Monday, August 28, 2006

phone calls from the ledge

The state of things these days is that only one of us can bear to watch the game at any given time. It falls to the other one to call and narrate:

Katie: Papi is ill. At this point, I think we should replace everyone on the team with someone named Kason.

Kelly: [makes noises of pain] [is stoned] [refuses to leave bed]

Katie: Here's the batting order: All Your Crappy Center Fielders Are Belong to Us, Emergency Back-Up Everything, Loretta, Youk is batting cleanup, Half-Caf, Hinske, Javy, Pena but not the one who's good and Baby Dusty.

Kelly: Why is Youk in the outfield? Why isn't Kaplar playing?

Katie: No idea.

Kelly: Oh, well, they'd probably rather have Youk batting.

Katie: Right! Youk has to bat clean-up!

Kelly: [makes more noises of pain]

Katie: Coco's trying the time-tested lead-off bunt! [...] No, okay. He just struck out.

Kelly: Looking?

Katie: No, swinging, Coco doesn't know how to look.

Kelly: You have to turn this off. Where is Gonzo?

Katie: Hey, Manny and Gonzo are standing together. Manny is taking forever to eat a piece of gum. First he offered it to Gonzo, then he sniffed it, then he offered it to Gonzo again, then he put the whole thing in his mouth so he could take the wrapper off with his teeth, then he spat the whole thing into his hand, then he spat just for fun, then he put it in his mouth.

Kelly: I hope they showed that instead of Coco striking out swinging. Can we turn it off now?

Katie: No! I want to see Kason. [...] Oh, hey! Kason! He looks like a combination of Snyder and Beckett.

Cspan: Sneckett!

Katie: Okay, awesome, he just walked the first batter on a four-and-oh count. Javy's coming out. The whole infield's coming out. The umpire is coming out. Oh! Now the groundskeepers are coming out. I think there's something wrong with the mound. They're bringing out a shovel and some dirt.

Kelly: ...

Katie: I think the shovel and the dirt are going to pitch, actually.

Cspan: We brought them up from Pawtucket.

Kelly: Are we blogging this?


Kelly: Okay. I'm gonna post. I'm stopping with the thing about the shovel and the dirt because that's the money shot.

Katie: Add something about how Kason actually closed out the inning. Otherwise people will think this is a suicide note.


At 9:37 AM, Blogger Kristen said...

::rocks back and forth in the fetal position::

Can we watch the rest of this alleged "season" with whisky and guns?

At 10:00 AM, Blogger always thinking about papelbon said...

Hopefully Katie will show up at some point today and explain to you her theory about how all guys are made hotter by the addition of a gun and a beer. I feel that could really help.

At 10:40 AM, Blogger always thinking about papelbon said...

Well, I can explain it, but it's pretty self-explanatory: all guys are hotter with the addition of a gun and a beer. I have a guys-drinking-things thing, so beer. And guns, while violent and destructive and something I am, politically generally opposed to, are hot. Especially + beer because it's very, "I hold your life in my hands and, frankly, I don't care enough to not get drunk."

I don't know, man. I'm just saying, someone should give Javy a gun and a beer and see what happens. It's not like he's using those hands to catch.

At 12:22 PM, Blogger Kristen said...

I am all for this. I am on board.

Can someone ask Timlin to borrow one of his guns? I nominate Matt Clement for this potentially dangerous task.

I'll bring the beer.

At 12:51 PM, Blogger always thinking about papelbon said...

As a rule, I nominate Matt Clement for all potentially dangerous tasks. I have some very high windows that need some washing, actually-- if I promise not to throw any balls at his face, think he'll do it?

At 4:22 PM, Anonymous Martha said...

Laughing out loud at my desk is not a way to keep a good office rep, THANKS, GUYS.

At 5:37 PM, Blogger always thinking about papelbon said...

I didn't realize we were supposed to be helping you keep a good office rep. We'll work on that.

Also, I'm thrilled to note we're your 4:30 blog. I see how it is.

At 2:30 PM, Blogger Jefe said...


I'm also for the guns. And beer, of course.

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