phone calls from the ledgeThe state of things these days is that only one of us can bear to watch the game at any given time. It falls to the other one to call and narrate:
Katie: Papi is ill. At this point, I think we should replace everyone on the team with someone named Kason.
Kelly: [makes noises of pain] [is stoned] [refuses to leave bed]
Katie: Here's the batting order: All Your Crappy Center Fielders Are Belong to Us, Emergency Back-Up Everything, Loretta, Youk is batting cleanup, Half-Caf, Hinske, Javy, Pena but not the one who's good and Baby Dusty.
Kelly: Why is Youk in the outfield? Why isn't Kaplar playing?
Katie: No idea.
Kelly: Oh, well, they'd probably rather have Youk batting.
Katie: Right! Youk has to bat clean-up!
Kelly: [makes more noises of pain]
Katie: Coco's trying the time-tested lead-off bunt! [...] No, okay. He just struck out.
Katie: No, swinging, Coco doesn't know how to look.
Kelly: You have to turn this off. Where is Gonzo?
Katie: Hey, Manny and Gonzo are standing together. Manny is taking forever to eat a piece of gum. First he offered it to Gonzo, then he sniffed it, then he offered it to Gonzo again, then he put the whole thing in his mouth so he could take the wrapper off with his teeth, then he spat the whole thing into his hand, then he spat just for fun, then he put it in his mouth.
Kelly: I hope they showed that instead of Coco striking out swinging. Can we turn it off now?
Katie: No! I want to see Kason. [...] Oh, hey! Kason! He looks like a combination of Snyder and Beckett.
Katie: Okay, awesome, he just walked the first batter on a four-and-oh count. Javy's coming out. The whole infield's coming out. The umpire is coming out. Oh! Now the groundskeepers are coming out. I think there's something wrong with the mound. They're bringing out a shovel and some dirt.
Katie: I think the shovel and the dirt are going to pitch, actually.
Cspan: We brought them up from Pawtucket.
Kelly: Are we blogging this?
Kelly: Okay. I'm gonna post. I'm stopping with the thing about the shovel and the dirt because that's the money shot.
Katie: Add something about how Kason actually closed out the inning. Otherwise people will think this is a suicide note.