellow Red Sox bloggers have posted mid-season progress reports. Many of these have been well-thought-out and educational. This mid-season report is neither of those things. We are going to grade the Red Sox players' performance based on how we would react if the individual player was on fire.

ranked in order of VORPOF (value over replacement player on fire)

JD Drew, VORPOF = 27.4 If I saw that JD Drew was on fire, I would just assume it had something to do with the Rapture, and that after spending a season suffering for our sins, JD Drew was clearly the second coming of Jesus Christ. Too soon to start calling him JC Drew?

Kevin Youkilis, VORPOF = 24.5 I would be so enraged to see Youk on fire that I would throw my batting helmet in the base path, slam something very large and heavy into the club house wall, and scream loudly in Manny's face in hopes that one of these things would appropriately convey to the world that I was ANGRY.

Manny Ramirez, VORPOF = 24.2 Consult with team to see if there is a "Manny Accidentally Set Himself on Fire While Trying to Juggle Firecrackers with His Kids" protocol. There's got to be, right? Don't you imagine that this happens, like, once a week?

Jon Lester, VORPOF = 23.7 He survived cancer, came back to win the clinching game of the World Series, pitch a no-hitter and emerge as the 2008 first half ace. For him, being set on fire is probably the equivalent of being tickled by your kid brother.

Josh Beckett, VORPOF = 16.8 You know how sometimes guys who want to show that they are total bad-asses will lick their thumb and their index finger and then snuff the flame of a candle that way? I imagine Josh Beckett would do something like that if he was engulfed in flames. Unfortunately, he might then give up a couple homeruns, but the man just single-handedly saved himself from immolation, are you really gonna complain?

Dustin Pedroia, VORPOF = 15.3 Approach cautiously. If this is some kind of behavior modification technique that will help him increase the number of walks he takes, I don't want to interfere.

Jacoby Ellsbury, VORPOF = 14.7 Jacoby is fourth among all rookies in VORPOF (second is Fukudome, and I'm dubious about whether or not he should count) and second among all AL rookies, so maximum effort should be made to assist him if he happens to catch on fire. (Maybe it occurred as a result of his lightening quickness on the base paths?) However, I am pretty sure that Jacoby's 286,598 future wives currently residing in the Boston Metro area (he is Mormon, after all) will sacrifice themselves to save him, so he'll probably be okay.

Mike Lowell, VORPOF = 14.0 Before attempting to put out the fire with the shield of my own body, briefly make sure that the line of succession is in place for the presidency of NHCaPRSFWPNtBiMH218i2010! (The propaganda machine formerly known as NDRaPRSFftEMRSoML).

David Ortiz, VORPOF = 13.9 Is this some sort of wacky holistic treatment to rehabilitate his wrist? At this point, I would be willing to try anything. Get well soon, Papi, get well very, very, very soon.

Tim Wakefield, VORPOF = 13.6 When a dude signs what's essentially a lifetime contract, you gotta figure he knows that eventually they're going to set him on fire, it's just a matter of when. Still, his zen-master old-dude acceptance of his inevitable fate doesn't mean I wouldn't use Craig Hansen's hair to beat out the flames.

Daisuke Matsuzaka, VORPOF = 13.6 Whether or not I would lift a finger to help put out the fire strongly depends on whether or not Daisuke had just taken an at-bat from 0-2 to 3-2.

Sean Casey, VORPOF = 10.2 Keep an eye on the situation, but briefly do nothing, wait around to see who comes to his aid, whether he's really the most likeable player in baseball.

David Aardsma, VORPOF = 10.0 If David Aardsma caught on fire, would one of the local papers finally write something about him? How is it possible that we still do not know anything about him, other than that his last name is a colloquial term for certain male grooming habit. Amalie Benjamin, I know that trying to tame your many flyaways is a full-time job, but can't you see the man is on fire here? What else does he have to do to get you to write a nice, folksy article about him?

Julio Lugo, VORPOF = 9.9 Two words: lighter fluid. And I don't care that, statistically, he is in the top ten among Red Sox position players in VORPOF. Julio Lugo is the one player who turns me into Joe Morgan as far as valuing sabermetrics is concerned. (Katie can't help but add: Julio Lugo's continued presence in this plane of existence makes me want to set myself on fire, so I would actually put the fire out so that I could revive his lifeless body and set him on fire all over again.)

Justin Masterson, VORPOF = 9.7Justin Masterson may have a Major League VORPOF of 9.7, but his VORPOF among players who began the 2008 season in AA ball is something like 262.5. Pretty spiffy.

Hideki Okajima, VORPOF = 8.4 Did you know that Okajima's pitched 33 innings, has given up 33 hits, and has 33 strikeouts? Does that seem creepy to anyone else? Is it possible the flames are a sign that he may have sold his soul to the devil? I mean, how else do you explain his performance last year? Not to mention that creepy song.

Coco Crisp, VORPOF = 7.8 Hmmm ... well. I mean. He's a nice guy, right? And he's batting over 250. Sure he whines a lot, but he rarely has the chance to bunt on the lead-off pitch anymore. Oh, wait, the flames have reached his catching arm. Well, I guess there's no point in doing much of anything, then ....

Jonathan Papelbon, VORPOF = 7.4 Silly, those aren't flames -- that's just a Dunkin' Donuts ad.

Javier Lopez, VORPOF = 7.3 If there's any justice, it's a case of self-immolation over the ridiculousness of his statistical VORPOF compared to his VORPHSBSOF (value over replacement player who should be set on fire), which is a stunning -97.8.

Manny Delcarmen, VORPOF = 6.8 I would put them out. Immediately. Have you seen the small child this man has to live for?

Alex Cora, VORPOF = 2.2 Surely his often-touted genius-level baseball intelligence will get him out of this?

Bartolo Colon, VORPOF = 1.9 He's going through a rough patch at the moment, but I would put out that fire as quick as his delivery to the plate. That's how much I love quick workers.

Jason Varitek, VORPOF = 1.1 No need for alarm. Varitek isn't afraid of fire, fire is afraid of Varitek. Fire is afraid of Varitek the way that I was afraid of his 2 for 27 slump.

Kevin Cash, VORPOF = -0.6 I would assume that he will emerge from the flames like the sword of Excalibur or some such, ready to hit 3-run bombs that land on the Lansdowne Street parking garage. Or any other explanation that makes absolutely no sense.

Clay Buchholz, VORPOF = -1.4 I don't know. The fire is probably just one in the series of mysterious injuries the Sox are using to convince him he could use a little more time in AAA.

Craig Hansen, VORPOF = -3.0 It's gonna be difficult to figure out this particular fire's source of origin. Grease fire starting with his hair? Tragic bong-in-the-bullpen accident?

Mike Timlin, VORPOF = -5.3 Tip my cap and wish him the best of luck pitching for the Styx River Dogs.

but at what point will jerry remy day get me a day off work?

2008-06-24T22:29:00.001-04:00

Tonight's game was --

-- ~~the third game in a series of absolute failures in offensive production.~~

-- ~~possibly, now that JD Drew's inhuman hot streak has cooled off, what this offense is going to look like without David Ortiz.~~

-- difficult to even recognize as a baseball game, it was so full of Remdawg Day shenanigans, causing my roommate to repeatedly ask, "Do they ever talk about the game?" and "Does he know he's on television right now?"

-- ~~not was I was expecting when everyone said, "No, they're losing Ortiz at the best time possible, when they're going to be tearing through interleague play!~~

-- ~~the kind of game where I was glad I was only listening from the kitchen while I made black bean enchiladas with from-scratch tortillas.~~

-- YAY AWESOME DUSTIN PEDROIA YAY MIKE LOWELL YAY VARITEK YAY PAPELBON YAY YAY YAY.

[falls over]

and on eck's mustache day, we rest

2008-06-22T18:53:00.001-04:00

Okay, I'm hungover as shit (Katie's birthday party last night, I made her a card with a picture of Josh Beckett that said, "Hope you execute a happy birthday") and the Sox are trying to avoid getting swept by the freakin' CARDINALS, it's time for a live blog!

(I'd like to dedicate this live blog to Uncle Bill, who says we don't post enough any more. If the Sox lose during said live blog, I will take this as a sign that we should post even less.)

pregame
I am saying right now before ~~God~~ Eck's mustache and everyone, I am thinking about Jon Lester, the former Mr. Inconsistent McInconsistency, and what I am thinking is, "Oh great, it's our stopper!" This should be interesting. I reserve the right to come back and delete this if he makes me look like a complete idiot.

rain delay
Jesus Christ. Do they not understand that I planned my entire hangover recovery schedule around this game starting at 1:35?

top of the first
Well, so far so good.

bottom of the first
Joel Piñeiro. Hilarious. Can we set up an exchange student program where we send our mediocre relief pitchers to the National League and we get them back six months later as serviceable back-of-the-rotation starters?

top of the second
Lester getting some very nice looking swings and misses.

bottom of the second
This ump's strike call is ridiculous. Is he calling a baseball game or gunslinging? Also, that graphic that showed Jason Varitek's batting average since May 24 made my eyes bleed. And just like that, he hits into a double play. Great!

top of the third
What the hell is that necklace that Brendan Ryan is wearing? It looks like it belongs on a lady who lunches ... in New Jersey. Meanwhile, Lester pitches around Ryan's fluky automatic double.

bottom of the third
Is this Joel Piñeiro evil twin Kal-El?

top of the fourth
Remy talks about how home/road split statistics make no sense, and there is no explanation for why certain players hit better on the road. Um, park factors? I guess they park factors didn't come up in conversation during the last episode of Sox Appeal.

In non-vitrol related news: That water slide catch that Jacoby Ellsbury made to end the inning is certainly a vote for the theory that the run prevention of the Ellsbury/Crisp/Drew outfield balances out a significant amount of David Ortiz's run production.

bottom of the fourth
Don-O talking about Joel Piñeiro's last complete game shut-out. Kelly wondering whether or not it would be problematic to resort to hair of the dog.

top of the fifth
Coco apparently has something to say about the power of run prevention. Two outs in the inning and I am now officially hoping that the game goes official before the rain starts so that we don't waste this great Lester performance. Lester then strikes out Larue and, oh yes, as I was so presciently saying a couple hours ago, Jon Lester is a motherfucking stopper.

bottom of the fifth
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. The worst inning yet. On the other hand, I just heard some pretty righteous thunder, so we may not have to watch this pathetic offensive performance for much longer.

Although, that reminds me, on Friday I was at home in Somerville watching the game and it was clearly raining pretty heavily during the duck boat portion of the pre-game and it was not raining in the slightest outside my window. I know Somerville is across the river and all, but I didn't realize it was in a different ecosystem.

top of the sixth
Shit. It all falls apart quickly, starting with back-to-back doubles to lead off the inning, and St. Louis scores twice. A two runs over six innings performance is perfectly good performance, but Lester is probably going to get the our-offense-sucks-goat-balls loss.

bottom of the sixth
Runner on second with two outs, JD Drew at bat. I think, "he could tie the game by going yard," and it doesn't seem completely preposterous. And then JD reminds me that there is still a Nancy lurking inside of him by hitting one right at Joel. Great. This is the worst live blog ever.

top of the seventh
Lester able to bounce back in the seventh. Only makes lack of run support more painful.

bottom of the seventh
YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUK!

top of the eighth
Lester back out for the eighth. Interesting. He gets one hit and one loud out and that's the end of his day. Nice standing ovation. Maybe the crowd could start hitting in the nine hole. This is followed by a really nice performance by Run MDC.

bottom of the eighth
HAH. Ankiel just fell flat on his ass trying to make a catch in center and Coco leads off the inning with a triple. If the Sox squander runner on third and no outs, I will proceed to light myself on fire. Lugo somehow manages to not ground into a double play (you know he wanted to) and the game is tied.

Pedroia gets a two-out hit! Pedroia steals second! JD takes a walk! Manny takes a four-pitch walk! Mike Lowell takes ANOTHER four-pitch walk and the Sox take the lead! I'm not even going to bitch about how they left the bases loaded. This is the best live blog ever!

top of the ninth
Ankiel strikes out so hard on that Papelbon fastball that I thought he was going to fall on his ass again. Molina proceeds to strike out looking. Four pitch walk? DO. NOT. WANT.

And then some other stuff happens that displeases me so much I cannot even talk about it.

bottom of the ninth
More stuff I cannot even talk about.

top of the tenth
Okie sucks briefly, sacks up.

bottom of the tenth
Ellsbury leads off with a double, Pedroia executes a great bunt and gets Ellsbury to third. JD strikes out, eliminating the possibility of a sac fly, and I want to light him on fire. Sean Casey pinch-hits, flies out. Garbage.

top of the eleventh
I love Craig Hansen

bottom of the eleventh
Bases loaded, one out and you can't score? I fucking can't even.

top of the twelfth
Kelly + Craig Hansen 4eva

bottom of the twelfth
Lead off double from Pedroia. Whatever. I refuse to get excited. They will find a way to screw this up, I just know they will. Yep, there we go. Inning ending double play.

top of the thirteenth
Oh great, Javier Lopez. Lopez sucks, predictably, but Drew throws a bullet from right field and Varitek makes a great tag at the plate, and the beat goes on. I've been half-dressed and wanting to go to the grocery store for, like, two hours.

bottom of the thirteenth
YOOOOOOUUUUUK! Youkilis realizes that this scoring on base hits shit is not going to work and hits a two-run homer to win the game. Yes! If I had sat through this entire debacle to watch them lose, I would have stabbed myself in the face! So my face and the Sox tired bullpen both live to fight another day. And I'm not even upset that Lopez vultured another win.

about last night

2008-06-18T10:55:00.000-04:00

Since all the other Sox blogs are breaking character and posting about the Celtics, here is my story about the clinching game:

Katie and I watched the game at Mike's in Davis Square. We got there a little early so we could snag a booth before it got crowded. One person who also got there early was a lone Lakers fan (who really, really strongly resembled Jaleel White, we spent the whole game trying to decide if it was actually him) who was wearing a Kobe jersey and loudly talking smack to anyone who would listen. The whole first half, I wanted to start jawing back at him, but Katie wouldn't let me, because it's her job to keep me from getting arrested. As the outcome of the game became more and more inevitable, he started to quiet down (except when he would try to start "Fire Phil!" chants with … himself), and when there were about three minutes to go, when the game was effectively already over, he tore off his jersey and shouted, "FUCK THE LAKERS!" Everybody in the bar cheered. As annoying as he'd been all night, that moment was totally worth it.

And then, you know, the Celtics won the NBA title.

fail boat

2008-06-16T21:03:00.001-04:00

Now pitching for the Styx River Dogs, Miiiiike Tiiiimlin!

this could all be settled with a simple big buck hunter tournament of champions

2008-06-12T16:06:00.003-04:00

As seen, uh, everywhere, Papelbon attempts to make up for having not been caught on camera administering purple nurples during the brawl with the Rays by issuing fighting words here.

Two questions:

1. Other players have scheduled appeals with regard to their suspensions, pleading that their actions weren't really that bad, and they deserve to be suspended for fewer games. Do you think Papelbon tried to schedule an appeal to explain that he really was much more of an animal during the brawl than the camera managed to catch, and he probably deserves to be suspended for two or three games?

2. Doug Mirabelli memorably arrived to a game in a cop car in 2006? Will the next series with the Rays end with Papelbon leaving in a cop car?

bizarro sox

2008-06-10T19:59:00.002-04:00

Uhh ... JD Drew and Manny Ramirez, the best 3-4 combination in baseball? Yeah, right, and I'm abandoning this game in the fifth inning to go watch the Celtics play a NBA Finals game.

[...]

Hey, wait a second!

some notes from the FOX Saturday afternoon game circle of hell

2008-06-07T18:43:00.001-04:00

& I fucking hate Richie Sexton. Primarily because he attempted to kill my beloved Typo, but also because he's a human freak show. Everybody knows he's tall, but have you ever noticed that all his height is in his torso? I was walking him walk back to the dugout after he struck out swinging in the second, and I noticed that the distance between the bottom of his numbers and his waistband is about twice as long as everyone else on his team. Human freak show.

& The only thing more fantastic than Manny hitting a homerun into the deepest reaches of the parking garage is the fact that he's wearing one #24 and one #34 wristband today. Manny, you magnificent bastard.

& Of all the solutions that people suggested as a stop-gap during Papi's injury -- greater emphasis on small ball, Chris Carter, players like JD Drew stepping up their offensive production, Barry Bonds -- I would have predicted that Barry Bonds would be getting his XXXL size neck fitted for a Red Sox jersey before I would have predicted JD Drew going on a scorching hot streak. I'm seriously not kidding.

& Announcers confused that fans are chanting "BEAT LA!" when there is still the remainder of this game and tomorrow afternoon's game between now and Game 2 for the Celtics. Apparently they are unaware that Bostonians have been starting random "BEAT LA!" chants every day for the last eight days, at Red Sox games, on the MBTA, in the liquor store, etcetera. I started a "BEAT LA!" chant with myself in the shower on Thursday morning.

& Dear Youk: The best way to ensure that you don't go back to the dugout and slam the equipment around in frustration? Hit scorching doubles. See how much fun that is? It's a shame that Remy and Don-O aren't calling this game. With an 11-2 lead, they'd probably be giving themselves giggle fits role playing a Sox Appeal date, doing play-by-play of their Tic Tac Toe game or some other ludicrous nonsense.

& I know that the save statistic is a ridiculous and artificial statistic, but why does Papelbon always seem to give up garbage runs when pitching with a greater than three run lead? It makes me think there might be something to clutch situations. Fire Joe Morgan is going to take away my Blogger account.

& 9th inning blip notwithstanding, excellent win. Anytime you can put up 11 runs with five regulars out of the line-up is a day for puppies and ice cream.

not so triumphant return

2008-06-06T21:45:00.001-04:00

Hello out there to anyone who is still listening! Katie and I apologize for falling off the map for a minute there, there was work and then it was springtime but now it's cold and rainy and like a Stockholm Syndrome conditioned resident of New England, that is the weather I associate with baseball, so let's play along with tonight's game and also catch up with the events of the last several weeks.

top of the first
Oh jeez, I hope we can blame these two runs on unlucky defense, because I am enjoying the Bartolo Colon era so much, I would hate to see the wheels come off.

(I have great affection for every member of the Red Sox rotation, active, on the DL, currently demoted to the minors and otherwise. Unlike my co-author, I even enjoy the blogging styles of Curt Schilling. But the rotation feels overly populated with slow workers: Dice-K, who needs to figure out if he wants to go 3-2, 3-1 or 3-0 before attempting to actually make an out, Josh Beckett, who just needs a little extra time to perfect his menacing glare and then, of course, there's Wake, who may not necessarily work slowly, but the speed of his actual pitches always seems to guarantee you a 3.5+ hour game. Coming into tonight's game, Bartolo Colon has been a strike throwing machine. He throws a strike, he gets the ball back, he throws a strike.)

bottom of the first
NANCY! Nancy is certainly blossoming in the three spot, but we'll say no more about it because then he'll go out next inning and break his fingernail and be out for five games.

(VERTIGO? I MEAN. SERIOUSLY. VERTIGO? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I would be remiss, of course, if I failed to mention the reason that Nancy is currently inhabiting the three spot, the wrist injury of David Ortiz. I know many people are gnashing their teeth over whether a -- god forbid -- season-ending injury for Ortiz might mean a spot on the roster for Barry Bonds, but I believe we previously discussed that I am one of the last three Barry Bonds fans left on the East Coast. The first rule of being a Barry Bonds fan is that you never attempt to justify for Barry Bonds fandom, so I can't really get into it, but it's an awkward position. If you think that's bad, wait 'til you hear about how I hate both Lance Armstrong and Magic Johnson.)

Also, do you think Papi has figured out how to bedazzle his cast yet?)

top of the second
Okay, three up, three down! That's more like it! I can't tell you how much I have come to love Bartolo Colon in such a short period of time.

bottom of the second
Here is my thing -- if a player is going to get upset because the second baseman is blocking the base, or because the pitcher throws at him, he should be upset because these actions aren't letting him play to his full offensive potential. Coco Crisp's at-bat with two outs with the bases loaded: fouled off home plate, fouled off own foot, fouled off home plate again, couldn't hold up on a pitch that was set up outside. If this is your full offensive potential, don't bother charging the mound.

(Which is not to say that brawls are not wonderful. I'm just disappointed that there wasn't a camera guy following the bullpen out into the fracas, because I have been wondering since the summer of 2005 how Papelbon would react in the middle of a full-scale throw-down and I rewound that sucker about 18 times on my Tivo and still don't have the shot of Papelbon giving Scott Kazmir a wedgie at the bottom of a pile that I have to believe exists. But let's give out a few brawl awards:

Player I was most surprised to see acting the peacemaker: Julio Lugo
Player I was most surprised to see throwing punches: Sean Casey (?!?!)
Player I expected to bite a few more ankles: Dustin Pedroia
Player who looked like a wimp when his attempts to pull people off Coco were limited to tugging at the backs of their jerseys: Jacoby Ellsbury
Former Red Sox player I missed the most during the course of the brawl, 1a: Julian Tavarez
Former Red Sox player I missed the most during the course of the brawl, 1b: Pedro Martinez)

top of the third
Have I ever mentioned that Ichiro has a really weirdly pear-shaped ass? Seriously, watch him the next time he's up to bat. It's weird. Weirder than Derek Jeter's surgical ass implants. The Mariners scored again this inning. It was lame.

(I'm loving this Josh Beckett titanium necklace commercial. He moves his head around way more than is natural when he's adjusting the necklace, and ends up looking like one of the characters from the "Night at the Roxbury" SNL skit. Fantastic.)

bottom of the third
How many runners must they leave in scoring position during the course of this game? Do they want me to drink Drano?

top of the fourth
I was told that the Mariners were terrible. I would really like to see more evidence of this. I realize that the results thus far might have more to do with the Sox three throwing errors and less with the Mariners' lack of suckitude, but I still do not care for this one bit.

(Clearly I picked the worst game ever to do a "Hey, I'm still here! I still love the Red Sox!" running blog. Without an appropriate segue, let's just cut to the highlight of our three-week absence, Jon Lester's no-hitter. I wasn't watching the game, I watch an unhealthy number of the 162 games the Sox play each year, I figured a good game to skip in order to have a boozy dinner with my friends Martha and Anne would be a Jon Lester Monday night start against the Royals. I was getting ready to leave their house and I said, hey, can we check the Red Sox score really quick and it was the end of the sixth inning and I was like, "Uh, I know you guys don't like baseball that much, but I'm not leaving your house until this is over." This is the third game I've watched with these two friends in the last year, the first one was five-run comeback against the Yankees last April, the second one was the sixth game of the ALCS. I hope they think it's cool when I show up at their house on a random night and demand that they serve as my human good luck charm.)

bottom of the fourth
Don-O is pointing out that the silver lining is that at least King Felix has thrown a lot of pitches. Oh, for Christ's sake.

(Speaking of announcer boy -- I moved in with a new roommate last September, and while we get along great and have a lot in common, she has zero interest in baseball. I have been slowly brainwashing her, and it's coming along well. I keep meaning to start writing down the questions she asks me about Remy and Don-O. She'll walk in the room, look at the television, they'll be giggle-festing about Sox Appeal or some such and she'll be like, "Do they realize that they're on live television?" From the mouths of babes, man.)

top of the fifth
I've pretty much given up on this game. I'm not going to lie, I spent this entire half-inning looking at pictures of Barack and Michelle Obama. Please regard their fist-bumping! She's pretty foxy, also.

bottom of the fifth
Well, at least we were spared the indignity of stranding a runner in scoring position.

top of the sixth
AAAAAAAARDSMER! Sweet! I have not managed to learn any new facts about David Aardsma since was last spoke. I feel like we're really overdue for an Amalie Benjamin puff piece about him, yes?

bottom of the sixth
Ugh, seriously, this sucks. After all the injuries, the suspensions, the bizarre slap fight between Youks and Manny, it sucks to see the team come out flat against freakin' Seattle. Maybe deciding to get back to posting was a jinx. Maybe I should delete this entire post. But I've already written about a billion words, if I delete them now, I'll never get back on the blogging horse.

(This is getting way too depressing for a team that's going to be first place in their division at the end of tonight no matter what happens. Let's talk about Manny's 500th home run! Katie and I were actually at Camden Yards for the game before the 500th home run game, the epic, ridiculous thirteen inning game. So I can report that the total Red Sox fan hegemony is completely accurate. The game we were at coincided with the sixth game of the Celtics/Pistons series, and there were many "Let's go Celtics!" chants at many points during the night, which is kind of douche-y if you think about it, but endearing. Manny? Manny is Manny. You know what I mean.)

top of the seventh
So Javier Lopez actually get a ground out double play, which will convince Tito that he's actually useful for another couple months, great.

bottom of the seventh
Can the Red Sox finally score a run? No! No they cannot!

top of the eighth
More Lopez times!

bottom of the eighth
Roommate: "But why do they sing 'Sweet Caroline?'"

top of the ninth
Well, Lopez shouldn't be able to pitch for about three days after this three-inning appearance, so I guess that's a positive.

bottom of the ninth
This guy who is pitching for Seattle has a very long name. Is this the Australian guy? Hey, it is! Sox have Casey on second with nobody out and can't even get him home for the dignity-saving run, they lose 8-0.

I'm sure we all missed my cheerful optimism. We'll try to get back to posting more often.

strange things are afoot at the circle k

2008-05-13T22:52:00.002-04:00

Tonight, I did what I oh-so-frequently do on Tuesday nights, which is drink whiskey and watch the Red Sox try and set the world record for runners stranded in scoring position. The game -- let's not talk about it. If Coco Crisp decided that he couldn't take it anymore and got sick to his stomach, can the viewer be blamed for doing the same? So the Red Sox lost, and that was garbage, but then a weird thing happened. I was taking schadenfreude in Marino Rivera giving up a walk-off win in Tampa Bay, but then the Rays knocked the Red Sox out of first place in the AL East. I know it's only May 13, but seriously. Up is down? War is peace? Freedom is slavery? What the hell is going on?

In other news, the release of Julian Tavarez (RIP Batshit) contributes to my suspicion that David Aardsma is going to be around for the duration. I know three things about David Aardsma: 1) He walks more batters than I would prefer. 2) Alphabetically, he is the first player listed in the Baseball Encyclopedia. 3) He rocks the stirrups. I haven't gone out of my way to learn anything else about him because he had the look of a Joel Pineiro 2.0 about him; he would stink up the joint for the Sox until he was finally DFA'd and then he would go be an All Star for the St. Louis Cardinals. But now it appears that Aardsma (or as Remy would say, Aardsmer), is going to stick around, here are three more things I have learned:

1) His sister is a former Miss Colorado Teen USA
2) He is developing a reputation among his teammates as a ruthless Go Fish champion.
3) When he pitched for the Cubs, their fans decided that to "aardsma" someone was to dry shave their testicles.

Yeah, I made one of those things up. Obviously we'll only really know if Aardsma is being accepted in the clubhouse if Papelbon decides to teach him craps.

times like these

2008-05-13T09:24:00.002-04:00

kelly called yesterday to tell me that my beloved carnie king had been designated for assignment. she thought it was important I hear it from a friend, and she was right. I've been pretty focused on basketball and other trivial things lately, but it's losing someone like this that really make you focus and take stock. I just hope he ends up in a better place. I hear Colorado's sort of like heaven...

*

in other depressing news, the thing with papelbon is that we love him. obviously. but sometimes, you have to have words with those you love. and I think the time has come to suggest that perhaps our boy consider taking a quick break from working on his folk-hero image and doing dunkin' donuts ads and work on executing pitches.

I mean, julio lugo, I know. trust me, I know. but really? last time I checked jonathan papelbon didn't need to depend on julio lugo for his saves. he knows better than that.

so come on, show us all that that was just a fluke, paps.

correspondence

2008-05-08T09:26:00.003-04:00

Fr: Katie
To: Kelly
Sent: 1:08AM Thu, May 8
-------------------------
We're putting a hit out on Julio Lugo. You in?

(Yeah, yeah, I know, many good things have happened since we last spoke. Youk hit about 86 home runs, and Kevin Cash had a three hit night, and Mike Lowell is back from the dead and and Wake pitched a two-hit shut-out for eight innings and Manny and Papi went back to back for the first time in almost two years but Julio Lugo has a way of sucking all the joy out of the universe like an error-committing black hole.)

(Kelly: I posted your text message.

Katie: You can't do that, then they'll know it was us!

Kelly: I don't think we're the only people in the city of Boston who are in the process of trying to put a hit out in Julio Lugo.

Katie: That would be the hardest case to solve ever.)

wretch

2008-04-29T14:42:00.000-04:00

Since we last spoke, the Red Sox have inexplicably lost five games in a row (including a sweep at the hands of the ~~Devil Rays~~. The ~~DEVIL~~ RAYS), Mike Mussina has won two consecutive starts and I know this isn't baseball related, but the Celtics have spectacularly lost two playoff games and that was really awful, and it was glorious spring and now it's pouring rain and everyone had the flu for a thousand years and tonight the Sox have to play the Blue Jays and I hate David Eckstein and everything is terrible.

Ahem. Here is a feeble list of positives:

[1] (Hat-tip to Red Sox Monster): Jonathan Papelbon is more awesome than ever.
[2] My friend Martha located on the internet the bad-ass band of ninjas behind the Papelbon street art campaign. They have a bunch of photos here, and there are also t-shirts! Did I mention my birthday is coming up? It's actually not at all, but can we pretend it is?
[3] Tonight's game might get rained out, and during the course of that rainout, Julio Lugo might slip in a puddle and fracture his suck bone.
[4] Jorge Posada is on the disabled list.
[5] Mike Lowell is back in the line up.

Okay, let's do this.

"julio lugo, unassisted triple play?" "pretty much, yeah."

2008-04-24T00:15:00.004-04:00

you know when you go to fenway and they talk about the "code of conduct" and there's a video of the players reading the items on the code? at the end of that, they make an announcement that you should call a fenway hotline if "anyone hinders your enjoyment of the game" and they give the number.

well, I haven't tried it yet, but the next time I'm there, I'm going to call that hotline and tell them that julio lugo is hindering my enjoyment of the game and request that he be removed from the ballpark. because, no. unacceptable.

tonight's game, I believe, was the first annual all-backup player game, I think. for the price of admission we got kevin cash, jed lowrie, AND sean casey. thankfully, we didn't really pay that much because we had standing room tickets.

we did get to witness the almost-triumphant return of craig hansen. oh, craig. we believe in you! now you guys say it too-- if we all believe in curtis hansen and we all clap really loudly, we just might be able to resurrect him. come on, clap louder. keep clapping. just keep clapping, okay-- it might take a while.

never say die

2008-04-21T08:43:00.003-04:00

Oh, hi, sorry, we fell off the map for a minute there, didn't we? Since we last spoke: Katie attended that interminably endless Sunday night Yankees game and I haven't actually seen her since, she might have froze to death. Hopefully she will report in on all the new ways that she heckled Jorge Posada. I went to New York for a few days, but not at the same time as the team unfortunately, so I was unable to collect the free hit from Mike Mussina that all Boston metro area residents are eligible to redeem with the purchase of any flatbread pizza. Then I briefly went blind in one eye (so I was able to miss some of the uglier hacks during the lowest point of Papi's slump) and somewhere in there, the Red Sox rolled into Cleveland and gave the Indians two solid days of PTSD flashbacks.

So things continue to chug along, and it seems as though the team has won more come from behind games in the first twenty than they did over the course of 162 last season. And nothing makes me want to make out with a hunchback (I heart you, Sean Casey, but you run like Frankenstein's monster) like a team that keeps stacking up come from behind wins. A few more early big innings would be nice, but everything in good time.

As a random aside: the camera spotted Dustin Pedroia wearing a Rajon Rondo jersey shirt during the Celtics playoff game last night. Do you think the scrappy young guys on all the Boston teams have fellowship meetings? With secret handshakes? I sure hope so.)

And now it's time for the brunch game and the ~~triumphant~~ return of Kason "The Typo" Gabbard. As one of The Typo's few big fans (I was forced to defend his typo-like ways even within the authorship of my own blog), you'll have to excuse me if I spend the duration of this game self-cutting. But I think brings us up to date, yes?

In conclusion, the Papelblog would like you to pour a little on the ground for Jackie MacMullan. Amen.

items, bling, etcetera

2008-04-09T12:48:00.000-04:00

RE: The ring ceremony, here is Jonathan Papelbon, looking remarkably reserved and subdued on the solemn occasion of collecting his World Championship ring:

The great thing is that I'm being completely unsarcastic. He really does look remarkably reserved and subdued … for Papelbon. He's got pants on and everything.

(Having snuck to a bar across the street from my office to watch the ring ceremony, I was also more subdued than I expected. The 2007 season had the most double plus awesome outcome you could ask for, which made a small part of me sad that it was finally time to close the book. But, on the bright side, apparently the 2008 version of Daisuke Matsuzaka throws strikes on a much more consistent basis and the 2008 version of JD Drew is getting on base at a .400 clip.)

RE: Best beloved blogsake's star turn in the new Dunkin' Donuts video (it was on, like, five times during the Celtics game last night, but I haven't been able to find video on the internet – if anyone has a Youtube clip or something, let me know), I have several observations:

1. Lay off the bronzer, kid.
2. Do you think there was originally a version where he had speaking lines and then they had to edit them out because he kept laughing in the middle of his delivery or demanding that they be translated into Spanish?
3. Do you think the director offered to use a stand-in ass for all the parts where you only see him from the waist down and Papelbon totally refused?
4. How many times do you think you can watch this commercial before you start to get sick of it? Because I'm betting 2,384,590, but I'm sure NESN will test me.

+ / -

2008-04-06T19:14:00.001-04:00

Pluses and minuses on the botched abortion that was the Toronto series:
+ Road trip from hell is now over.
- Toronto Blue Jays still exist.
- David Eckstein has not yet died of dwarfism.
+ Upcoming opponent Tigers also appear to suck balls. (Please note I may be tempting fate here, at the time of this posting, final game of Tigers/White Sox series has not yet started.)
- Julio Lugo.
- Julio Lugo.
- Julio Lugo (one minus for each of his three fielding errors).
- Sloppy defense in general.
- All members of bullpen minus Oki and Best Beloved Blogsake.
- Not totally terrible starting pitching seeming much more mediocre in retrospect due to aforementioned bullpen, sloppy defense, Julio Lugo.
+ Kyle Snyder DFA'd, bullpen now free of pirates who like they were really into Slayer one summer.
- On-going trend of out-hitting teams while losing in the runs column.
- JD Drew tricking us all into thinking he doesn't suck.
+ + + + + + + Next game is preceded by ring ceremony because, oh yeah, you might not know it to look at them, but this team is 95% of the defending World Series champions. Perhaps the team's collective memory will be jogged as well.

in times like these, i turn to kyle farnsworth for comfort. fortunately, he usually delivers.

2008-04-04T22:15:00.002-04:00

Ugh. What a terrible game. Terrible bullpen effort, terrible fielding, (mostly) terrible offense. The most terrible part, though, was the realization that the 437 times the Sox play the Jays this year are going to be nine innings of David Eckstein ball-washing. I seriously think I'm going to develop an allergic reaction to hearing David Eckstein's name. And, even worse, the Dustin Pedroia/David Eckstein contrast and compare! As they say in catmacroese: do not want.

Furthermore, I see what you did there, JD Drew. Put together a couple consecutive games and we'll talk. As it stands, I'm committed to not calling you "Nancy" 83% of the time.

vacation

2008-04-03T15:08:00.004-04:00

So I attended the last two games of the transcontinental series against Oakland, and I feel like I should have more to say, but I've pretty much got two words and they are "hell" and "yes." Daisuke and Jon the baby crab Lester each pitched 6 and 2/3rds innings, with the former giving up one run and no (!!) walks and the latter giving up three walks and no (!!!) runs. Yeah, the offense is looking a little rusty, and I'm nervous to see how they perform when playing against a team that wasn't in Japan last week, but if the full-count twins can start putting together like they did over the last couple days, well, hot damn.

But let us briefly discuss the psyche of Oakland fans, because I am worried about them. On Opening Night, they were as feisty as I have seen them in three years of going to Sox games at the Coliseum, lots of booing and taunting (some of which inevitably turned to Spygate, which made me want to LIGHT MYSELF ON FIRE, but I digress). The guys sitting behind me were particularly enthused when Tek got robbed of that homer, but then their conversation turned the Coliseum's confusing dimensions, and the rape the stadium has suffered at the hands of Al Davis, and how the As are going to pack up soon and head to Fremont and that's the thing about being a Bay Area sports fan these days, it seems: in the end, you are your own worst fate.

I was originally only planning on going to the first game, but I found out a friend from college was in town and we decided to try and get tickets for the afternoon game as well. If you've got $40 to spare and you're trying to get tickets to an As game three days in advance, you'll have to be content with watching the game from here:

There were a couple guys sitting behind me who were animated early and flying fast and furious with the Manny-hate. But then their bullpen of re-animated Red Sox cast-offs started to crumble around them, when Jon Lester left the game with two outs in the seventh, one of the guys groused that 70% of the stadium was giving him a standing ovation. After Pedroia hit the fourth single to shallow left in a row, the same guy started loudly clapping. His friend said, "What are you doing, why are you cheering?" and he said, "Why not? Everybody else is."

where opening day begins in the middle of the night happens

2008-03-25T09:25:00.006-04:00

Your official and epic Papelblog Opening Day I Was Half-Asleep and There Was No One Here to Tell Me I'm Not That Funny Live Blog.

pre-game
Well, this should be fun. I've liveblogged baseball drunk, I've liveblogged baseball by scribbling down my thoughts on bar napkins, but I've never liveblogged while still 97% asleep. I asked Katie if she wanted to meet somewhere and watch the game, she said, "I don't get up at six am." Boy will she be jealous when she finds out that Josh Beckett realized he wasn't going to be the opening day starter, commandeered a plane to Japan and is about to leap out of the Wally costume and take the mound. Or maybe that's happening in the 3% of my brain that's still asleep.

top of the first
Lead-off single for Pedroia! I've got a good feeling about that kid. Youk grounds out to the third, Papi pops to short left, Manny flies out to deep right. Ho-hum.

bottom of the first
Okay, my biggest wish for Dice-K in 2008 is that he be less afraid of pitching to contact. So I'm taking that first-pitch ground out as a good sign. (Wait for it.) Okay, not that much contact. 1-0 As after the Mark Ellis homer. And here's the Dice-K give up a homer, get frustrated, give up a walk, hit a batter, throw a wild pitch special! Okay, I was feeling rusty, but now baseball is BACK. The bullshit is coming fast and furious now, we've got bases loaded and one out. Remy says it'll be hard to tell if anyone is warming in the bullpen because the bullpens are underground, and then we see "bullpen cam." The bullpens look like something out of the movie Hostel. I laugh grimly. At some point a run scores on an infield chopper, I also contemplate going back to bed, eventually Dice-K strikes out Jack Hannahan swinging while doing that maddeningly reasonable impression of a major league pitcher.

top of the second
Mike Lowell drops a base hit into center field. Retired members of NDRaPRSFftEMRSoML are pleased. Like I said, I'm still waking up, so the sight Brandon Moss' baby face is when it first comes to my attention that JD Drew faked "back stiffness" when he found out that he wasn't going to be allowed to hit the Japanese balls anymore. That's just great. Lowell out at second on a Moss grounder. Varitek promptly grounds into a double play. God dammit.

bottom of the second
Suzuki kicks things off by lobbing one into center field. I look down for a second, I look back up and top bar says bases are loaded. I briefly wonder if I mercifully slept sitting up through two walks, but then they take the bar away so I guess it's just technical difficulties. Hey, a strike out! This is followed by two walks. I don't even know. First Batshit Tavarez the Carnie King sighting of the season, he looks very at home in the subterranean Hostel bullpen. Eventually, Dice-K strikes out Jack Cust with the bases loaded to escape the inning with no runs scored, even though that inning lasted, like, 2,474 years.

top of the third
Jacoby strikes out, Julio Lugo lines one into center field. Maybe this is just opposite day? Pedroia flies out to deep right, Youk beats a close throw at first, and now it's two on, two out for Papi. C'mon! C'MON! And Papi ... lines into the shift. They show Dice-K jogging back out to the mound as we go to commercial and I feel vaguely nauseous.

bottom of the third
Two quick outs followed by a walk, so much for a one-two-three inning. I think that's walk number three zillion, but I might have lost count. Um. Then the inning ends due to some IMPECCABLE defense by Julio Lugo. So that was interesting.

top of the fourth
Apparently there is a chance of snow showers tonight in Boston, so that's one good reason to play games in Japan. Remy points out that the Sox are out-hitting the As 4-2 despite being down 2-0, so that's a good reason to take a break from the game to take a shower. And all I miss is a 1-2-3 inning, so.

bottom of the fourth
Now Kyle Snyder is throwing in the bullpen/dugeon. Do you think all the relief pitchers are down there underground or do they just go down there to warm up? If they're all down there the whole game, I think there is a 99.9% chance that Papelbon has organized a Texas Hold 'Em tournament. Since I'm trying to catch up, I watch this inning on fast-forward, thinking the 3-2 counts will be more tolerable this way, and, of course, Dice-K picks this inning to go 1-2-3 including a sweet struck out looking on three pitches. On to the fifth!

top of the fifth
Do you think Tito even pretended he was going to quit chewing this year? Sox go down in order AGAIN.

bottom of the fifth
Dice-K appears to have settled down nicely, striking out Barton and Cust, and getting a ground out to end the inning. I guess I should be happy, but mostly I'm just wishing I'd known to set my alarm for 7:47AM.

top of the sixth
Pedroia sails one past Travis Buck and cruises into second for a double. Finally, some luck! Youk walks on four pitches, Blanton looking like he ain't got shit. Crowd starting to make some noise, I'm even sitting up straight. Papi pops out deep behind third base (As enjoying a real home field advantage, the foul territory here rivals the Coliseum) but then on the first pitch, Manny scorches one down the third base line and notorious speedsters Pedroia and Youkilis score from second and first, respectively. YES! And Lowell strikes out but then Moss, Brandon Moss, Brandon Moss lines one into left field and Manny scores from second (tossing off the batting helmet in the process, MANNY STOP DOING THAT, did you learn nothing in the playoffs last year?) and the Red Sox take the lead! Great day in the morning. I take back everything I said. I love everyone. Pitching change, and it's good old friend Alan Embree, the dude who looks like he kills hookers at truck stops. Embree, how the hell are you? I'm jovial and punchy now, in case you can't tell. Embree and Tek are clearly eager to catch up, so Tek strikes out.

bottom of the sixth
And now ... we get Kyle Snyder. And before I can even explain to my roommate why I'm sitting on the couch in my bathrobe instead of getting dressed for work, it's 4-3 As. Dammit.

top of the seventh
Hit, double play, ground out, blah blah blah. Starting to wonder if things would go better if I left for work.

bottom of the seventh
SNYDER, AGAIN? Okay, bullpen cams again, and we can see in the As bullpen/dungeon that all the As relief pitchers are sitting on, uh, folding chairs? And watching the game on a television. I am now definitely sure the reason we haven't seen the Sox pitchers is that they are playing poker. Javier Lopez in for the Sox and if he pitches like Javier Lopez, I promise myself I'm going to turn off the television and leave for work. But then he gets two relatively quick outs and I'm still here.

top of the eighth
Keith Foulke. Weird. The Red Sox are still out-hitting the As, 8-4. God DAMMIT. Nothing about this inning changes that. Don-O points out what I have been telling myself for since the first inning -- the Sox got shelled by the freakin' Royals on Opening Day last year and everything turned out fine.

bottom of the eighth
Nice job by Corey, and a nice bid to be the new web-gemming center fielder of our hearts by Jacoby.

top of the ninth
Okay, I can guess how this is gonna go, I'm going to start packing my lunch, getting my gym clothes together, so that -- holy shit! Home run by Brandon Moss the baby-faced JD Drew replacement barbie! Tie game!

bottom of the ninth
Okajima! One player who is committed to not duplicating Opening Day 2007. Thank god.

top of the tenth
Lugo beats out a grounder and Pedroia squares up a nice bunt. Small ball power! Youk strikes out, Papi is intentionally walked. Okay, I remember what happened the last time somebody intentionally walked Papi to get to Manny, so let's just -- hey! HEY! THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH! Double off the wall, two runs score, 6-4 Red Sox! Now, c'mon, NESN, show me Papelbon in the bullpen dungeon. Show me. YES!

bottom of the tenth
PAPELBOOOOOOOOOOOOOON. He walks Barton but strikes out Cust. Just as I think it's safe to put on my coat, Emil Brown bangs a gapper and everything briefly seems fucked but then he gets caught in a run-down and now it's 6-5 but there are two outs. I guess that's ... good? Seriously, I'm starting to think I never woke up, because Papelbon gives up another two base hits. WHAT THE FUCK? I have to go to work! Okay, chopper to first, Papelbon covers, game over, I still want some explanation of how the last four hours just happened, but all games count the same once they're in the win column, and now I have to go sheepishly show up two hours late to work. Happy Opening Day everybody!

unfortunately, the matter was resolved before dustin pedroia was put in charge of enforcing the picket line.

2008-03-19T12:44:00.003-04:00

Color me unsurprised that Mike Lowell was one of the most vocal players during the (apparently short-lived) boycott. Obviously he's just honing his organizing skills in preparation for his attempt to liberate Cuba using only his eyebrows. Glad things appear to have been resolved, totally unsurprised that this team would vote to go on strike to support the coaches and training staff. At least five guys on that team seem like the type who would have tried to organize a cafeteria strike in the 4th grade to put a stop to mandatory meatloaf on Thursdays.

(Yes, Papelbon, I am looking at you.)

pouring out some high life for the dearly departed

2008-03-13T15:46:00.004-04:00

Mirabelli released

katie: no more chicken parm!
kelly: and yet, i am NOT excited about the kevin cash era.
katie: are you implying you were at some point excited about the doug mirabelli era?
kelly: well, i mean, if you had a drunk, layabout, wifebeater-wearing uncle who lived in the trailer down the street, would you really want to wake up one day and find out that he'd been replaced by … some other dude who also couldn't hit a baseball to save his life? so maybe excited is the wrong word, but.
katie: yeah, but he's a YOUNGER dude who can't hit a baseball to save his life. that means he can keep not hitting baseballs well into the future while the drunk, layabout, wifebeater-wearing uncle is only going to get older. I'd rather see my uncle retire to a slightly nicer trailer where he can indulge his vices without having to worry about keeping in "shape."
kelly: i'm still hoping that george kottaras will somehow make the team. there need to be more professional athletes named george. also, he is foxy-looking.
katie: foxy? he looks a little like zach braff. do we have any evidence he can catch for wake?
kelly: i thiiiiiiink he's caught the knuckleballers that the sox have in AAA. still, nothing wrong with a trial by fire! i'm sure someone named GEORGE can handle it.
katie: I think george is just going to have bide his time in AAA until wake realizes he's older than the hills and calls it quits. or, moves on to whatever stage of indentured servitude his lifetime contract specifies for his post-retirement years.
kelly: i would just like a backup catcher who can hit better than coco crisp with one arm tied behind his back? is that too much to ask? sigh.

I would suggest that it's too much to ask when your starting catcher has a somewhat inconsistent history of being able to hit a baseball himself, but I don't take tek's name in vain, so.

also,
katie: I'm posting our convo re: dougie
kelly: good work. make sure to link to that picture of foxy george kottaras.

seriously, he's not that foxy.

monday

2008-03-10T08:13:00.003-04:00

I like to watch Sports Center while I'm getting dressed for work. This morning, two of the first three stories were about Matt Walsh and Josh Beckett's back. I turned the television off. If Kevin Garnett has botulism, I don't want to know.

Notorious P.A.P.

2008-03-06T20:19:00.007-05:00

¿viva la revolución?

2008-03-04T20:38:00.008-05:00

A couple weeks ago, I noticed this, on the inbound platform at the Charles/MGH stop on the Red Line:

Close up:

Katie says she saw one on an overpass on Storrow Drive. I hope someone is pasting them up all over the city. I've started looking for it in the morning when my train passes through the Charles stop. Distracting myself with the One True Fistpump reduces my desire to maim my fellow commuters (especially the New York college kids wearing Yankees caps) by at least 27 percent.

veinte cuatro!

2008-03-03T12:05:00.007-05:00

MATH:

+

=

Call it the Manny Theorem. Where X = the average person and Y = anything associated with Manny Ramirez, (X) x (Y) = a level of inexplicable insanity 10,000 times greater than previously recorded.

coco says: I HAS A VALUE

2008-02-29T21:56:00.004-05:00

What I learned while watching tonight's spring training opener:

Clearly, the real reason the fans should be glad the Red Sox didn't make the Santana trade is that now we don't have to listen to Remdawg call him "Johan Santaner" for the next six years.

(Just kidding Remy, you know I love you. Also, was it just me, or did Daisuke seem less prone to nibbling and more willing to pitch to contact?)

"are you okay with jonathan papelbon?"

2008-02-28T11:27:00.002-05:00

The closest I want to come to discussing politics in this blog is to say that it makes me angry when I find the president charming and/or funny. However:

"I'd like welcome Dice-K to the White House South Lawn," Bush said of Matsuzaka. "His press corps is bigger than mine."
Bush then paused.
"And we both have trouble answering questions in English."

Read the Commander-in-Chief's other charming witticisms here and see pictures here. Both include references to Manny's absence from the festivities. Perhaps he couldn't attend for politicial reasons-- he was probably busy stumping for the Green party in the upcoming election. And by that, I think we mean that it's time for him to dye three or four of his dreds green.

Also, if you're bored at work or perhaps actively dreading an upcoming meeting of some sort like me, go watch this brief video of Pap trying to speak Spanish, failing, and cursing. Of course, what I really want to see is video of the tutoring sessions with Tavarez that the NECN news people joke about-- I think I saw the comercial for the Julian Tavarez School of Spanish and Insanity on cable the other night.

tragic chin accident

2008-02-27T12:10:00.001-05:00

This NECN video interview with Josh Beckett is kind of unintentionally hilarious. Apparently the way to get Josh Beckett to give a mellow, chatty interview is to distract him with something he actually enjoys doing, like long-tossing a baseball. It makes perfect sense. Also, about 30 seconds before the end of the clip, he explains the significance of his every-stoner-I-knew-in-high-school neck jewelry. And he says that the plane they take to Japan is going to have beds. So basically they're having a sleep over. $10 says that Papelbon tries to put one of Mike Timlin's hands in a bowl of warm water.

I mean, seriously:

Would you want to play truth or dare with this man?

it's so cold today in boston i would actually tune into NESN just to watch grass grow in ft. myers

2008-02-20T16:11:00.002-05:00

Last night, Katie and I went to see Will Leitch read from God Save the Fan. ** The reading was at the BU Barnes and Noble, and as I was attempting to claw my way out of the condemned construction site that is the Kenmore Square T stop, I realized that I don't think I've been to Kenmore Square since we saw Josh Beckett lose to the Twins in what turned out to be the most non-portentous final regular season appearance recent memory. (As a Dansko clog wearing lesbian working in social services, I am contractually obligated to reside in Somerville. But don't worry, Katie lives in Allston, and we bring you these mash notes from both sides of the river.) Just knowing that Fenway was across the bridge, and in a couple months the bridge will be littered with seedy guys who want to sell you $10 A-ROD SLAPS BALLS t-shirts brought warmth to my cold, dead heart.

With that in mind, here are 10 small and random things I miss about the Boston Red Sox:

• Taking a late lunch so I can watch a couple innings of a weekday afternoon game at a bar around the corner from my office.
• Mike Timlin jogging out from the bullpen with his warm-up jacket in his teeth.
• Randomly flipping past Sports Center and seeing that Mike Mussina got shelled today in Detroit, engaging in brief moment of sweet schadenfreude, brightening even the darkest of days.
• Something happens that makes you remember that Dustin Pedroia totally is 5'9" … in three-inch heels (see: when he has to make a running jump in order to effectively chest-bump.)
• Playing the Josh Beckett Press Conference Drinking Game.
• Ridiculous batting stances! Coco Crisp's tendency to jut his chin out over his shoulder and make a face like a street urchin who wants you to put up your dukes is a favorite, but should Coco find himself somewhere other than our starting line-up this season, I'll settle for the way that Kevin Youkilis holds the bat more like someone looking to defend his family against a burglar than someone looking to hit a line drive.
• The continuing unintentional hilarity that is generated by the Manny Ramirez dreadlock experiment.
• Trying to get from Point A to Point B while a game is in progress and knowing that I can monitor the score by peeking in the window of every bar, take-out joint and laundry mat in the city.
• And, of course, best beloved blogsake's ritual fist-bump with the bullpen cop.

Just 34 days until the regular season starts: what has you jonesing?

** My review in a nutshell of Deadspin: The Book, if you care: Leitch goes to great lengths to point out that the book is 99% original content. Unfortunately, this doesn't preclude it from being 99.9% unoriginal concepts, and the effect is sort of like reading someone write a book report about their blog. And half the essays in the "Owners" chapter have nothing to do with sports team owners. But he made great lengths toward redeeming himself by being very charming and funny in person, having a really healthy attitude about the particular brand of internet celebrity that Deadspin brings him and for at least doing a very enthusiastic impression of someone who doesn't hate Boston as much as the rest of the sports blogosphere.

when i wished someone at work "happy pitchers and catchers day" they thought i was being untoward

2008-02-14T18:20:00.003-05:00

Even though we've already enjoyed several days of Craig Hansen's medical history, Dice-K's mullet and Josh Beckett seeming disinterest in speaking with the press and tendency to take awkward photographs, technically today is the day that Red Sox pitchers and catchers must report to Ft. Myers. To celebrate, have eight predictions for the 2008 baseball season:

1. Curt Schilling reveals on his blog that the shoulder surgery drama was an effort to void his Sox contract in order to accept his rightful place as John McCain's running mate.

2. Inspired by the success of Dice-K's translator, Bud Selig forces the Sox to hire a translator for Josh Beckett in order to render his expletive-laden press conferences into printable material.

3. Roger Clemens begins lobbying for gay marriage so he can marry Andy Pettite and prevent him from testifying against Clemens in any future trials.

4. America, meet the first Native American Mormon star of The Bachelor: Jacoby Ellsbury!!

5. Jonathan Papelbon spends 15 days on the DL with ballet class related injury. He claims he was just trying to give the people what they want.

6. Jed Lowrie is caught storing miscellaneous personal items in Julio Lugo's locker.

7. Jack Epstein bats .287/.400/.405 in Single A Greenville.

8. Over the course of the season Julian Tavarez holds positions as starting pitcher, relief pitcher, official spokesman for Manny, Fenway Frank vendor, temporary replacement for Tina Cervasio, and John Farrell's personal barber. He tells the media, he just wants to help out.

*

Welcome back, everyone!

...

2008-02-04T10:45:00.000-05:00

We should have known that nothing good could come of a night that started with a commercial that starred Derek Jeter AND Peyton Manning. That should have been our first clue that the road had taken a very serious detour straight to hell.

Ten days until pitchers and catchers, I guess.

The Very Secret Off-Season Diaries of Theo Epstein

2008-01-30T12:11:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

7:12a: Woke up, consulted Magic Eight Ball, asked, "Should I make an offer that will actually get the Santana deal done today?" and for the sixty-second day in a row, Magic Eight Ball said, "Ask again later." Will try again tomorrow.

9:02a: Just deleted 6 e-mails from Schill, with subject lines reading "Thought You Might Appreciate Some Advice on How to Sign a Free Agent Pitcher, Part I - Part VI." Arranged to have his e-mail address bombarded with diet pill spam.

10:17a: Guitar Hero break.

12:24p: Phone rang during lunch, saw it was Manny, palms immediately started sweating. Still worried that, eventually, the number that hypnotist did on him is going to wear off and he'll realize we never sent him to the Mets, he still plays for the Red Sox and then he'll start demanding a trade every other Wednesday. Fortunately, Manny just wanted to say he LOVES Santana. But then he started singing that Matchbox 20 song. Maybe he was confused. Good old Manny.

12:47p: Take Giants and points in the Super Bowl. Rule #1: Root for the home team, but don't be a freakin' idiot.

2:56p: Text message from Beckett, read, "Just execute trade agreements. Just throw fucking strikes." Wondered for 1,909th time if Beckett would have beaten me up and taken my lunch money if we'd gone to junior high together.

3:01p: Bill Smith called, claimed is asking for "final offer" (heard that one before). Asked Magic Eight Ball if should make deal, Magic Eight Ball said, "Signs point to no." Shrugged, told Bill to enjoy Philip Humber's reconstructed elbow.

4:00p: Guitar Hero break. Continued attempts to master Metallica's "One" unsuccessful, may need to bring in conditioning coach.

6:00p: Received FedEx package, appeared to a Denny's paper placemat with "BURIED TREASURE MAP" written on the back in purple crayon and a rendering of a baseball with a bite mark near the spot of the X. Considered telling Pap he really needs to get a hobby or something, just as long as it's not more river dancing.

8:30p: Worked on off-season regimen with newborn son. Plan to have him walking by spring training, may need to have him start the season in the minors.

happy manning face elimination day!

2008-01-13T19:23:00.000-05:00

Bummed about that loss? Wish you were going to the AFC Championship Game next week? Look, I'm gonna be honest. Last year appears to have been the exception that proves the rule. You choke in big games. If I were you, I'd start figuring out some kind of hobby that'll keep you busy every February.

(Yeah, yeah, we've been dormant as Mike Timlin -- what, you think he doesn't hibernate with bears during the winter months? -- for the last little while, which is owed to the fact that Patriots undefeated season in progress is giving me an ulcer and this so-called hot stove season has been pretty lukewarm. Hopefully we've have a grab bag of catch-up thoughts soon, including our "Don't Let a Ball Hit You in the Face on Your Way Out" farewell to Matt Clement, the "You Can't Be Missed If You Never Go Away" welcome back to Doug Mirabelli" and hedged bets on who will claim to have killed more woodland creatures with their bare hands when they report to Spring Training, Josh Beckett or Jonathan Papelbon.)

taking a break from obsessively checking tomorrow's weather report

2007-12-15T14:27:00.000-05:00

On Wednesday, Theo Epstein and his wife had a baby. Congratulations to them! Still, I can't help but notice that little Jack Epstein's birth was, uh, very opportunely timed. Let's see -- just about a week after the end of Winter Meetings, but still as far as humanly possible from the start of Spring Training? Theo, did you schedule the birth of your first child around the baseball season? That's dedication.

I guess now I should talk about the Mitchell Report. The problem is that the Papelblog finds the steroid controversy to be really, really, really boring. The notion that steroids are threatening the sanctity of the game is boring, because it suggests that steroids are the only thing that keeps the game from being played the exact same way it was in 1907, which is both boring and untrue. Tommy John surgery has dramatically changed the career trajectory of many players, but nobody thinks we should put an asterisk next to the accomplishments of a pitcher who went under the knife at some point in his career. And anyway, the only thing that's more boring than things that threaten the sanctity of the game is the sanctity of the game itself. You really think the same players who threw spitballs and corked their bats and stole signals and bet on their teams wouldn't have taken HGH if they'd had the chance?

And we won't even get into the fact that all achievements prior to 1947 are tainted by segregation, but really what I am trying to say is that steroids are, you know, bad for your body and if the steroid controversy has proved anything, it's that most of the time they don't even work that well and when they do work, it's only for a little while and then you suffer a bunch of painful and ultimately career ending injuries and the league should dedicate itself to reducing future use of steroids through an independent testing program as well as prevention education (perhaps by hanging a poster of Jason Giambi in every clubhouse, with the caption "Do you really want to end up looking like this?"), but I can't really get that worked up about whether a particular period of baseball history was tainted by steroid use.

But the Mitchell Report? We LOVE the Mitchell Report. Anything that makes Bud Selig look like an incompetent geriatric and the last ten years of Roger Clemens' career look like a seedy gay pulp romance novel is a-okay with us.

and now for another football-related timeout

2007-12-09T20:47:00.000-05:00

GUA-RAN-TEE!
GUA-RAN-TEE!
GUA-RAN-TEE!
GUA-RAN-TEE!
GUA-RAN-TEE!

(Yeah, Phil Simms, I know you thought they were chanting "MVP!", but would the fans of a team coached by Bill Belichick ever be caught looking ahead to such frivolous matters as postseason awards? Please. Why don't you put your Christmas sweater vest in your pipe and smoke it.)

P.S. -- On a baseball-related note, we are very pleased that the zombie occasionally known as Mike Timlin, called up from the Styx River Dogs, will be pitching for the Red Sox in 2008.

P.P.S. -- I still think the best outcome would be Santana to the Mets. He could give Pedro daily blood transfusions of awesomeness!

P.P.P.S. -- On my way to work on Friday, I remembered all over again for the very first time that J.D. Drew hit a grand slam in the sixth game of the ALCS. I laughed for, like, five minutes. J.D. Drew! Who knew?

venezuela? don't they kill people with their pools there?

2007-11-29T16:44:00.000-05:00

So, uh, this Johan Santana thing sure is … interesting.

On the one hand: Johan Santana.
On the other hand: Do we really want the Sox to trade away a large portion of the young, cost-controlled nucleus that made the championship caliber 2007 team so magical?
On the third hand: Yeah, but do you want the Yankees to get him instead? And let's not forget, it's JOHAN SANTANA.
On the fourth hand: Okay, but if shipping half the farm up to Minnesota is detrimental for the Red Sox, isn't it fair to assume it'll be bad for the Yankees, too?
On the fifth hand: Maybe you didn't hear me the first two times: JOHAN FREAKIN' SANTANA!!!1!!!!1!

And those are just the arguments I have with myself about it in my own head. This morning I told one of my co-workers that I kind of hoped he ended up with the Mets, so the Sox don't give up anything to get him, but nobody we have to face in the regular season gets him either. Plus, can you imagine what Johan Santana would do in the National League? Katie and I hypothesized this afternoon that they would eventually have to rename the league in his honor, because he'd be like a warlord. After he beat teams, he'd acquire their most valuable assets for his army. That'd be sweet.

Later on in the conversation, Katie said she was worried that, even if the Sox were able to make a deal, they wouldn’t be able to meet his salary requirements. Then I reminded her that Matt Clement's salary just came off the books and she was like a kid who just remembered that Santa Claus exists. Matt Clement's expiring contract = the gift that keeps on giving. Then we wondered what Matt Clement is doing now, anyway. I read he might sign with the Pirates, but Katie thinks he's probably driving a route on the 66 bus. Or, uh, same difference?

picture a banner. on a boat. papelbon's holding the banner. in his underpants.

2007-11-19T16:34:00.000-05:00

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Kelly: I'm really surprised the Mike Lowell deal got done.
Katie: I'm not. I was completely confident it was going to get done the whole time.
Kelly: Really? Why didn't you tell me that?
Katie: Um. Because you wouldn't have believed me, and you always expect the worst, and you only believe information is true if it's completely negative in every way?
Kelly: Right.

Anyway, loyal members of the fellowship formerly known as NDRaPRSFftEMRSoML, congratulations to us all. I'm sure that all of our constant fretting, threatening to pay for the proposed fourth year with our own nickels, and frantic re-freshing of the Extra Bases blog made all the difference. But now it's very important that we all join a new club:

NHCaPRSFWPNtBiMH218i2010!

It stands for: Normally Hyperbolic, Critical and Pessimistic Red Sox Fans Who Promise Not to Boo if Mike Lowell Hits .218 in 2010.

correspondence

2007-11-13T16:29:00.000-05:00

Dear Josh Beckett,

Here is my Cy Young award. Perhaps with more run support, I too would have won 20 games. Perhaps if your bullpen had been terrible, you too would have pitched more innings. Who really knows?

But what I know for sure is that, either way, I still would have fallen apart in the post-season, because you are a terrifying force of nature. I suspect that this award will go nicely with the collection of Bud Light cans you like to shoot in your back yard between hunting seasons.

Thank you for not actually removing my manhood,
CC

*

CC,

Don't worry about it—I think we both know that individual achievements mean nothing, right? Winning that award would just mean more press conferences, stupid questions, and retarded metaphors.

Thanks for your little trophy, though—I've sent it to my catcher, Jason Varitek, since he's really the reason I did so well this season. It's shiny, so his kids'll probably like it.

Let me know if you ever want to get drunk, shoot something, and talk about executing pitches.

-Josh

probably too busy thinking up new ways to make rookies cry, anyway

2007-11-13T14:37:00.000-05:00

Somewhere on a ranch in Texas, an unprintable, f-bomb laden sound bite about not giving a fucking shit about any fucking individual fucking accomplishments is being acidically worded.

(While there is a strong argument to be made, of course, that CC Sabathia compiled superior statistics during the regular season and the baseball writers made the correct decision, make no mistake, I will taste the blood of the two writers who left Beckett off the ballot entirely TONIGHT.)

(And, on the subject that dare not speak its name, it's looking more and more likely that I will see Mike Lowell on a B train to Fenway Park someday and not have the slightest clue why I want to spontaneously weep.)

don't think i didn't see you running up the score, brett favre

2007-11-12T11:01:00.000-05:00

I want to settle down into a semi-comatose postseason nap, you know, a really good one, like the kind you take after you've feasted on a World Series Championship, but I can't start snoozing in front of the TV until I know whether or not the Sox are going to re-sign Mike Lowell. Can't we just rip the bandaid off already? At this point I'd rather watch a continuous loop of footage of Tek batting with the bases loaded than try to follow the non-new news cycle of the Mike Lowell negotiations. I mean, if the Red Sox don't re-sign Mike Lowell, I promise that I will move on and eventually be cool about it. Even though I'll probably have to have his time with Boston erased from my memory Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind style.

On the bright side, Dustin Pedroia will win Rookie of the Year in a couple hours or I will know the reason why. Just be careful, Dusty, and hoist your award with your not-currently-broken hand.

A couple football-related notes:

1. Bedridden, still unable to shake the cold I picked up during all those playoff late nights, and with the Patriots cruelly on a bye week, I decided to watch the Cowboys/Giants game. Picking which side to root for was an interesting prisoner's dilemma: could I bring myself to root for the franchise that taught me what hate means when I was a child or could I root for a Manning face? Ultimately, I decided to root for an asteroid.

Anyway, I flipped on the television around 4 o'clock and that's when I heard it. The nonsense analogies. The undeserved ball-washing. The misinformation. The voice that makes my ears hemorrhage. JOE BUCK. I was like a Vietnam vet having a PTSD flashback. It wasn't pretty. I think just hearing Joe Buck's voice actually set my recovery back two or three days, which confirms what I already suspected: Joe Buck gave me this cold.

2. Later, Katie and I watched various parts of the Colts/Chargers game together over the phone. Late in the fourth quarter:

Katie: What sucks is that when the Colts come back to win this game, everyone's going to forget that Peyton was awful and threw five interceptions.
Kelly: Not me. I won't forget. We're going to celebrate this day every year as Peyton Manning Five Interception Day. Whatever day of November this is will forever be known as --
Katie: It's November 11th. It's Veteran's Day.
Kelly: Perfect. It's even already a holiday.

But, of course, that's not how it ended, was it? HAPPY PEYTON MANNING SIX INTERCEPTION DAY (OBSERVED) EVERYBODY!

hopefully this means there will be off-season jazzercise

2007-11-06T15:48:00.000-05:00

Curt Schilling is a card-carrying member of NDRaPRSFftEMRSoML.

Speaking of which, Katie and I have to admit (one of us more reluctantly than the other, she'd probably want me to add) that we've paid our own membership dues to NCWaPRSFWaSHwtRSoCS (Normally Cynical, Weary and Pragmatic Red Sox Fans Who are Surprisingly Happy with the Re-Signing of Curt Schilling). Let the record show that at least 13% of Curt Schilling's hair represents taking a hometown deal.

i know we're primarily a baseball blog, but this should save me from getting arrested for shouting from the rooftops

2007-11-04T20:41:00.001-05:00

The Tom Brady/Randy Moss relationship is more satisfying than all my previous romantic relationships combined.

(I mean. At this point I love Randy Moss more than my last three ex-girlfriends, so.)

then why was it all so good?

2007-11-02T15:16:00.000-04:00

1. I mentioned before that I was now openly rooting for C.C. Sabathia to win the Cy Young aware so that he would sheepishly mail it to Josh Beckett along with his manhood, but now that Josh Beckett is a 2007 World Series Champion, I am openly and actively rooting for C.C. Sabathia to win the Cy Young award, if only because some poor reporter would be sent to locate Beckett on his ranch in Texas and ask him whether or not he thinks he got shafted, and Beckett would interrupt himself from Beckett Boot Camp [TM] (picture Jon Lester and Clay Buccholtz in the background of the interview, being made to run laps with Dustin Pedroia and Manny Ramirez strapped to their backs), and say, "I don't get paid to win those fucking popularity contests," in a tone of voice that would peel paint. And then he'd thoughtfully rub the finger that's reserved for his second World Series ring (hopefully it's the middle one) while the reporter pissed himself.

2. In my mind, there will always be nine players from the 2004 roster who went on to appear in the 2007 World Series: Jason Varitek, Doug Mirabelli, Mike Timlin, Curt Schilling, Tim Wakefield, Manny Ramirez, David Ortiz, Kevin Youkilis and House, MD. (YOU'RE RISKING A PATIENT'S LIFE!)

3. The ulcer I had named after the Red Sox team batting average with RISP is being filled nicely with anxiousness about Sunday's Pats/Colts game. It doesn't help that I hate Tony Dungy more than anyone in sports, even narrowly more than Lance Armstrong (Yeah, I hate Tony Dungy and Lance Armstrong, and I actively boycott the Red Cross. I'm a lot of fun at cocktail parties).

4. A couple nights ago, I found seven innings worth of an aborted liveblog of a 7-4 loss to Seattle on August 3. Reading over three pages of incoherent ranting about bad base running, runners stranded in scoring position, Manny grounding into too many double plays, runners stranded in scoring position, Lester getting into too many bases loaded/nobody out jams, runners stranded in scoring position, the 428th reappearance of Bad Zombie Mike Timlin, runners stranded in scoring position oh my god, etcetera, all I can do is laugh. On the day that game was played, they had the best record in baseball and a seven-game lead over the Yankees. And three months later, they won the World Series. But, that's what makes it all so magical and misery-making: nobody knows how it's going to end. And now this season has ended in the best way possible and I almost wish I could watch Manny ground into another double play or something right now.

5. After the QVC appearance, I can't wait to see where Papelbon will be coaxed into doing the Irish jig next. The White House? Cooperstown, circa 2025?

confetti was stuck in my hair all day

2007-10-31T21:06:00.000-04:00

So, just so we're all clear, I know that there was a series of important games and we won something and all that. And some people are under the impression that the parade/rolling rally/whatever is about that. But, for me? That parade will always be known as the Parade to Celebrate the Day That Matt Clement Declared Free Agency. The only thing that was missing was a boat where someone was throwing baseballs at Clement.

And now, the photos:

Of all my (MANY MANY MANY-- I am unashamed to admit that I totally chased Beckett's boat from Mass Ave down to the library before stopping to just watch the rest of the boats. it's a rare day that you can cover your stalker instincts with "celebration") photos of my boyfriend, Josh Beckett, this is the one where he looks the least bored. I'm not saying he's bored with winning or anything, he just thinks we're all stupid and he'd really like to get home and start planning all the things he's going to make John Lester kill during Beckett's Boot Camp.

Trophy. Coaches. Awesome.

I'm sad that the other pic I have of DiceK is so fuzzy because this is just before he smiled with the most adorable and giant smile every. I know he's shaky, but he's so CUTE!

Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that this guy has two World Series rings here? Bring on the chicken parm.

Practically like a live person!

Did anyone see Theo's postgame interviews where he went on and on about "trusting the process?" If so, do any of you think he's maybe been reading The Secret? It's just a little cultish, you know. Also, both kelly and I, at different locations along the route (we work very far apart! so sad) saw the same scenario unfold: Theo's boat rolls along, Theo smiles, waves, creatively visualizes his own awesomeness, etc. Then, the parade pauses. And some delightful member of NDRaPRSFftEMRSoML starts a "Resign Lo-well!" chant. Theo slowly realizes the boat isn't going to move and the chant's not going to stop, no matter how creatively he visualizes and looks more and more uncomfortable until finally something in the lower part of his boat necessitates his immediate attention. BRILLIANT.

Speaking of the MVP. And Lugo. I have nothing bad to say about Lugo right now. Huh.

Manny is going to be on The Tonight Show tomorrow. Manny. On a talk show. Oh, someone up there really really loves us. And the Backstreet Boys are going to be on too! I hear they're looking for a fifth member and they're a group that "coined" the word "tragical." So.

Pride of Hyde Park. Oh MDC, why you so fly?

Warrior man. Amazing.

I'm not far away, he's just that tiny.

I have never found Youk as close to good looking as in this photo. Weird.

This is kind of far away, but I love Tito's smile here. He didn't rock back and forth even once during the parade!

This isn't the best pic I got of Timlin, but come on, he's DANCING. With his kids. I know my favorite version of Timlin is the one that fucks your wife just 'cause he can, but seriously, rocking out with kids Timlin might be almost as good.

Sadly, I didn't actually get any good pics of the blog-sake (the bit of his face in the one above is the best), because I was on the wrong side of the flatbed, but I did see him a little. He seemed out of his mind. Which is how I like it.

even the reanimated corpse of john henry is smiling tonight

2007-10-29T01:59:00.000-04:00

There's lots to say, about WORLD SERIES MVP MIKEY LOWELL, and the Jon Lester storybook ending, and the many years of my life I lost in the eighth inning, and the B train I took home, which was full of drunk college kids who alternated between chanting "Let's go Red Sox!" and "Ex-press to Ken-more!" so loudly that the train shook, but for now: Jonathan Papelbon strikes out Seth Smith to end the game, pick up the save and win the World Series. Could you have scripted it any better if you'd tried?

any day now, mike piazza is going to have a press conference to tell us he's never worn one of those rockies purple vest uniforms

2007-10-28T07:18:00.001-04:00

Dice-K's two-out, two RBI scoring double in the third reminded me of the JD Drew grand slam in the first inning of Game 6 during the ALCS -- both exemplified everything that's weird and wonderful about sports in general and baseball in specific. You watch a team for 162 games and get to the point where you think you know what's going to happen before it happens. But you don't. You never, ever know what's going to happen.

Other assortables:

* We watched the first five innings of this one at Common Ground in Allston, and I never thought I would have a happier moment at that bar than when I saw the Tony Romo fumbled snap there last winter, but the third inning of last night's game actually surpassed it.

* In the first inning, Tim McCarver said that the reason Tito had to keep Papi in the lineup was this exact situation, "two out and nobody on" and Joe Buck didn't even bother to correct him.

* The bullpen band looked lost without their usual assortment of percussive surfaces.

* It's hilarious that Aaron Cook has been out with an oblique injury since August, given that certain Manny detractors flipped their shit when he was slow to come back from an oblique injury in September. Dude, at least Manny was ready for the division series.

* Julio Lugo made two potentially game-saving defensive plays. Um.

* Thanks to those who pointed out that NDRaPRSFftEMRSoML may be gaining steam with the front office. Mikey just had to keep piling it on, though, with two great "Eff You" moments last night, the "eff you for walking Manny to get to me" hit straight up the middle in the third and the "eff you for thinking that I run so slowly that glaciers melt while I'm on the basepaths, you're not necessarily wrong, but my eyebrows have more hits than three of your guys, so I think I'll steal third anyway" stolen base in the top of the ninth.

* Jacoby Ellsbury and Dustin Pedroia = the Pedbury show? The Ellsroia show? Hmm, needs work ....

all hail the all-singing, all-dancing black pearl bullpen band

2007-10-26T07:50:00.000-04:00

No joke, right around the time Papelbon picked of Matt Holliday to end the eighth, I started to think that maybe he could walk on water. Seriously, who but Papelbon would notch his first major league pick-off move in Game 2 of the World Series? WHO DOES THAT? I kept asking Katie why Fox couldn't give us a shot of his reaction when they showed the replay of the pick-off over and over, and she said, "He probably did something obscene that they can't show on television."

The Papajima Show Is:
A) A children's puppet show put on by Emerson students on acid
B) A pajama party where everyone drinks Zima
C) 3 and 2/3 innings, no runs, one hit, six strikeouts

(Also, how charmingly appropriate is it that, with his appearance in Game 2, Okajima, not Daisuke Matsuzaka, will go into the books as the first Japanese pitcher to ever appear in the World Series?)

So, Red Sox said, "Fine, you want us to beat you National League style? Bring it." For their next trick, they will kick ass with one hand tied behind their backs. Or, uh, without a DH. Same difference, right? Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think this team just won five games in a row for the first time in 2007. Hyperbole does not exist to describe how timely this winning streak appears to be.

(And also, with regard to last night: Mike Lowell would like to remind you there is no such thing as supporters and non-supporters of NDRaPRSFftEMRSoML, just supporters and future supporters. Check it.)

buck and mccarver's reign of terror continues

2007-10-24T20:16:00.000-04:00

kelly: remember when we watched opening day and I said I didn't know about this season?
katie: um. remember when we watched a random game three weeks ago and you said you didn't know about this season?
kelly: oh. yeah.

Another Game 1, more Highlife, more blogging. Here we go.

1. TC says: There's only one October, haven't you heard?
Heh. Oh, TC.

2. Please to note, I hate Jeanne Zelasky (or however you spell it), but for real, Eric Byrnes clearly has NO self-respect. She got off like 5 insults about him. And the "I don't want to get booed out of another city" comment? Seriously, Byrnes, grow a pair and maybe your team wouldn't get swept in the NLCS.

3. kelly doesn't want you to know this, but she and Buck and McCarver actually have all the same opinions. It's terrifying to witness this, but completely true.

4. "Hi, Colorado. Just in case you had forgotten over the last 8 days, that's what live pitching looks like. And just in case you weren't sure, I, Josh Beckett, would like to let you know that I am going to kick your ass."

4a. Text rec'd from katie's brother: "My name is Josh Beckett. You killed my father. Prepared to die." Indeed.

5. "Hi, hi, hi Colorado! I'm Dustin-- no, down here! I'm Dustin Pedroia and I too am going to kick your ass."

6. Why does the font they're using look like they're a trophy company from Worcester? Is this NESN?

7. kelly: Where was the infield on that play?
katie: Oh, they're still off. They wanted a 9th day. You know, they had all those inter-squad games; they're very tired.

8. kelly: It's raining harder now. That makes me nervous.
katie: Is there anything that doesn't make you nervous?
kelly: That homerun didn't make me nervous. ...Actually, it did. Because now the streak is on the line.
katie: So the answer is no?
kelly: Yeah.

9. I'm sorry, Joe Buck, but it wasn't a "blister situation," it was an avulsion. But, I suppose you don't remember these kinds of things if they're not sponsored by MasterCard.

10. "Hi Colorado, I'm Kevin Youkilis and I am VERY speedy, okay? You make sure and let Dustin Pedroia know just how speedy I am."

11. Fox airs Beckett songvid to "This Is Why I'm Hot" without realizing they are airing footage directly from katie's brain.

12. Buck: Julio Lugo shows Yorvit To-re-yaba [or whatever] [ed note: katie doesn't like the national league, she doesn't know their names, and she doesn't care to learn. it's like how you shouldn't name that "pet" turkey your family buys three weeks before Thanksgiving] what he can do.
kelly: He does not. As much as it pains me to admit it, Julio Lugo can't do anything that the Rockies' shortstop can do. Let's watch a highlight video of Julio Lugo this season--
katie: Let's not.
kelly: Julio Lugo blows Schilling's perfect game! Julio Lugo sucks! Julio Lugo fails to turn more double plays than I can count! Julio Lugo fails to catch a routine pop-up in Game 7 of the ALCS! Etcet, etcet, etcet.

13. It's probably wrong to say this, but. We're a little bored. We're pretty sure Matt Cassell is going to come in to pitch the 6th.

14. Okay, that was a pretty clever promo tag by Fox-- the "Audition for the Next Great American Band" under the Sox Bullpen Percussion Orchestra.

15. Balk + walked in run = BEST EVER!

16. Are the two Manning fans in that Dick's ad having a rivalry about which one of them is more of a jack-ass?

17. Coco Crisp explains the Taco Bell promo to Royce Clayton = BEST SOUNDS OF THE GAME EVER. Can we just listen to them talk for the rest of the game? I'm sure Joe and Tim would appreciate the time off.

18. I'm pretty sure that showing the Buckner ball is not a GIFT of any kind. I mean, I know we all forgave Buckner against his will in 2004, but still. STILL. Though, I suppose that's the kind of gift you get from a crappy Vince Vaughn holiday movie.

19. Is there ANYTHING that Joe Buck won't sell? Seriously, it makes me feel dirty.

20. Apparently the Joe and Tim show has never seen a blown bullpen. I get that they think it's better to rest him, but Beckett's pitch count is low and, in case you don't recall, Schill and DiceK generally pitch a combined 8 innings, so perhaps Tito's decision to keep Beckett in and save the bullpen isn't as questionable as all that? Perhaps?

21. Text message from cspan: "How is it only the top of the 7th? Completely unrelated, what's the definition of 'mercy kill'? Again, UNRELATED question."

22. I know McCarver's in love with Jeets and all, but "BREATHTAKING FRAGRANCE?!" For real, Tim? That's just gross.

23. Oh, wait, I get it now. It's the part of the game where Tim starts babbling incoherently. Good to know. I would feel bad for Joe Buck for having to sit there and listen if he weren't, you know, Joe Buck, mistress of Satan.

24. Oh Gagne. It's good to know we have someone to count on as long as we're up by 10+ runs. Merci!

25. And in conclusion, Josh Beckett, metaphor for awesome.

... still waiting to find out that jd drew's grand slam in game six was actually a break with reality that landed me in a mental institution

2007-10-23T22:25:00.000-04:00

My plans for tonight included doing a ton of laundry, cleaning my kitchen and going to bed early, because something tells me I will not have very much time for sleeping and other pointless domestic frivolity in the next couple days. And, despite how the Standells might tell it, this frustrated woman has to be in by 9 o'clock. As the longest off-day since, oh, let's say, last Thursday winds to a close, seven things I'm thinking about:

1. Josh Beckett will start Game 1 of the World Series and enjoy home field advantage because the AL won the All Star Game, a game in which Josh Beckett was the winning pitcher of record. This is a funny coincidence but should not come as a surprise: we all know that Josh Beckett is willing to do everything himself if he has to.

2. Speaking of Beckett, I've seen this mentioned a few places, but even if you already know about it, it bears further discussion. In fact, while killing time during the next 22 hours, I'd like each of you to write a 1000 word essay about the possibilities for this to be the most magnificent thing that has ever happened:

Beckett is a horse of a starting pitcher. His work ethic is so strong that the Red Sox are sending their best two young starting pitchers, Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz, to Beckett's home in Texas this winter specifically to absorb and learn from his work habits and determination.

What I am imagining right now is a combination of a college frat initiation gone terribly, terribly wrong, military boot camp and Bad News Bears, and it's WONDERFUL. If everything goes according to the plan, the 2008 starting rotation could feature Josh Beckett and two mini-Becketts. It's basically the next best thing to having a rotation of Josh Beckett clones, and don't tell me that Theo hasn't considered that. Paying shitloads of money to get pitchers cloned is totally going to be the new paying shitloads of money to import them from Japan.

3. I'm watching the first game in the Red Sox/Rockies game from June on NESN and, jeez, I know it's been a couple months, but it feels like a bajillion years ago. It's Dustin Pedroia's first game batting lead-off! Everyone's very concerned that his hot streak could be a fluke! Maybe he can't handle the pressure! And, Christ, Mike Lowell is still batting sixth.

4. Speaking of God's Chosen Mighty Mite, you're right, Sunday's home run does extend his don't-call-it-clutch Pedroia homers = Sox win streak to 9-0 on the season.

5. Brief intermission, let's all just marvel at this photograph for another minute:

I ... just don't even know what goes on in that boy's head sometimes.

6. I love Boston 365 days a year, but I never love Boston more than when the entire city is completely saturated in its devotion to the Red Sox. On my way to work on Monday -- sitting on the subway, in line for coffee, waiting for the elevator -- literally every single conversation I overheard was about Sunday night's game. Last night, Katie and I went to see The Hold Steady and the lead singer, when telling a story about a member their crew who'd never been to Boston before, said, "I told him there's one big difference between Boston and New York. In Boston, they play baseball deep into October."

7. Katie and I were trying to decide where to watch the game tomorrow night, and we decided the wisest choice would be re-create our ALDS Game 1 experience to the letter. We even figured out exactly what we ordered on our pizza, and who sat on which side of Katie's couch. Now, is it 8:35 on Wednesday yet?

oh, the movie never ends, it goes on and on and on and on

2007-10-22T02:21:00.001-04:00

You know, you follow your team -- I want to say that you follow them starting in April, but let's not kid, most of us started following the 2007 Red Sox right around Valentine's Day -- you follow them all fucking year and in those week night games against the Orioles in May, you don't dare say out loud, "Well, I really hope the reason our closer isn't available tonight is so he'll be fresh enough to get six outs in Game 7 of the ALCS," but you hope, you know?

You follow your team, and you root for them, and you sit in bars at all hours of the day and night and drink flat beer for them, you sneak out of work early for them, and you try not to jinx them. And sometimes, with a little bit of luck and a whole lot of Dustin Pedroia, you get this:

nancy-blog?

2007-10-20T23:32:00.000-04:00

See, this is why we've been telling you all season that Nancy "Make that Sixty-Nine RBIs" Drew is our favorite player.

Also, what have you heard about this Gagne kid?

get back then, watch how you're acting, 'cause i'm the shit

2007-10-19T00:40:00.000-04:00

1. JOSH BECKETT.
2. During the NESN post-game, the Eck called him "Pedro-esque." I mean. What more is there to say?
3. We could talk about the three runs he's allowed in 23 innings of post-season play. We could talk about how he shut down the Indians tonight for eight innings, walking just one batter and striking out eleven. We could talk about the fact that he got so bored with the slop they were giving him that he tried to start a brawl with Kenny Lofton to make things interesting. What it comes down to is that Josh Beckett is nails and he's the reason you're gonna be planning your life around the Red Sox for at least one more Saturday night.
4. At this point, I'm opening rooting for C.C. Sabathia to win the Cy Young, so he can sheepishly mail it to Beckett, along with his manhood.
5. Two-chug performance from Beckett during the post-game press conference, highlighted by him retorting "I don't get paid to make any of those fucking decisions" when asked about the national anthem non-incident incident.
6. He also announced himself as the Game 6 starter.
7. I'm kidding.
8. Maybe.

we weren't kidding when we wanted to know if he could pitch all the games

2007-10-18T00:07:00.000-04:00

also, i'm officially fearful of the rockies

2007-10-16T08:00:00.000-04:00

Daisuke Matsuzaka in 2008 is the new Josh Beckett in 2007.
Daisuke Matsuzaka in 2008 is the new Josh Beckett in 2007.
Daisuke Matsuzaka in 2008 is the new Josh Beckett in 2007.
Daisuke Matsuzaka in 2008 is the new Josh Beckett in 2007.
Daisuke Matsuzaka in 2008 is the new Josh Beckett in 2007.

I keep telling myself this, and it doesn't make me feel any better. Maybe because in October of 2006, Josh was already at home on his Texas ranch, shooting things and scheming to himself about how he'd show us, he was going to win the fucking AL Cy Young next year and Daisuke was still a twinkle in John Henry's wallet, whereas in October of 2007, the Red Sox are IN THE MIDDLE OF A LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES, NOT THAT CERTAIN PEOPLE APPEAR TO HAVE NOTICED.

if i were gilbert arenas, i'd cheat at halo too

2007-10-14T11:07:00.000-04:00

Here's the thing. I'm not saying that at 10 of 2 last morning I wasn't seriously entertaining the idea of going as a murdered Eric Gagne for Halloween. And I'm not saying I didn't shout "this is a fucking tragedy!!!" multiple times last night. We're not suggesting that kelly wasn't at an airport bar in California drinking herself towards alcohol poisoning. It was awful. That's not supposed to happen to our bullpen. I know. We all know.

But, it's the playoffs. It's supposed to be hard. You can't sweep them all. So, do what a playoff team does-- shake it off, move on. That's what Josh Beckett would do. (Well, he might drink some Bud light and bang a co-ed first, but, you know. Eventually.)

Also, football! That always helps cheer me up.

[/being brave and positive in the face of much pain]

did anyone else notice that the FOX broadcast referred to pedroia as "scrappy" LESS THAN SIXTY SECONDS into the proceedings?

2007-10-13T12:40:00.001-04:00

It has come to my attention that every single thing I want to write about today is a potential jinx.

I was going to compare CC Sabathia to Dirk Nowitzki, who recently won a certain NBA award after a certain somewhat embarrassing postseason performance, but … JINX!

I was going to discuss the fact that Josh Beckett threw a leisurely eighty pitches last night, coming out after six innings possibly because he was just flat-out bored with what the Cleveland hitters were showing him, which means that he could possibly … JINX!!

I was going to share my feelings about the Diamondbacks/Rockies series, and how I have a theoretical preference and a pragmatic preference, the team I would theoretically like to see win and the team I would prefer to … JINX!!!

Um. Okay. So. The Boston Red Sox are a very good team.

the josh beckett press conference drinking game

2007-10-11T22:28:00.000-04:00

During the postseason, Major League Baseball requires starting pitchers to give pre-game press conferences as well as post-game ones. Which means that w are the lucky recipients of the unintentional comedy of watching Josh Beckett be forced to disdainfully interact with the media twice in two days. With that in mind, an idea whose time has come:

The Josh Beckett Press Conference Drinking Game
+ Drink once if Beckett is in possession of sunglasses and it's after sunset
+ Drink once for every piece of neck jewelry
+ Drink once for every one-word answer
+ Drink twice for every "yes" or "no" answer to a question that was not technically a yes-or-no question
+ Drink once every time Beckett credits his success to Tek
+ Drink once every time he visibly rolls his eyes
+ Chug every time swears on live television
+ Chug every time he says the phrase "execute pitches"
+ Chug every time he calls out Papelbon for being a dumb redneck

Tune in and play along tomorrow night! Beckett's press conferences are usually pretty, uh, brisk, so there's even a chance that you'll get through this without alcohol poisoning.

it's october and there is no baseball on televsion day #3, transmisisons from the ledge

2007-10-10T17:01:00.000-04:00

So I was going to make a "Ten Things I Learned During the ALDS" post, sort of a catch-all catch-up, sorry I'm on vacation and Katie actually has to work for a living and can't keyboardmash insane ramblings about Jonathan Papelbon's six different species of game faces (I believe we saw #4 during the 8th inning of Game 2, the THIS JUST IN: THAT DID NOT SUCK primal scream face), and I got about six points deep:

1. It is possible for Terry Francona to fill out a lineup card that does not include Alex Cora OR Eric Hinske. It turns out that our opening day lineup (albeit in a slight different order) is actually a damn good team, and they have a pretty damn smart manager.

2. Josh Beckett doesn't sleep, he waits. And he has apparently been waiting since October 25, 2003 and not missed a single beat.

3. We already knew this one, too, but it's nice to have it confirmed: Manny Ramirez is a bad man.

4. Eric Wedge is a ballsy motherfucker. As much as I would have preferred to have tired out Sabathia in Game 4 and Carmona in a theoretical Game 5, I really respect Eric Wedge for saying, "Fuck all y'all, I'm starting Paul Byrd." I still have no idea how Byrd ended up with the W in Game 4, but as a fan of the game, I tip my cap to Eric Wedge.

5. That said, if Jonathan Papelbon battled to the death with Joe Borowski 100 times, he would win 99 times, and the 100th time he would beat himself.

6. Apparently Suyzn Waldman never learned that there's no crying in baseball.

But then I took a break to look at the pictures from today's work-out at Fenway, and I boston.com posts eleventy billion pictures of the Red Sox players every year (shut up, you know you look at them all, too), but let's discuss:

JD Drew: I CAN HAS FACIAL EXPRESSION? (Look, it's not even a fluke!)

You might have heard that Josh Beckett is from Texas. I can only conclude from this photograph that he has had enough of this Tony Romo crap and has decided to take matters into his own hands.

(Brief aside: as someone who roots for the Patriots but was born and raised a 49ers fan, I don't think I can adequately express how much I want the Pats to destroy the Cowboys on Sunday.)

Dice-K explores the possibility that he would pitch more effectively if he adopted a gansta-like swagger:

Just Paps being Paps:

Finally: I'm really enjoying the national coverage that the Red Sox get when they aren't about to play the Yankees. Last night on Baseball Tonight, there was a five-minute discussion about Manny Delcarmen being the key to the Sox bullpen. You know that Manny Delcarmen being a strong sixth and seventh innings guy is the key to the bullpen, and I know that, but I had no idea ESPN knew that, because they've always been too busy shoving the rivalry down our throats. It's a brave new world!

it is high, it is deep into the night!

2007-10-06T10:37:00.000-04:00

Re: this plan, well, that's cool, now I know what it must feel like to be terrified of flying. You grip the arm rest with white knuckles, you feel nauseous, and when the plane finally lands, you feel a rushing sense of euphoric relief.

My plane was already beginning its descent in the bottom of the ninth, and there was some concern that the flight would land and the satellite feed would cut out before the outcome of the game was known. Fortunately, Manny had other ideas and set everybody home happy. Let the record show that I was not the only person on that flight to throw up Manny-esque victory arms in my seat, and there was a very hilarious spontaneous round of applause.

Scattered, jet-lagged thoughts:

1. The regular season 2007 Red Sox would have figured out a way to lose this game. Hell, they would have figured out a way to lose this game in the 5th, 8th, 9th AND 10th innings. But none of that matters now.
2. If, every time the Red Sox are in danger of losing a close game, I could have the ability to flip over during the commercials to watch the 10,272nd replay of Joba Chamberlain throwing a wild pitch while covered in gnats, that would be just great.
3. Cinco Ocho has a post season victory.
4. Cinco Ocho may start moonlighting as a first base coach.
5. Manny wore a suit and tie to his post-game interview, and it looked just as baggy and ridiculous as his uniform.
6. Manny had a post-game interview.
7. Do you think Schill and Beckett watched the game together at the hotel? Why couldn't NESN have had a camera following them the whole way? I can only imagine this was comedy gold. Once Beckett realized that Game 3 could be the clinching game, he probably started trying to trick Schill into playing Rock, Paper, Scissors for the spot so he could start the game himself on three days rest.

YOU GUYS, I LOVE THIS TEAM. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DO.

the urge to ditch my family and hitch hike to anaheim will be strong

2007-10-05T14:45:00.000-04:00

I know it's for the good of the bullpen, but this one day on, one day off stuff is killing me.

Here is a cautionary tale:

I had plans this summer to go see my parents in California for a week in mid-August. Then something came up at work and I had abruptly reschedule my visit, and when my mother suggested the first weekend in October, I agreed without thinking, because I was overwhelmed by how many homicides, and because I'm an idiot. Only later did I realize that I'd committed to spending 10 days away from home smack in the middle of baseball's postseason. The first thing I thought was, "This sucks, I don't want to be in California watching the play-offs by myself, I want to be in Boston." The next thing I thought was, "You cannot alter your plans. If you do that, you will jinx everything, and the Sox will blow the lead and not even make the playoffs." At the time it seemed like a wise decision, which is probably proof positive that I am a fucking maniac. What's worse is that now the postseason is here, the Sox are in, and when Game 2 starts tonight at 8:30 EST, I am going to be on a plane to Oakland.

Thank God I'm flying Jet Blue, because they have a deal with XM. Tonight's game will be a bizarre marriage of tradition and technology: I'll be flying cross-country at 30,000 feet and … listening to the Sox game on the radio. Given my tendency to fill my clear plastic zip lock bag with nip-sized bottles of booze and my propensity for histrionics when it comes to the Red Sox, I would say that there is a 47% chance I'll be leaving that plane in handcuffs, but hopefully not before the final out.

Because I don't want to tempt the gods of schadenfreude, I will say this: Yankees game? What Yankees game? Oh, you mean the Yankees played last night? That's cool. I didn't watch any of it, or check the final score as soon as I got home last night or anything. I bet they won, though. They had Wang pitching, and he's their ace, and when you've got your ace on the mound, you -- yeah, I’m sorry, I can't keep a straight face any longer.

can josh beckett just pitch all the games? i hear he likes pitching on short rest...

2007-10-03T18:40:00.000-04:00

ALDS Game 1? Check. My boyfriend, the newly-minted Sox ace? Check. 18-pack of High Life for 10 bucks? Check. Live blog? Obvs.

Item 1: Who the hell are these people calling the game? Jerry and DonO are crazy and Buck and McCarver are the devil's handmaidens, but at least we know what's coming. This bug-eyed freak and his boring friend are unknown quantities.

Item 2: Beckett may have trimmed the chin pubes. This would seem to be a good thing, but is it possible that without the disgusting facial hair you'd just notice that he has no chin? Hmmmm...

Item 3: kelly is so anxious about this game that we anticipate a heart attack before it's over. In lieu of cards or flowers, please send donations to the NDRaPRSFftEMRSoML. Oh, speaking of god's chosen third baseman, kelly reports that at the rally while the reanimated corpse of John Henry was blathering on about whatever, the crowd started chanting "Sign Lowell!" A.mAz.ING

Item 4: It's possible that Anderson's conjuctivitis is kelly's karmic reward for suffering from chronic corneal ulcers for the last three years. If she says so...

[Highlife update = katie .25, kelly 1
Game update = 1 H, 1 SO, 1 stolen base, 1 year off kelly's life]

Item 5: Youk says, "Slump? What motherfucking slump?"

Item 6: The phrase "against the shift" is 15% as satisfying as "walked in a run" the most satisfying thing in all of baseball. (The only thing more satisfying in all of sports, btw, is "safety!" in football because it's totally the MOST HUMILIATING way to score EVER!)

Item 7: "Gotta polish the helmets" -- seriously? These people are terrifying. Are they Mormon? (No offense, Jacoby.)

[Highlife update = katie .5, kelly 1.9
Game update = 1 run, 1 time Lowell looked like he was going to kill a bitch]

[Highlife update = katie .75, kelly 2
Game update = awesome 4-out half inning! ugh]

Item 8: Note to Dane Cook, there is in fact more than one October. One comes around EVERY year. Also, that new movie with Jessica Alba? TERRIBLE IDEA.

[Highlife update = katie 1, kelly 2 (we got pizza, she had to pause. also, she started to feel like a drunk. though, katie is the one who just said "wow, I was really drunk last night..." so.)
Game update = score Sox 1, Angels 0; umps 2, Sox 0]

Item 9: Two things about these announcers. One, we kind of wish they'd try to sell us something, just for a sign of life and two, we're pretty sure they're NL whores who think the DH is the devil's work. It's nothing they've said per se, but just an overall calmness that we find unsettling.

[Highlife update = katie 1.5, kelly 2.5
Game update = Joshua Fucking Beckett is a BADASS and kelly's not allowed to use the remote.]

Item 10: "Pedroia will you fucking take a fucking pitch already?!?" Note to self, kelly turns on those she loves damn quick. Although, really, 3 pitches in 2 at bats? Seriously?

Item 11: We're pretty sure that Manny's base-running is "underrated" because it's generally nonexistent. But, you know, whatever.

Item 12: One of my favorite Sox stories of late is the ongoing shuffle between Lowell and Papi as the RBI leader. We start fresh tonight and so far it's Papi 2, Lowell 1. Sweet.

Item 13: Apparently my nemesis, Bill Simmons, wants to write a book called "Caught Looking: My 100 Least Favorite JD Drew Strikeouts." I'll admit, this is funny. But really, I think we need a companion volume called "2 for 1: the 100 Worst Situations in Which JD Drew Ground Into a Double Play."

[Highlife update: katie 1.75, kelly "safely through" 3
Game update: In case you forgot, in October, David Ortiz fucks your mother and steals your lunch money.]

[Highlife update: katie 1.9, kelly 3.2
Game update: Did anyone notice that Beckett's a pitcher not a thrower this season?]

Item 14: Can we just all take a moment to admire Tek's playoff beard? Conveniently, it's awfully easy to do because it's right in line with that chin-high fastball that Tek is definitely going to swing at... And, he does. At least the beard is nice.

[Highlife update: katie 2, kelly 3.5
Game update: whatever.]

Item 15: Why does their sideline reporter look like he's lip syncing? Is it just because we're so used to the amazingly overwhelming size of the Cavernous Maw?

[Highlife update: katie 2, kelly 3.6
Game update: oh my god, josh beckett. oh. my. god.]

Item 16: Okay, "amenities of contemporary life?" That dissertation on advertising? Forget Mormon or National League devotees (very similar, btw), I'm thinking these guys are fucking Amish.

Item 17: kelly says, "Josh Beckett may be from Texas, but John Lackey is from TEXAS." She also keeps using the phrase "SPED," so draw your own conclusions about what she means there.

[Highlife update: katie still 2, kelly 4
Game update: lackey has thrown slightly less than the 826 pitches kelly thinks he has, but really, not by much.]

Item 18: "You can take the first pitch if you want, but it's just going to be strike one." In which the Amish-Mormon-NL announcers win us over in one fell swoop.

[Highlife update: katie 3.1, kelly 4.1
Game update: josh beckett could show up at my house, hit me with a pitch, make me say I love Julio Lugo and steal my favorite sneakers and I would STILL LOVE HIM.]

Item 19: A show I would watch-- ALL OF JOSH BECKETT'S STRIKE OUTS IN SLOW-MO. Also, Cal Ripken is funny-- who knew?

Item 20: HEY, Stephen King!

Item 21: Text message received from katie's brother: "JOSH" In-fucking-deed.

[Highlife update: katie 3.5, kelly 4.4
Game update: I'm actually not sure I can watch unless Josh Beckett's on screen.]

Item 22: We really want the Indians to shell the fuck out of the Yankees. I mean, we REALLY want it.

Item 23: Every time Tek calls a pitch, Beckett sort of laughs like, "are you sure you don't want me to throw it behind my back or something? make it challenging?" It sort of makes me giddy.

Item 24: That bug-eyed freak's eyes are WAY scarier after 3 to 4 beers. For real.

[Highlife update: katie 3.75, kelly "safely through" 5 (I don't know why she keeps saying "safely through," but whatever)
Game update: 7. Shut-out. Innings. BITCHES.]

[Highlife update: katie 4, kelly 5.5
Game update: Did anything happen? We spent most of that half inning wondering whether Beckett will come out for the 8. WHY HAS NO ONE TOLD US WHAT HIS PITCH COUNT IS?!!?]

Item 25: Oh THERE he is. Out, motherfucker!

Item 26: "collage of futility" = brilliant. Maybe these weird guys have better stuff than meets the eye.

Item 27: "AGon would have had that" makes an unpleasant return to our lexicon. Fucking Julio Lugo needs a good beating. Too bad the best person to administer such a thing is JULIO LUGO.

Item 28: katie says, "I still hate Lugo." kelly says, "that's right you do. no, no, I do too. no, wait, they did the best they can. really."

[Highlife update: katie holding at 4, kelly "safely through" 6
Game update: josh beckett's sadistic domination of the los angeles angels of anaheim comes to a beautiful end.]

[Highlife update: same as before, mostly
Game update: also the same.]

Item 29: JOSH BECKETT IS IN FOR THE NINTH. JOSH BECKETT. PITCHING THE NINTH. THAT IS SO HOT.

Item 30: Dear Cy Young voters, Just in case you didn't vote for me, I wanted to drop you a little line to tell you about this shutout complete game I pitched to open the playoffs. Dane Cook tells me there's only one October and even though he's a douchebag, I thought I'd bring my A game. It's too bad you cast the wrong fucking vote. Bitches. Much motherfucking love, Josh Beckett, Red Sox ace.

[Highlife update: katie 4.5, kelly 6.5
Game update: I don't really know what else I can say about Josh Beckett, but. You know, he's kind of awesome.]

If anyone in Los Angeles or Anaheim cared about baseball, they'd be crying right now. That was awesome.

all that and a postseason k/9 of 27

2007-10-03T10:49:00.000-04:00

Despite the truckload of photographic evidence of Jonathan Papelbon's no pants, no shame, no problem dancing shenanigans (and if you've been living under a rock or something, please see Texas Gal here and here for enough video and photographic evidence to almost convince you that it wasn't just a fever dream), my favorite picture to come out of Friday night's celebration is actually this one:

Where would this Red Sox team be without contributions from so many of the young kids? All Dustin Pedroia did this year was write a master's thesis on how to win Rookie of the Year. Clay Buchholz only notched three wins this year, but didn't they all come when wins were starting to feel a little thin on the ground? Would the team have been able to hang on to lead in September if Jacoby Ellsbury hadn't been playing out of his mind trying to fill the void left with Manny out of the lineup? And of course, there is the best beloved blogsake, Cinco Ocho, our pantsless elder statesman.

As a Red Sox fan, I root for this team with as much stomach-churning, rage-inducing insanity during the first game in a series against the Devil Rays in the middle of April as I would during the clinching game of a playoff series in October. Sometimes I think I should take a step back and say, okay, 2004 was probably the best outcome I will ever experience in my lifetime as a sports fan, and everything that happens in the considerable future is gravy. But I want 2007, too. I want it for all the players who have been there before and deserve to get back, but I want it twice as hard for the young guys. I want Dustin Pedroia to make a game-saving catch and knock in the game-winning run in the same inning. I want Jacoby Ellsbury to steal home plate in a walk-off situation. I want Jonathan Papelbon to let the world know that the clock has started ticking on Mariano Rivera's claim to being the most dominant closer in post season history. I want it all, and it's all happening, starting tonight.

also, you know the reason nobody's interviewed beckett yet is that his mouth can't be trusted with the live feed

2007-09-28T23:23:00.000-04:00

Let the record show that when the Red Sox clinched the American League East, Jonathan Papelbon wasn't wearing any pants.

yes, i did import the baseballmusings.com day-to-day database into an excel spreadsheet, why do you ask?

2007-09-26T20:40:00.000-04:00

In honor of tonight's magic number, two things:

ONE: Mike Lowell! This is just your friendly reminder that there is no such thing as a late jumper on the NDRaPRSFftEMRSoML bandwagon. Everyone's welcome!

TWO: Dustin Pedroia! Here is the thing: Pedroia is a table-setter, not a home run hitter. He does, however, have eight homers on the season. He hit number eight tonight, first batter in the sixth inning, breaking a 5-5 tie to give the Sox the lead for good. And as I watched the Mighty Mite ball sail up toward the Monster seats, I said to myself, "Self, why does it feel like we've been here before?"

It's hard to talk about clutch hitting without sounding like a Derek Jeter panty-sniffer, but the fact remains that eight times this year, Dustin Pedroia has hit a home run, and six times he produced either the tying or go-ahead run:

May 8: Breaks a 1-1 tie in the second inning, although the game would later go on to be a rout.
May 27: Solo shot in the top of the ninth to make the score 6-4 (the 234,356 pitch at-bat against then-Ranger Eric Gagne), would later go on to be the difference-maker when Okajima allowed a run in the bottom of the inning.
June 15: Ties the game at 2 in the bottom of the first inning in another game that would end up being a lopsided win.
July 16: Solo shot for the first run of the game in the bottom of the fourth.
August 8: During the epic game against the Angels where the lead changed hands 426 times during the first six innings, is the first batter in the top of the seventh inning, hits a solo shot to take the lead for good.
August 18: Okay, this was pure stat-padding, a solo shot to make a 7-4 game an 8-4 game in the bottom of the eighth.
September 11: The seven-run deficit comeback game against the Devil Rays. First batter in the sixth inning, hits a solo shot to tie.
September 26: Aforementioned tie-breaking solo shot against the As.

So what have we learned here?

1. This is an incredibly small sample size, and should not be taken as an attempt to prove the existence of clutch hitting. I wouldn't want Fire Joe Morgan to try and confiscate my Blogger account.
2. That said, the Red Sox are 8-0 on the season when the Mighty Mite hits a home run.
3. Dustin Pedroia is your AL Rookie of the Year.

another fight to win, another ass to kick

2007-09-26T10:32:00.000-04:00

Of course, we have all seen the best beloved blogsake on the cover of this week's issue of Sports Illustrated, and of course we all immediately crossed ourselves and said, "Get thee behind me, Sports Illustrated Cover Jinx!" and then, of course, we all ran across the street to the big chain bookstore of immediate proximity to try and obtain a copy to put up at our desks next to infamous stare-of-God Improper Bostonian cover. Uh, okay, maybe those last two parts were just me. However, let's discuss the photographs that accompany the Tom Verducci article, particularly this one:

Unclear who decided that sepia tone was the way to go here, but the resulting effect is that this is the portrait that was painted after Jonathan Robert Papelbon was named our 49th president, a fateful event that I now await with a mixture of unbridled anticipation and unbridled terror.

Oh, also? THREE.

well, the cubs have had a 1.5 game lead over the brewers for, like, three weeks, right?

2007-09-24T12:22:00.000-04:00

1. Still looking for that pesky "fast-forward reality" button.

2. Well, at least the Red Sox save some of their more maddening losses for Sundays (the bases loaded Big Papi pop-up against Rivera last week, one-run loss to the freakin' Devil Rays yesterday, with a side of Wake's flesh-eating suck disease continuing to rage despite a direct application of the Tropicana Field treatment). If I wasn't able to simultaneously balance those games out with stompings by the Patriots, I'd probably be in jail/passed out in a gutter somewhere. That Randy Moss, he's doing God's work. He helps his own team win games, and he's kept legions of Red Sox fans distracted enough that they haven't started killing themselves en masse.

3. Which is not to say that Josh Beckett is not doing his part to keep me off the ledge. When I think about Josh Beckett getting (extra) cocky and going on a post-season tear, I have to reach for the smelling salts.

4. Throughout the season, I have allowed myself to be soothed with various statistical projections of win percentage. You know, blah blah if the Sox play .500 ball for the rest of the season, the Yankees would still have to go on some kind of crazy tear to catch them. And, well, we saw how that worked out. On Saturday, someone pointed out that if the Sox went 4-3 over their last seven games, the Yankees would have to go 7-1 over their last eight games to tie for the division, and I thought "Hey, that's totally do-able!" I was an idiot. It's clear to me now that the Yankees are not going to lose another game this season. The Sox are going to have to go similarly undefeated or someone is going to have to give Jorge Posada bird flu.

5. I keep telling myself: no matter what happens, there will be baseball at Fenway in October. Sometimes it helps. Especially when I'm also thinking about Randy Moss.

mujer al borde de un ataque de nervios

2007-09-19T07:48:00.000-04:00

Did you know that the Red Sox traded three players to obtain Eric Gagne? That number may sound familiar to you because THAT'S HOW MANY RUNS HE GAVE UP WITH TWO OUTS LAST NIGHT.

rooting for the red sox: it's like being in a clinical trial where you don't know you're being constantly taken on and off antidepressants

2007-09-18T07:51:00.000-04:00

Sitting on the couch at Katie's neighborhood bar on Sunday night, a beer in one hand, a grilled cheese sandwich with bacon and tomatoes in the other, watching the Patriots score their first touchdown out of one eye and the Red Sox score their first run out of the other, I thought, "Okay, this is it, I can die happy. This is total sporting nirvana."

Unfortunately, for true enlightenment to be reached, the Red Sox would have had to go on to win their game. Even a fairly mundane win would have been acceptable, they didn't need to produce the kind of definitive steal-your-lunch-money victory that the Patriots put up. But, like many people, I was able to be philosophical about the Red Sox hard-luck loss on Sunday night, probably because the pleasure center of my little sports fan lab rat brain had already been repeatedly pushed by Randy Moss.

Then the Red Sox lost the hangover game to the Blue Jays and the Yankees remembered that they know how to beat the Orioles, and I just -- I've hit the point in the season where I just want to know HOW IT'S GOING TO END. If I could, I would turn a fast-forward button on reality right now, and I don't care if Clay Buchholz throws three more no-hitters, if Big Papi hits a homerun so hard in the sixth inning that it circles the earth in time to produce a walk-off win in the ninth, if Papelbon gets bored with striking out batters and openly starts moose-hunting on the mound, if Manny ever starts playing again, if they call off the AL Rookie of the Year race and just give it to Dustin Pedroia in the top half of the third inning of an afternoon game against the Devil Rays, I would give up being able to see it all and go back and read the highlights on boston.com if I could just fast-forward to Wednesday, October 3 and find out which four American League teams are playing each other and in what match-ups. And maybe that makes me a bad fan of the game, but the GAME IS BAD TOUCHING ME RIGHT NOW.

all i have on my tv are mannings. no wonder i'm nauseated

2007-09-16T16:01:00.000-04:00

Last night, we went to see Superbad instead of watching the game because we couldn't take the stress. Afterwards, we hovered outside the window of the Beantown Pub waiting for a FOX game break to end so we could see the score. Then the game came back and it took FOREVER for them to put the score back up and I think we looked like crazy cokeheads or something. Especially with our jubilant celebrations upon final reveal of the score.

And now I will sit back and enjoy the phrase "first to 19 wins" and "Cy Young contender" while remembering how awesome it is when Giambi gets drilled. Mmmmmm... To help, have the following links.

This utterly wonderful New York Times article which is about both Beckett and Pap and includes the following awesome items:

1. "Josh Beckett gripped a baseball while he relaxed on a couch in the Red Sox clubhouse and watched a show about deer hunting."
2. "While Beckett is the Red Sox’s No. 1 starter" mmmm...suck it Schill. Tito's careful to say that Beckett pitched "like an ace", but the NYT is the paper of record. (Interestingly, I've seen Tito's quote 3 times now in 3 different variations: "like an ace of the staff," (NYT) "like the ace of a staff," (Herald and "like the ace of the staff." (Newsday) I wonder which is accurate.)

The Herald article is a bit disjointed, but has some nice quotes from Beckett in re: Hinske.

And the Newsday article which proves that-- much like his win record-- I care way more about Beckett's status as ace than he does: "That means you start Opening Day," he responded so matter-of-factly that his lips barely moved. "You only do that one time."

can i ask tito some questions about the chargers now?

2007-09-15T11:52:00.000-04:00

I have this friend who is a huge Eagles fan, and when they lost the NFC championship game a few years ago, he reportedly kicked a hole in his wall and then stayed in his room for 24 straight hours without leaving to use the bathroom or eat.

I tell this story because it was what kelly referenced to describe her mood when I texted her in the 8th inning last night and also to remind me that it's not only Boston fans that are completely psychotic. Even though, as kelly said this morning, what else are we supposed to do? Get killed by the T? Get shot in Dorchester? Stay inside 6 months of the year? It's no wonder Boston fans look for reasons to be suicidal.

Seriously though, we are angry. I know it's irrational, but we are angry and stressed. kelly barely slept and my first thought upon waking was "6 RUNS! That's canonically not supposed to happen." Because that's the key here-- that's not supposed to happen. Okajima and Papelbon are NOT SUPPOSED to blow a 5-run lead against the Yankees. And if, through some black magic, that actually happens? Well, then ANYTHING can happen.

This weekend was already sports stressful enough-- the Yankees, the importance to us of Josh Beckett having a better win record than Wong, our vital need for the Chargers to get beaten like little bitches so hopefully every game this season won't be a referendum on the Pats "questionable" methods, the issue of Pats-Chargers and Sox-Yankees happening at the same time, etc. If I now have to worry about our dreamy rockstar bullpen blowing leads I may lose my entire grip on reality.

Additionally, losing last night means we can't use any of our really classy "the problem with the Yankees is that suck disease is sexually transmitted" jokes this morning.

What we're mostly hoping is that the Higher Power saw that Huit-Trois appears to be back to form (that scoreless 9th was nice) and, still angry about our 3-closer situation, did something to Okajima's mojo. I mean, this sucks for Oki, but is recoverable for the team as a whole. And since today's game is going to get rained out per all weather reports I've come across (kelly, it may be time to break out that rain dance we did back in 2004), maybe our sadly blown bullpen will get some rest and Beckett can teach Papelbon how to light some drapes on fire to deal with his anger, since as Lowell understated, "I think you can say he probably wasn't too happy." (from here)

On an up note, the New York Times had this little piece on Jacoby, though calling him a cult hero already may be a bit much.

11

2007-09-14T14:42:00.000-04:00

--obviously, my favorite moment during Big Papi's seemingly slow-motion walk-off performance on Wednesday night was Jonathan Papelbon on the top step of the dugout, looking like a kid who'd stayed up all night on Christmas Eve and actually managed to catch Santa Claus with his hand in the cookie jar (priceless screenshot of Papelbon's wooaaa he does exist expression here).

Best beloved blogging friends, I am full of mixed emotions. I am excited that the Sox were able to make up a seven-run deficit on Tuesday night, and I’m nervous that they allowed themselves to fall seven runs down to the Devil Rays. I'm hopeful that good energy will flow from the Sox having produced a walk-off win and the Yankees having suffered a walk-off loss in each of their most recent games, but I also remember what happened when the Sox swept into New York having just pillaged the White Sox for four games straight. Is this the calm before the storm, or should I put my faith in PECOTA, declare the division fated and recognize that this is actually just the messy debris after the storm? Should I wish for a camera in the visiting dugout so I might see Joe Torre's face should Joba the Hutt finally give up a fucking earned run already, or should I still be wary of the fallout from Tapegate?

I took a career matchmaking quiz yesterday, and quiz said that career that is fourth most appropriately suited to my interests is sports psychologist. I’m really excited about my future prospects:

Kelly: Let's talk about what brings you to anger management counseling today.
Josh Beckett: [lights drapes on fire]
Kelly: What do you think caused your phobia of baseballs, did your father throw a baseball at you as a child?
Matt Clement: [cries]
Kelly: So, uh, what brings you here today, especially given that it's been scientifically proven that you're currently the most psychologically dominant closer in major league baseball?
Jonathan Papelbon: [glares]
Jonathan Papelbon: [collects save]
Jonathan Papelbon: [fist pump]

warning: in the bullpen, jonathan papelbon [*]

2007-09-11T15:53:00.000-04:00

I'm not talking about last night, because it never happened. You hear me? NEVER HAPPENED. When Tito fills out a lineup card that looks more appropriate for a celebrity wiffleball tournament (and not even a high-profile one, but one that was happening in Worcester or something), I can only assume that there was not actually a baseball game last night. No game? No problem!

There was a game on Sunday, and lo, it was awesome. Assorted notes:

[1] We decided that Mormon boy Jacoby Ellsbury should use "Goodie Two-Shoes" by Adam Ant for his batting music for the "don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?" part.

[2] Camden Yard was even more overrun with Sox fans than it appears on television, and was every bit a magical wonderland of a ballpark as advertised. It was sort of like the Disneyland of ballparks: everything was clean and shiny, the beer was dirt-cheap, there were crab cakes the size of my head and the air smelled like cotton candy and angel's wings, but it would be weird to live there every day.

[3] When Guthrie came out of the game with an injury, the curious choice was made to play "Just Like Heaven" by the Cure over the loudspeakers. This may have led us to make up a mean-spirited song that may have started with, "Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick, how you give up thirty runs a game, how you lose by 15 to the Devil Rays," but I can neither confirm nor deny.

[4] Josh Beckett is a golden god.

[5] Early in the game, I said that if JD Drew got a hit, I would yell "Yeaaaah, Nancy!" in a really obnoxious Masshole accent. So that went over well, I think.

[6] PAAAAAAAAAAAAAPELBON.

[7] Upon learning the final score of the Patriots game from the closed-circuit television: "That's a little bitch score."

[*] The display actually read, "Warming in the bullpen: Jonathan Papelbon." k8 either misread it or uncovered a greater psychological truth about teams doomed to face Cinco-Ocho in the ninth inning.

at least at gitmo you get to hang out with jerry rice

2007-09-09T09:20:00.000-04:00

We're in Baltimore and since leaving Boston, we've seen 5 items of Red Sox apparel and met two plains clothes Red Sox fans. We've seen absolutly nothing to remind us that the Orioles exist.

Tthere was talk of going to last night's game, but we ended up paying people to jab us with needles for an hour or so instead. And, as evidenced by the series of text messages exchanged by kelly and cspan, we're pretty sure we made the less agonizingly painful decision:

Fr: Cspan
--------------
Do you think we can start a rumor that Dice K is a terrorist & get him shipped to Gitmo?
--------------
8:08PM Sat, Sep 8

Fr: Cspan
--------------
According to NESN, Dice K's ERA this month is 12.36?
--------------
8:20PM Sat, Sep 8

Fr: Cspan
--------------
Before the third inning it was 4-1 Sox. Now it's the top of the 4th it's 8-4 Orioles and Carnie King had to finish the last batter for DK after he loaded the bases, walked in two runs, and Hobbs hits a grand slam off him. Abortion.
--------------
8:28PM Sat, Sep 8

Fr: kelly
--------------
Abortion indeed actually kind of glad I can't find a tv.
--------------
8:30PM Sat, Sep 8

Fr: Cspan
--------------
People aren't supposed to start Dice K. I thought you guys knew that. I'm going to start drinking now.
--------------
8:32PM Sat, Sep 8

Fr: kelly
--------------
We are getting tattoos, sounds less painful than this game.
--------------
9:41PM Sat, Sep 8

Fr: Cspan
--------------
11-5 final. I want to kill something just to watch it die.
--------------
10:15PM

Seriously. We are going to today's game and since kelly told me repeatedly that Beckett would think I was a pansy if I backed out of the tattoo, he really better come through for me. And when I say "come through for me" I'd pretty much be equally okay with a win OR a seventh-inning attack on Kevin Millar's head.

if you strike me down, i shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine

2007-09-07T16:02:00.000-04:00

* On July 28, Jonathan Papelbon blew a save against the Devil Rays. I was at a bar, attending a going away party for one of my favorite people in the whole world but, because I am a bastard, still monitoring the game out of the corner of my eye, so it was a real struggle to be like "yeah, uh-huh, so when do you guys get the keys to the new apartment?" when what I was thinking was "GOD DAMMIT. FUCKING GOMES. WHAT IF THIS IS THE START OF A SECOND-HALF SLIDE? HOW WILL I FUNCTION? AM I TO DIE IN MY BED?" Fortunately for me (and everyone who has to come in contact with me), Paps appears to have taken this performance to heart. Since July 28, he has pitched 14 and 2/3 innings, during which he has allowed one hit, zero runs, struck out 24 and walked four. Also, he would like to remind you that he is still a fucking Jedi, okay? (See above.)

Continued Conversations with Pap & Tito: September 6, 2007:

Pap: Tito, did you see me tonight? Fourth appearance in five days and I was still gas, man.
Pap: [fist pump x 4]
Pap: If there'd been a double header today, I totally could've pitched both games, right?
Tito: But we didn't have a double header today.
Pap: Yeah, but, I'm just saying--
Tito: Jesus Christ.
Pap: C'mon! Apparently I gotta raise my VORP by 6.4 points if I wanna be the most statistically dominant closer in baseball.
Tito: Do you even understand what you just said?
Pap: Not a clue.
Pap: [fist pumps]

* Clay Buchholtz wants you to know that he will be fetching all of Tim Wakefield's wins for him for the time being. Wake is totally cool with this, by the way, he is going to use the extra time off to help Dougie develop a strength and conditioning routine that is slightly more exhaustive than "pick up chicken parm, deliver to mouth, repeat."

* As Katie mentioned in the previous post, we are taking the Papel-blogging, NDRaPRSFftEMRSoML-supporting, all-singing, all-dancing, all-Miller-High-Life-drinking show on the road this weekend and taking in our first game at Fenway South on Sunday afternoon. Hopefully things will work out better than when we saw a game on my birthday last year.

unrelatedly, i am about to make some football picks and i am so excited

2007-09-06T10:50:00.000-04:00

Things Learned Last Night From the Fans in Fenway, RF Box #92

1. "Mike Lowell is really tearing it up."

This is completely true, as all members of NDRaPRSFftEMRSoML know. Speaking of, members should be aware that buttons will be forthcoming (basic, "contract year? what contract year?", and "muy sexy" (even though kelly thinks bringing sexiness into it lowers the discourse) variety) as soon as we return from Baltimore. Also, here's the latest from The Globe

2. "No one really likes JD Drew."

Also true. On the way from Fenway to Hynes, some hopped-up-on-victory Toronto fan shouted "JD Drew sucks!" and the response was "We all think JD Drew sucks, too!" followed by an impromptu "JD DREW SUCKS!" chant. I could only have been prouder if everyone called him "Nancy."

3. "You're in the same building as Matt Clement."

I don't know, maybe he was working the Dunkin Donut stand? I heard the hot chocolate machine was broken-- maybe he thought it might start throwing balls at his head.

4. "Matt Stairs! Lives in Bangor, Maine!"

The delightful gentlemen behind us were from Bangor and reminded us that Matt Stairs lives there with his every at-bat. I think that Matt Stairs and Bangor, Maine are probably a perfect match.

5. "Curt Schilling is a 5 inning pitcher!"

This line was repeated too many times to actually be funny, but really. I'll just say that when I got distracted by the Yankees going ahead when the score was changed between the 5th and the 6th, it worked out well because it kept me from noticing that they sent the Old Man back in for the 6th. At least he didn't get the W. And yes, yes, I know that hating him makes me a bad person, and I promise to stop doing it as soon as he moves to Tampa Bay.

6. Alex Rios has found a new life partner.

For real, man, this Braves fan behind us was SUPER PUMPED about Alex Rios, categorizing his feelings for him as love. In the bottom of the 9th, when no one was really cheering, he started screaming for Rios and he totally got the acknowledging chest pound in return. With that kind of encouragement, he proceded to shout his love for Rios for a good five minutes straight-- Rios looked a bit uncomfortable with the attention, but I'm pretty sure he was just being coy. He definitely smiled when the guy shouted "You're better than JD Drew."

still worked on that 32K/9

2007-09-05T08:01:00.000-04:00

SEPTEMBER 4, 2007
Tina Cervasio: Jonathan, for the first time this season, you pitched in three straight games. How did you and Terry Francona and John [Farrell], how did you come to that decision?
Jonathan Papelbon: Uh, a lot of begging by me, I tell you what.

[...]

APRIL 20, 2007
Pap: Tito, my man! It's Sox/Yankees, man! This is the stuff that gets your blood boilin' and your heart poundin' and you just wanna, you know, it just makes you wanna--
Pap: [starts spontaneously fist-pumping]
Tito: Sit down.
Pap: C'mon!
Tito: You pitched yesterday, you pitched two days ago. You know the rules. We talked about this. Besides, it's freakin' April.
Pap: ... C'mon.
Pap: [makes world's saddest little fist pump]

MAY 27, 2007
Pap: So, hey, I was thinking--
Tito: No.
Pap: But--
Tito: Do you want to end up like Mike Timlin? Do you want to start every season on the DL?
Pap: Dude, that guy's scary.

JUNE 4, 2007
Pap: Tito, listen, I can't do this. It's not me. It's not who I am. I can't sit here and not get into games when I need to get into games. It's like trying to keep a lion in a cage, or make a kid color inside the lines or make Manny wear pants that aren't six sizes too big.
Tito: You can't pitch three games in a row this early in the season.
Pap: So ... you're saying ... later in the season?
Tito: Well.
Pap: C'mon!
Tito: September 1st. Depending how the season goes, on September 1st, we'll talk.
Pap: [fist pumps]

JULY 5, 2007
Pap: Okay, so, I was thinking. I know Jonathan Papelbon pitched last night, and I know Jonathan Papelbon pitched two nights ago, but what if Cinco-Ocho pitched tonight?
Tito: Get out of my office.
Pap: You let Oki pitch whenever he wants!
Tito: Yeah, but throwing so many pitches you think your arm is gonna fall off is like a sport for them or something.
Pap: Man, Oki is so awesome!
Pap: [fist pumps]

SEPTEMBER 1, 2007
Pap: Hey Tito, guess what today is?
Tito: The day you finally let me have my mid-afternoon nap?
Pap: It's September 1st, it's September 1st, it's September 1st!
Tito: Oh, I forgot about that.
Pap: So I'm available tonight? Seventh inning, right? You need me to get nine outs? I'm your dude, right?
Tito: You pitched last night, but before that you hadn't pitched since the 26th of August, of course you're available.
Pap: Yeah, but, what if I went back in time and pitched two days ago, too, then would I still be available?
Tito: [blank stare]
Pap: Well, would I?
Tito: Yes, I suppose that if you went back in time and pitched on Thursday night, you'd still be available tonight. If we need to go to the bullpen tonight, I suppose you're available.
Clay Buchholz: [throws a complete game no-hitter]
Pap: C'mon!

bake sale on yawkey way next tuesday

2007-09-03T11:23:00.000-04:00

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. I'm starting a club. You guys can join, too:

NDRaPRSFftEMRSoML

It stands for: Normally Discerning, Rational and Pragmatic Red Sox Fans for the Emotionally Motivated Re-Signing of Mike Lowell.

file name: nomotherfuckinghitting.jpg

2007-09-01T22:36:00.000-04:00

So, uh, you think he'll rate ESPN digging up his roster photo after tonight?

the calendar hung itself

2007-08-31T09:34:00.000-04:00

Okay, I admit it. I am nervous. I am on the proverbial ledge. That sweep at the hands of the Yankees bad touched me.

And if you, my best beloved Red Sox blogging comrades, if you should happen to find yourself feeling the same way, I can offer you one small piece of advice: go read the post you made on this exact day last year.

August 31, 2006: Well, it's reached a point where even fielding a nine-man roster every game is a moral victory.

This post mentions the then-just-recently circulating rumor that Jon Lester had cancer, commemorates the desperation that led to moving Batshit Tavarez to the starting rotation and name-checks the continued existence of Rudy Seanez.

(And if that's not enough, read the post you made the day our starting lineup was:

Coco Crisp (CF)
Alex Cora (SS)
Kevin Youkilis (LF) (!!!!) (#$&$*##@)
The Historic Second Half Swoon of Mike Lowell (3B)
Eric Hinske (RF)
Javy Lopez (C)
Carlos Pena (1B)
Dustin Pedroia When He Still Sucked (2B)

According to our recap, the most exciting thing that happened was watching Manny sitting in the dugout and laboring over eating a piece of gum.)

Crawling out of the Bronx clinging to a five-game lead has to be better than that, right? Right?

that said, i think mike barnicle would be an inspired choice

2007-08-29T21:29:00.000-04:00

Say what you want about Clement -- who was signed after the Sox lost both Pedro Martínez and Derek Lowe -- but he's a professional pitcher (from here)

Actually what I want to say about Matt Clement is that he barely qualifies as a professional pitcher at this point. I think, given that he's being paid to be on the DL, he's a professional invalid. Someone get that boy a fainting couch. Another thing I want to say about Matt Clement is OH THANK GOD! he's available for the playoff roster. I mean, they'll probably use him to get Lester or the Mormon or someone on the roster, but some other article I can't find again totally implied that the Coffee Boy himself might be playing in the playoffs. Apparently that author was unaware that you can't pitch in playoff games if you're afraid of baseballs. Small technicality there.

I rant about Matt Clement in order to do something with the rage I've worked up watching this game. It's not quite as bad as last night's game, I guess, but still. Also, re: last night's game, kelly says that she thought there was no one she'd rather see homer less than Jeter and then Damon taught her differently (which, outside of teaching his children that cheating on their mother with a stripper was the best decision he ever made* is possibly the only thing the neanderthal has ever taught anyone). It reinforces the idea that Jeter has intangibles and that Damon isn't a broken man, because at least at this point she's come to accept ARod's homers the way you accept natural disasters. (...speaking of: FUCK! You know what shouldn't have happened? Beckett coming in for the 7th after 118 pitches. You'd think our bullpen was some box of lepers. Ugh.)

But back to tonight's game, two things about the telecast--

1. I love that Remy and DonO talked obsessively about Clemens' no-hitter. Jinx away, boys, jinx away.

2. It's sad that Remy has become the kind of announcer who gets really excited when he actually has something to say that's relevant to the game rather than just claptrap about RSN and the like. When he was analyzing the Varitek-Beckett botched play at first, he was SO enthusiastic it was like he was a different person.

Since the game continues to be abortion, some distractions for you in the form of audience participation:

a. Sometimes we play a game called "Who's your Dontrelle Willis?" where we name the players (usually pitchers) from other teams we secretly fantasize about having on the Sox. kelly's Dontrelle Willis is Eric Bedard (though sadly he was scratched from his next start due to an oblique injury). My Dontrelle Willis is usually Dontrelle Willis, but lately it's been Johan Santana (mmmm...firey!) So, kids, who's YOUR Dontrelle Willis?

b. kelly is worried that our tendency to call JD Drew "Nancy" and make cheap jokes about PMS when he takes his time off is a sign of our latent, socialized misogyny. Please weigh in with either your thoughts on our feminist dilemma or a cheap joke about Nancy's time of the month.

c. MIKE TIMLIN IS HOLDING HIS JACKET IN HIS TEETH. There's nothing for you to do there, just marvel.

d. Please provide your own rant about Matt Clement in either haiku, sonnet, or a foreign language.

*To protect me from the rage of Michelle Damon, she may not be a stripper, but he totally did say that she was his best decision in that stupid book about her.

this weekend was the equivilent to sending our offense to a nice spa or something

2007-08-26T21:50:00.000-04:00

After a four-game assassination in which the Red Sox offense out-scored the White Sox 46-7, I thought it might be fun to concentrate on the performance of the four starters. When your team scores fourteen runs (fourteen runs on Saturday, and none on homers!) you figure you coulda sent the batboy out on the mound and gotten the win, but there was some good stuff going on there amidst the offensive explosion:

Game 1: Josh Fucking Beckett
Pitching Line: 5.2IP, 7H, 3ER, 1HR, 3BB, 4SO
Probably Celebrated His Win By: skull-fucking a water cooler and listening to some "angry" DMB tunes ("Don't Drink the Water"?) as this was a pretty rough outing. Here's the thing, though -- there's a lot of talk lately about how best beloved Beckett is the "true ace" of the 2007 team, and I actually think this lousy outing cinched it. In the top of the first inning, issuing those three walks in a row, Beckett had nothing, and it seemed like we were in for a 1.2 inning, 7 run nightmare start that would have the bullpen grabbing their collective ankles. But your ace? Your ace is the guy who says, "Okay, I've got nothing today. But now I've got to figure out a way to keep us in the game." So cheer up, Beckett kid, because it's craaaaaazy how you make it aaaaaall alright.

Game 2: Curt Schilling's Hair
Pitching Line: 6.0IP, 3H, 1ER, 1HR, 1BB, 3SO
Probably Celebrated His Win By: looking at real estate in Tampa.

Game 3: Tim "Look Out, Cy Young" Wakefield
Pitching Line: 7.0IP, 3H, 0ER, 0HR, 2BB, 6SO
Probably Celebrated His Win By: balancing his checkbook, doing strength and conditioning exercises with Dougie, drinking a Michelob Ultra, etcetera. Tim Wakefield knows that you doubted that he could dominate a team whose name doesn't rhyme with "Revil Days," and he feels sorry for you. He takes his badassery just like he takes the occasions he gets shelled: in stride.

Game 4: Batshit Tavarez the Carnie King
Pitching Line: 6.0IP, 2H, 1ER, 1 HR, 3BB, 7SO
Probably Celebrated His Win By: rubbing Manny's head for good luck, playing a couple games of Skeeball, buying powdered rhino horn online, showing up late for his part-time gig on the traveling carnie circuit, saying, "Sorry, boss, had to stay late and kick ass at my day job." With Batshit, who knows, it's all fair game.

Leftovers:

1: I need to tell you guys a secret. After two weekends of Fox broadcast, the There's Only One October! ad campaign is growing on me a teeny, tiny bit. I'm sorry, but any commercial that includes footage from the 2004 ALCS cannot be all bad. Dane Cook is a huge douche, but what if they'd gotten Dennis Leary instead? I mean, Dennis Leary is a huge douche, too, but he's earned the right to be a douche, you know?

2: Speaking of the Fox broadcast, the tendency toward Jeter ball-washing and giving Tim McCarver a paycheck aside, at least Joe Girardi actually talks about baseball during a, y'know, baseball game. I love Remy and Don-O like my next door neighbors, but the giggle-fests are starting to wear on me, and I think they are in danger of losing their minds a bit early this season, NESN may have to go to the bullpen for announcers who still remember how to speak in complete sentences by mid-September. Blah blah president of Red Sox Nation blah fan sign referencing the air guitar incident blah GYRO BALL BLAH.

3: Ozzie Guillen is obviously in no danger of losing his mind, it's already too late. And I seriously thought he was going to rush the mound while his own team was pitching during the eighth inning on Saturday. If Ozzie becomes the first manager to start an on-the-field brawl with his own team before the season is over, I will not be least bit surprised.

4: I'm watching the Sunday Night Baseball broadcast of the Mets/Dodgers game to see if the corpse of David Wells can still get it over the plate, and, uh, I admit I have been frustrated from time to time with the Red Sox with runners in scoring position, but the next time the Sox squander runners on first and third with nobody out, I am going to think about the Dodgers, because, Jesus Christ.

5: I'd be remiss if I didn't point out the absolute highlight of the weekend, bringing in Papelbon just to get some work for the ninth inning of a 11-1 blowout. I can only assume that Papelbon had to inject some of the Carnie King's Red Bull directly into his pulmonary artery in order to get the adrenaline flowing properly -- whatever he did, it worked, because he struck out the side, allowing him to continue to his march toward a space time continuum bending 31K/9.

it's not funny because it's still true

2007-08-23T11:44:00.000-04:00

Second verse, same as the first:

also known as every girlfriend josh beckett has ever had

2007-08-22T10:55:00.000-04:00

It's been at least a couple weeks since our beautiful best beloved blogsake did something batshit balls-out crazy. But the wait is over! Nick Cafardo wants you to know that Jonathan Papelbon wants you to know that he's got a new pitch. It's called the slutter:

He threw Jonny Gomes a "slutter." That's what Jonathan Papelbon calls his new pitch -- a combination cut fastball and slider.

This news narrowly edges out my co-workers and I leaving a get well card for Mike Mussina on our resident Yankee fan co-worker's desk as the best thing that's happened to me this morning. Because: THE SLUTTER.

(It reminds me of 2004, when our household decided that Alan Embree looked like the kind of guy who killed hookers at truck stops for fun, and how this was probably common knowledge around clubhouse, but that young wide-eyed Bronson Cornroyo would say, whenever he heard Embree and Timlin chuckling over Embree's exploints, "What's a hooker? Is that a kind of pitch?" Obviously, in this situation, it would be Jon Lester, peering out from under the souvenir sundae cup helmet he wears as a ball cap, saying, "What's a slutter? Is that a pitch?"

Okay, wait a second … long, tangential story reaching logical conclusion … mental image of Jon Lester with white boy cornrows … central nervous system shutting down …)

In other news, with last night's overpowering four-out effort, Papelbon became the first pitcher in Red Sox history to notch two 30 save seasons. I guess anything's possible when you just concentrate on mowing your own lawn.

about last night

2007-08-21T09:11:00.001-04:00

I was really, really nervous about last night's game. Re-arranging the rotation and giving the Carnie King a spot start so that Wake could have his home field advantage at the Trop seemed like a dangerous move, given that merciful Allah seems to kind of hate the Red Sox right now, especially when they do things to try to win ball games. That sort of presumption to tempt fate had me fully prepared for Wake to give up 14 runs in 2 and 2/3rds innings, and never mind what would happen to Kevin Cash, but it would end with him waving a white flag from the visiting dugout, having chased after his nineteenth passed ball.

But apparently there is no stopping Tim Wakefield in the House that Juice Built. Seven shut-out innings on seventy-seven pitches! He appears to have come out after seven because he was bored, or he promised Dougie that they'd do strength and conditioning exercises together or something. [*] If you'd told me at the beginning of this season that there would come a time when Tim Wakefield and Josh Beckett were part of a three-way tie for most wins in the American League? Um. What?

* Yes, I know he came out because he said his back was tightening up. We can't talk about it. GOD MIGHT HEAR YOU.

we now join our weekend v. the angels, already in progress

2007-08-18T22:27:00.000-04:00

FRIDAY
Buchholz: PWNS.
Gagne: is pwnded.

Dougie: stud who limps home.
Wily Mo: stud who limps off to the Nationals.

But anyway, I mean, I get it now. God said, "You guys can have one bad-ass closer and one guy who's good enough that he'd probably be the closer on most other teams, but you can't have three closers. It's greedy." And now we're being punished. But it's fucking Lucy and the football with Gagne at this point, some kind of bad nightmare that I accidentally keep catching in re-runs and I want it to stop.

Also, I hate K-Rod. The next person who claims that Papelbon showboats after a save needs to be forced to watch 10,000 K-Rod save celebrations. he practically whips it out right there on the mound.

SATURDAY
Papi: PWNS.
Manny: is pwned for most of the game but then gets jealous and decides he wants to pwn too.

Schill: is old.
Tek: is no spring chicken either, but somehow manages to catch 26 (!!!) innings in 24 hours.

Also, hey! ERIC HINSKE HAS A MOHAWK. Because nothing says "I am totally comfortable with being a new father" like MOHAWK!

UM. CLUTCH, COME-FROM-BEHIND OFFENSE, IS THAT YOU?

eight thoughts before we all settle in for eighteen innings of baseball

2007-08-17T10:22:00.001-04:00

1. Katie and I were at Wednesday afternoon's game, and even we don't want to talk about it.

2. Except, okay, one thing: it was quickly forgotten when it was all for naught, but how impressive was Lugo's eleven-pitch at-bat in the bottom of the ninth? I'm knocking on wood with one hand and typing with the other, but could the corner finally be turned?

3. After the game, we were musing about Katie's love of the creepy, Heathers-esque Dawn Timlin/Shonda Schilling friendship:

Katie: Sometimes, I think that when Mike Timlin dies, or when everyone finally realizes he's dead, that Dawn Timlin--
Kelly: Will start pitching for the Red Sox?
Katie:No, I was going to say, Dawn Timlin will become Curt Schilling's second wife, like on Big Love.
Kelly: Oh, good point.

4. I've done the math, and Clay Buchholz makes baby-faced Jon Lester look like the zombie Mike Timlin.

5. He's also apparently allergic to ketchup?

6. My other favorite thing about that article is that he and Jacoby are roommates. I imagine that entertainment in that apartment involves Clay throwing his change-up at Jacoby when he's walking from the kitchen to the bathroom and Jacoby sprinting out of the way before the ball hits him in the face.

7. One more story about Wednesday afternoon's game that's not about Manny striking out -- we were there with a rare breed not often seen in the wild, a Devil Rays fan. At one point, I mockingly said, "No, I understand. Some of my best friends are Devil Rays fans. It's not their fault. They were just born that way." And the woman in front of me turned around and said, "You spend a lot of time hanging out with twelve year olds?"

8. But seriously, am I the only one who starts getting PTSD flashbacks just thinking about the Jimmy Fund Telethon double header? Last year's was pretty much the worst day of my summer, and keep in mind, I spent most of last summer attempting to date a Yankees fan. It's a good thing that experiment had run its course by mid-August of last year, otherwise I might have jumped off a ledge or something.

here comes captain varitek!

2007-08-14T22:24:00.000-04:00

The facts:

* Jon Lester throws seven (!!) innings of one-run ball.

* Eric Gagne strikes out the side in the ninth and (irony of ironies) gets the win.

* Manny makes the first out of the ninth, and the game-tying and walk-off heroics to fall to Mike Lowell, Jason Varitek and Coco Crisp.

I LOVE THIS ALTERNATE UNIVERSE.

tonight, the role of the stopper will be played by tim wakefield

2007-08-13T22:37:00.000-04:00

YES:

1. TIMMMMEH.

2. Lugo? In the ... clutch?

3. Speaking of Lugo, I approve of his continued attempts to maim opposing pitchers with balls put into play. Remember when he broke Jeff Karstens' leg? That and the walk-off error on Mother's Day were the only two things that kept me from trying to have a hit put out on him the first three months of the season.

4. Papelbon pitches a near instructional video styled 9th, effectively saying, "That is how it is motherfucking done in this motherfucking house, Gagne. Now do you think you can find your supposedly filthy stuff or do you need both hands and a flashlight?"

NO:

1. I am generally supportive of Tito Francona. You wanna bat JD Drew in the lead-off spot? Fine. You show your confidence in tight spots by wanna rock and forth like Rain Man? Great. You wanna marry Javier Lopez? Sure. BUT WHY MUST YOU CONTINUE TO PLAY ALEX CORA, ERIC HINSKE AND DOUG MIRABELLI ON THE SAME NIGHT? Since July 1, Dazzler's manservant has made nine starts. In four of those games, both Cora and Hinske have also been in the starting lineup. For a team that's been sort of, uh, offensively bulimic, is it really a good idea to effectively wave a white flag with your lineup card? Seriously?

2. Baltimore runs out of come-from-behind gas, allowing a walk-off performance from Captain Intangibles. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Must have been the lingering scent of oakmoss and chilled grapefruit.