Friday, August 18, 2006

i was really into slayer one summer

Red Sox/Yankees Double Header Running Diary, Part I: All Organic Edition

12:00 PM: Organic hot dogs, organic hot dog buns, organic ketchup. Somebody stopped at Whole Foods on the way over!

12:30 PM: Tina Cervasio is on screen, twitching uncontrollably and smiling off into space. We decide that she must be replaced, by a parrot or Katie or the monkey who threw out the pitch on Wednesday or something. All you really need to do Tina's job is a bad hair cut and a crush on Mark Loretta. The helper monkey could really do a bang-up job, but he appears to have a crush on Craig Hansen.

1:00 PM: We decide that Jason Johnson at least looks like he should be a good pitcher, in that he is young, tall and ugly.

1:12 PM: If you're getting paid, you better run into the wall, Coco.

1:16 PM: Note to Jason Johnson: Throwing the ball badly isn't your only job, you should also at least try to field badly.

1:22 PM: Briefly soothed by a litany of abysmal stats about A.Rod. DonO and Remy have to make like auctioneers just to get them all in.

1:36 PM: Hey! Youk's growing a soul patch!

1:45 PM: Resisting the urge to make fun of the kids with cancer is gonna be a day-long battle, I can feel it.

1:47 PM: Mike Lowell (aka Half-Caf) makes a beautiful little hop skip and a jump catch into the Yankees dugout. God, he is such a fucking bad-ass.

2:00 PM: Katie: "I just realized he [Gonzo] has Johnny's number. Gotta mean something, right?" She also thought that Johnson's ERA matching her birthday meant something, so.

2:01 PM: We don't know why Corey Lidle is on bereavement leave. Maybe he wanted to fit in so he killed somebody with his pool?

2:08 PM: Re: Giambi. "How is he that sweaty? He's the DH! He just sits in the dugout between innings!" "Maybe he lowers himself into a vat of ... juice?"

2:14 PM: Loretta goes for two! Tina Cervasio knows how to pick 'em.

2:48 PM: No one is particularly happy for the traitor when he gets back into the dugout after his homer. And you can kind of see Johnny looking around and being like, "Why doesn't anyone care?" Because you signed with a team with no soul, that's why.

2:58 PM: Katie: "Robinson Cano officially wins this year's 'Yankee I would sleep with if someone was going to shoot me if I didn't sleep with a Yankee' Award."

2:59 PM: Katie: "Posada perpetually wins the 'Yankee I would make have sex with a cow if I could make someone have sex with a cow' Award. But that would be mean to the cow."

3:00 PM: The verdict on Jason Johnson: He didn't actually do that badly, there's no need for him to look like he's going to attempt to overdose on his insulin pump. Also, TITO SHOULD HAVE TAKEN HIM OUT TWO BASE HITS EARLIER.

3:08 PM: DonO calls Manny's solo shot a "one-handed home run." Um. What?

3:13 PM: Hinske for the home-run robbing catch! Hinske, okay, you can stay.

3:14 PM: Mike Lowell is wearing eye-block and sun glasses. Is it possible that by both absorbing and blocking the light, he is creating a vortex of darkness inside his eyes? Yeah, physics. I don't know, I'm kind of drunk.

3:20 PM: Tek! On the first step, talking to Dougie! Or, perhaps, trying his hardest to ignore Dougie? Hard to tell.

3:27 PM: Skendarian Apocathary: they let the babies make the drugs or the drugs are made out of babies?

3:30 PM: Katie: "I was a big fan of Snyder back when he was in Alice in Chains." Kelly: "I was really into Slayer one summer."

3:41 PM: Dunkin' Donuts song vid stretches out the Manny home run because it's the only good thing that's happened thus far in the game.

3:43 PM: Okay, so, we know that Synder tends to combust after thirty pitches, great. Does Tito realize this? Is he, you know, awake out there?

3:56 PM: How did it take us this long to notice this is the game between two pitchers whose names are euphemisms for 'pensis'?

4:09 PM: Giambi's fourth appearance, we figure out that what they're yelling every time he comes up to bat is "Baaaaalcoooooo! Baaaaaalcoooo!"

4:35 PM: Rudy loads the bases with no outs. I don't care that we're down by five, Tito, Rudy doesn't pitch here anymore.

4:36 PM: Damon drives in two more to make it 10-3, game takes let's-just-stop-now-so-we-can-rest-up-for-tonight feel.

4:39 PM: Wherever today's #1 Giambi fan is, he is right next to a mike. Now he's shouting about HGHGiambi.

4:44 PM: For Katie's brother's t-shirt empire:



4:48 PM: Rudy walks in his second run! Did Tito just leave the dugout? Did he just give up and leave? Nice job, Tito. Bet everyone on the field wishes they could do the same.

5:05 PM: Final score: 12-4. Total game time: 3 hours, 55 minutes. Apparently the pre-game show for tonight's game starts in less than an hour and a half. Does someone have a beer bottle I could break over my head?

8 Comments:

At 9:04 PM, Anonymous Beth said...

My god. You make me want to shut down my blog, because I will never, ever come CLOSE to writing a post this glorious.

Also, btw? Jo(h?)n Lester sucks at life.

 
At 1:38 PM, Blogger Kristen said...

Here is what: I am glad you didn't recap the second game. Because I was there, and I will tell you that I felt as if we were being held hostage by motherfucking ballplayers in a motherfucking ballpark. AND IT SUCKED MIGHTILY.

However, we did come up with a new personal slogan for Doug Mirabelli: "If you can't be aerodynamic, be symmetrical." Because Dougie? Is perfectly square-shaped.

 
At 1:54 PM, Blogger always thinking about papelbon said...

yeah, we decided that because we recapped the first game and lost, it would be good luck to not recap the second game and LOOK HOW MUCH IT HELPED. i felt like i was being held hostage and i was just sitting in katie's apartment, i cannot imagine what it would have been like to be at fenway, i might have died.

 
At 7:22 PM, Blogger Sam said...

//"Robinson Cano officially wins this year's 'Yankee I would sleep with if someone was going to shoot me if I didn't sleep with a Yankee' Award."//

Nuh uh, gotta be Moose. Or Kyle Farnsworth, but only if you could like douse him in rubbing alcohol beforehand or something, because that shit ain't clean.

 
At 4:24 PM, Blogger always thinking about papelbon said...

I think Mussina's won the award 2 years running now. He's starting to bore me. And Cano's a bit more my type. Plus, newer, maybe less tainted.

Seriously, there's not enough alcohol in the world for Farnsworth.

 
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