Jason Varitek's Rehabilitation DiaryWith apologies to the Sons of Sam Horn.
Day 1: August 6, 2006
6:00 AM: Wakes up at house in Newton. Slept poorly, had horrible dream where last night's starting battery was David Wells and Javy Lopez.
6:02 AM: Flips on ESPN. Learns horrible dream was … not a dream.
6:30 AM: Wife offers prescription pain medication, Tek declines.
7:00 AM: First session with physical therapist. Tells her that he's got a theory that if they do twice as much therapy, he can be back in action twice as fast. Says he's got a date with ARod's face on August 18, let's make it happen.
8:00 AM: Therapist says that was great, but they've probably done enough for today.
8:30 AM: Therapist says, "Okay, seriously, I think we've done enough for today." Tek makes "talk to the hand" motion.
9:00 AM: Therapist attempts to suggest the possibility of re-injury. Tek tells her to bring him some more weights or he will fuck her shit up.
9:30 AM: Tek doing weight resistance training, therapist is self-administering hits of oxygen. Tek flips on ESPN, sees today's starting line-up includes some guy named Corky behind the plate.
9:31 AM: Tek grabs phone, calls Tito, shouts, "Corky? Corky?" Like the retard in Life Goes On? Fuck this rehab shit, I'll meet you guys in Tampa Bay."
9:32 AM: Therapist offers prescription pain medication, Tek declines.
9:40 AM: Changes into red mock turtleneck, Hugo Boss suit.
9:45 AM: Calls wife en route to Logan. Tells her to kiss the girls, the Captain is needed.
10:00 AM: Flight to Tampa Bay takes off. Sitting in airplane seat causes knee to swell, Tek has to bite own hand to stop from screaming in agony. Flight attendant asks if he has any prescription pain medication or something, Tek declines.
10:10 AM: In flight, flips through the following books: The 21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader, Primal Leadership and Patton on Leadership.
1:00 PM: Flights lands in Tampa. Tek crutches out to the curb, hails cab. Says, "Take me to that fucking excuse for a mini-golf course."
1:05 PM: Cab pulls up in front of Celebration Station Amusement Park. Tek screams, tells cabbie he meant the other excuse for a mini-golf course, the one where they play baseball.
1:10 PM: Cab pulls up in front of Tropicana Field.
1:15 PM: Tek crutches into dugout as team is taking the field for the first inning. Grabs Tito, tells him he could catch with the crutches, is sure he would still run the bases faster than Dougie. Tito rocks back and forth.
1:20 PM: Crutches over to Josh Beckett. Tells him, "I just want you to know, every time you shake off a pitch call, a kitten dies. You just think about that."
1:25 PM: Crutches over to Curt Schilling for ten minutes of catching up on Curt's last appearance, the problems Curt feels he might be having with his delivery, those mean bitches from the internet who keep telling lies about Curt on the Yankees message boards, Curt's totally blasé opinion on Curt's Hall of Fame chances, the status of Curt's bowel movements, other stuff.
1:35 PM: Pats Curt on the back.
1:36 PM: Removes cotton from ears.
1:37 PM: Spies Beckett tying additional hemp bracelet around wrist. Calls out, "Oh yeah, and I saw your Improper Bostonian cover. When I was on the cover of the Improper Bostonian, I wore a fucking suit jacket."
1:45 PM: Settles down next to Al Nipper. Says, "Just think of me as Nipper Jr. for the next couple weeks." Doubles over in pain. Nipper tells Tek to take a pain pill, for God's sake. Tek declines.
2:00 PM: Accidentally steps on Jon Lester. "Sorry, kid," Tek says, "I didn't see you down there."
2:15 PM: Up 2-1 at the bottom of the fourth, Tek decides it's time to take a trip out to see the bullpen.
2:30 PM: Crutches into bullpen. Sees Timlin, knocks fists. Timlin tells Tek that the road ain't no place to raise a family, but is distracted by a Devil Ray wife he hasn't nailed yet. Sees Seanez, says, "Didn't we dump your ass by the side of the road back in Cleveland?" See Tavarez, tells him the only good thing about being on the DL is not having to catch the game-ending abortions he calls pitches. Sees Papelbon, pats him on the head and says, "You're alright son, you're alright."
3:00 PM: Stops by the stands on the way back to the dugout, uses crutch to beat Happy Heckler to death. Looks around menacingly and says, "You're next, cowbell," to no one in particular.
4:00 PM: Johnson leaves game having staked a 6-1 lead. Tek beckons Johnson toward him with crutch, tells him he's proud of him. Johnson near tears, asks Tek if he can get him a pain pill or a glass of water or something. Tek declines.
4:30 PM: Timlin gives up a homerun to Navarro. Tek blames self.
4:40 PM: Papelbon gives up a homerun to Lee to tie the game. Tek blames self. But also that retard Corky, only a retard wouldn't have called for a splitter.
5:00 PM: Tavarez gives up a homerun to Norton. Tek blames Tavarez.
5:01 PM: Team files back into dugout, dejected. Tek glares at Tito, hits him over the head with crutch, says, "Somebody get me a wheelchair, I obviously have to go with you to Missouri."
5:02 PM: Tito holds out prescription pain medication. Tek declines. Tito says, "No, these are for me," dry-fists.