Wednesday, August 29, 2007

that said, i think mike barnicle would be an inspired choice

Say what you want about Clement -- who was signed after the Sox lost both Pedro Martínez and Derek Lowe -- but he's a professional pitcher (from here)

Actually what I want to say about Matt Clement is that he barely qualifies as a professional pitcher at this point. I think, given that he's being paid to be on the DL, he's a professional invalid. Someone get that boy a fainting couch. Another thing I want to say about Matt Clement is OH THANK GOD! he's available for the playoff roster. I mean, they'll probably use him to get Lester or the Mormon or someone on the roster, but some other article I can't find again totally implied that the Coffee Boy himself might be playing in the playoffs. Apparently that author was unaware that you can't pitch in playoff games if you're afraid of baseballs. Small technicality there.


I rant about Matt Clement in order to do something with the rage I've worked up watching this game. It's not quite as bad as last night's game, I guess, but still. Also, re: last night's game, kelly says that she thought there was no one she'd rather see homer less than Jeter and then Damon taught her differently (which, outside of teaching his children that cheating on their mother with a stripper was the best decision he ever made* is possibly the only thing the neanderthal has ever taught anyone). It reinforces the idea that Jeter has intangibles and that Damon isn't a broken man, because at least at this point she's come to accept ARod's homers the way you accept natural disasters. (...speaking of: FUCK! You know what shouldn't have happened? Beckett coming in for the 7th after 118 pitches. You'd think our bullpen was some box of lepers. Ugh.)

But back to tonight's game, two things about the telecast--

1. I love that Remy and DonO talked obsessively about Clemens' no-hitter. Jinx away, boys, jinx away.

2. It's sad that Remy has become the kind of announcer who gets really excited when he actually has something to say that's relevant to the game rather than just claptrap about RSN and the like. When he was analyzing the Varitek-Beckett botched play at first, he was SO enthusiastic it was like he was a different person.



Since the game continues to be abortion, some distractions for you in the form of audience participation:

a. Sometimes we play a game called "Who's your Dontrelle Willis?" where we name the players (usually pitchers) from other teams we secretly fantasize about having on the Sox. kelly's Dontrelle Willis is Eric Bedard (though sadly he was scratched from his next start due to an oblique injury). My Dontrelle Willis is usually Dontrelle Willis, but lately it's been Johan Santana (mmmm...firey!) So, kids, who's YOUR Dontrelle Willis?

b. kelly is worried that our tendency to call JD Drew "Nancy" and make cheap jokes about PMS when he takes his time off is a sign of our latent, socialized misogyny. Please weigh in with either your thoughts on our feminist dilemma or a cheap joke about Nancy's time of the month.

c. MIKE TIMLIN IS HOLDING HIS JACKET IN HIS TEETH. There's nothing for you to do there, just marvel.

d. Please provide your own rant about Matt Clement in either haiku, sonnet, or a foreign language.



*To protect me from the rage of Michelle Damon, she may not be a stripper, but he totally did say that she was his best decision in that stupid book about her.

8 Comments:

At 11:19 PM, Blogger Anne said...

I have two Dontrelle Willises - Jarrod Saltalamacchia (and not just because I want to hear Remy have to say it constantly, but hello, solid young catching!) and Jose Reyes - well, Reyes is a pipe dream, I'll settle for anyone-other-than-Lugo.

 
At 11:51 PM, Blogger kelly said...

oh, man, saltalamacchia was TOTALLY my dontrelle willis this past trade deadline. i would have killed babies to get him on this team.

 
At 11:55 PM, Anonymous Amy said...

I'll go for Justin Verlander as my Dontrelle Willis. All that fidgeting leads me to believe there's a psychotic break looming on the horizon, and that seems to fit in quite nicely in our rotation, not to mention the bullpen.

 
At 2:50 PM, Blogger k said...

My Dontrelle Willis is Papelbon. Cause, seriously, Todd Jones? TODD JONES?!!!?! Or possibly Okajima instead of fucking Grilli. (I have no idea on the spelling there.)

I think I exempt both of you from internalized misogyny with the Nancy stuff because y'all are both deeply ironic while doing it. Also, cuz I know you. Also, because the place where we all first met would make anyone hate women.

 
At 10:44 AM, Blogger jared said...

Miguel Cabrera is my Dontrelle Willis.

Meanwhile, you know Dontrelle is pretty horrible nowadays, right? I'd update the game name to "Who's Your Johan?"

 
At 10:47 AM, Blogger jared said...

As for Nancy Drew, I don't think it's latent misogyny. And if you get bored of the PMS jokes about his "injuries," toxic shock syndrome jokes work just as well.

 
At 11:45 AM, Anonymous katie said...

I realize that Dontrelle is horrible these days, which is why he's no longer my Dontrelle Willis, but you can't change the name game now-- it's traditional. Though, "Who's Your Johan?" is fun to say...

TSS is ALWAYS funny. Maybe when Nancy gets hurt and goes out for more than her usual few days we'll move on to the TSS.

 
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