Friday, July 28, 2006

eventually, i hope to get a job at NESN as the official melon polisher

It's good to know that, while Katie and I write a blog called the Papelblog, we are not actually the most hyperbolic people out there when it comes to describing the bad-ass new closer:

A beautiful gift fell from the sky this spring and landed at the feet of the Boston Red Sox. It was so radiant, they didn't know what to do with it at first. So precious, they have come to treat it with exceptional care. So powerful, the mind races at what the future could hold. For now, however, it is simply a gift that should be shared with and enjoyed by the world. All behold, Jonathan Papelbon.

Awesome. I bet this guy would totally sit around and sing "The Circle of Life" with me. From a Washington Post article available
here. The rest of the article is mostly blah, blah will the Sox make him a starter next year, blah, blah will he win the Cy Young/Rookie of the Year/AL MVP. My feelings on the latter, for the record, is that all awards in the MLB became meaningless when Big Papi didn't win the AL MVP in 2005, so I don't really care one way or the other. Simba's feelings on the matter, according to this article in the Boston Herald: “I think Rookie of the Year would be the most important to me because you only get one chance at it."

So, anyway, I have noticed recently that my still-rather-hyperbolic co-writer and I appear to be operating as a minority within a minority in the blogosphere: Red Sox bloggers who are women who don't hate
Hazel Mae. At first, this puzzled me. But then I remembered that I'm a lesbian, and that ... explained some things. Katie, on the other hand, is not a lesbian. But right after we first met three summers ago, we were going to hang out with someone we didn't really like, and I said, "Well, you know, she has a nice rack, so if what's she's saying gets irritating, just focus on that," and Katie agreed to at least try, so I really recommend that you at least try to give Hazel Mae the same treatment, because, seriously, did you see that catch Coco made that sweater Hazel wears in the Red Sox Rewind commercial?

Also, let's not forget that there is a
unsourced, unproven and unreliable internet rumor that she is hitting it with Tito, which I like to pretend is 100% completely true because it makes the world a better place.

247 Comments:

At 11:50 AM, Blogger Kristen said...

My very favorite thing about that commercial is the way Adam Stern is so incredibly, cringe-inducingly awkward when he places his hand on her shoulder, sheer terror sets in when he realizes how precariously close his hand is to Hazel assets, he panics, moves the hand and says, "Man, Hazel, you don't miss a thing." And she? Loses her shit because he is so ridiculous.

It makes me want to wrap Adam Stern in a blanket and give him a juice box and tell him that girls don't bite.

Not that I've laughed at that commercial eleventy billion times or anything.

 
At 12:10 PM, Blogger always thinking about papelbon said...

My favorite part is the way that he's so clearly LOOKING at the assets, but you're right, it's much less a leer and much more sheer terror of their prominence and the potential that they might try to take over a city or something.

Awww, now I kinda miss Adam Stern. Looks like he's hitting .259 right now in Pawtucket?

 
At 9:09 AM, Blogger Desert Sox said...

Offisial mellon polisher, wow... Now that's a job that many will line up around the next block for. But seriously, does staring at Hazel's naughty-pillows (as fine as they are) really make up for some of her boob-headed comments?
Or are you simply letting desire overcome your rational side?
Kristen, who you kidding, girls do so bite!
Adam Stern in a Blanket with a juice box, that's just precious.

 
At 9:16 AM, Blogger Desert Sox said...

Hazel Mae hitting it with Tito?
Naw. I just can't see it, the Skeeve Factor is all wrong... besides, I seriously do not want to imagine Hazel polishing Terry's mellon with HER mellons.

 
At 8:57 PM, Blogger Kristen said...

//Kristen, who you kidding, girls do so bite!//

That's true. It was all a dirty, dirty lie.

 
At 2:00 AM, Blogger always thinking about papelbon said...

does staring at Hazel's naughty-pillows (as fine as they are) really make up for some of her boob-headed comments?

i'm telling you -- try it for one week. satisfaction guarenteed or your money back!

 
At 2:42 PM, Blogger Amy said...

Brain esplody. Hazel and Tito does not compute.

 
At 5:20 PM, Blogger always thinking about papelbon said...

And by "unsourced, unproven, and unreliable" you mean "may as well be true because it's true in our hearts," right? Right.

Hazel Mae/Tito 4eva.

 
At 9:52 PM, Blogger Katiee said...

aww Adam Stern juice box <3 love

 
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