papelbon might not even be on the team anymore at this pointI'm afraid of my doorbell now. No, see, everytime it rings, I have a panic attack because I'm afraid that Julian Tavarez, full-time busdriver, part-time Sox reliever will be standing there. I'll open the door, eyes squinted half-shut and there it'll be-- Tavarez's I'm-definitely-a-Stephen-King-villian face staring back at me, ready to collect. Because when he came in last night we were talking about how I would sleep with Robinson Cano if I had to sleep with a Yankee at gunpoint. And I noted that I would not sleep with the Bus Driver at gunpoint. But then. Then I said, "actually, if you can just get us through three clean innings, dude, I'd sleep with you sans gun." Kelly added that she would too.
And then. He did it. So now I'm spending my days worried that he might show up to collect the blood debt. Because maybe he doesn't get a lot of offers. Maybe it'll get back to him. Frankly, I wouldn't put it past the PM to send him an email with my address in it. So if you're looking for me, be sure to call first because I won't be answering the door for a while.
As you may have noticed, yesterday's post was a "Part I." Well, after that game, we couldn't deal with a Part II. So here's the highlights version:
On Crab being taken out after 3 2/3 innings of work: "But I DON'T WANNA go to sleep. I'm NOT tired...No, I don't LIKE my Spidey 'jamas anymore. I WANNA PITCH! Daddy Tek woulda let me stay out and play."
The way Jeter hops from one side of the plate to the other when he doesn't hit the ball makes it IMPOSSIBLE not to look at his butt. And after having to see his butt many, many times yesterday-- I think the guy's had a butt lift. And I sort of think that when he's in the clubhouse he wanders around without his towel and everyone hates it, but they tolerate it because, you know, Jeets, but they totally turn to each other behind his back and mouth "I paid A LOT of money for this ASS and I will SHOW IT OFF if I want to."
During the Hansen inning of death, we noticed how silly Dougie looks while calling pitches-- I don't think Tek ever looks quite that way. It was ultimately decided that while everyone thinks he's calling pitches, what he's mostly doing is singing "The Macarena" (and no, I don't feel bad for getting that in your heads, so don't bother asking).
To sum up, any night you can say that Julian Tavarez was the best pitcher on the team, that's the kind of night you have to consider just maybe packing it all in.
Today's not shaping up so well, but at least I got to hear the five most beautiful words in the English language: Rudy Seanez designated for assignment.