i'm jonathon papelbon and i'm here to rescue youthe off-season adventures of jonathan papelbon:
*"photo" by cspan.
9a.m.: Get up, prepare bowl of Cheerios for delicious off-season training regimen breakfast.
10a.m.: Finish cereal. Off-season training regimen involves only using right arm for pitching-related purposes. Eating cereal left-handed is hard.
Receive voicemail from Tek re: A-Rod's postseason batting average. Secretly think Tek shouldn't be pointing fingers. Would obvs never say that, saw what happened to A-Rod, no way could take Tek--esp. one-handed.
Able to sneak extra letters to use "subluxation" in game of Scrabble with Dougie, but before master plan comes to fruition, he spills sambucca on the board while demonstrating new bomb-hitting technique and game is over.
Offer to take twins trick-or-treating. Twins apparently "over that shit" fifteen years ago, say I just want an excuse to wear my Luke Skywalker costume again. Twins suck. Luke Skywalker, awes.
Timlin suggests bow-hunting trip. Decline as may be detrimental to off-season training regimen. Timlin asks if it's hard to do sissy-girl calisthenics one-handed. Try to ignore him, eventually he leaves shouting "I'll use both hands when I fuck your wife!"
While watching The Lion King before bed again, ask Ashley if she's been missing anything since the season ended. Says no. Probably not lying, but to be safe, delete TIMLIN from her phone.
Wonder what it would take to get people saying "just Paps being Paps."
Try to come up with Jon-as-baseball's-Lance-Armstrong joke, but nothing works. Maybe cancer jokes still not funny. Sign card "K Lymphoma" instead.
Listen to Schill practice his Japanese for fifteen minutes. Don't speak Japanese, so ignore him the entire time. Not much different than all conversations with Schill. Leave when he starts Googling Japanese Everquest sites.
Twins send awesome light-saber for Christmas. Hard to fight Vader left-handed. Consider easing back into use of right arm.
DAY ONE HUNDRED AND ONE.
New Years' Resolution, 2007: Don't blow out shoulder and fuck up total bad-ass season. Also, floss more.
DAY ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-TWO.
Text Tom Brady to see if he wants to get a glass of wine or something. Response: "Bring kung-pao chicken and movie (anything but i, robot). Don't really feel like leaving house right now." Wonder how he feels about The Lion King.
DAY ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-TWO.
Try to buy wedding gift for Theo. Crate and Barrel registry doesn't include replacement closer. Settle on waffle iron.
DAY ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-FIVE.
Pack bags for Fort Meyers. Re-pack, leaving out light saber. Re-pack including light saber and Luke Skywalker costume, but decide will only pitch in it if win a bet.