can josh beckett just pitch all the games? i hear he likes pitching on short rest...ALDS Game 1? Check. My boyfriend, the newly-minted Sox ace? Check. 18-pack of High Life for 10 bucks? Check. Live blog? Obvs.
Item 1: Who the hell are these people calling the game? Jerry and DonO are crazy and Buck and McCarver are the devil's handmaidens, but at least we know what's coming. This bug-eyed freak and his boring friend are unknown quantities.
Item 2: Beckett may have trimmed the chin pubes. This would seem to be a good thing, but is it possible that without the disgusting facial hair you'd just notice that he has no chin? Hmmmm...
Item 3: kelly is so anxious about this game that we anticipate a heart attack before it's over. In lieu of cards or flowers, please send donations to the NDRaPRSFftEMRSoML. Oh, speaking of god's chosen third baseman, kelly reports that at the rally while the reanimated corpse of John Henry was blathering on about whatever, the crowd started chanting "Sign Lowell!" A.mAz.ING
Item 4: It's possible that Anderson's conjuctivitis is kelly's karmic reward for suffering from chronic corneal ulcers for the last three years. If she says so...
[Highlife update = katie .25, kelly 1
Game update = 1 H, 1 SO, 1 stolen base, 1 year off kelly's life]
Item 5: Youk says, "Slump? What motherfucking slump?"
Item 6: The phrase "against the shift" is 15% as satisfying as "walked in a run" the most satisfying thing in all of baseball. (The only thing more satisfying in all of sports, btw, is "safety!" in football because it's totally the MOST HUMILIATING way to score EVER!)
Item 7: "Gotta polish the helmets" -- seriously? These people are terrifying. Are they Mormon? (No offense, Jacoby.)
[Highlife update = katie .5, kelly 1.9
Game update = 1 run, 1 time Lowell looked like he was going to kill a bitch]
[Highlife update = katie .75, kelly 2
Game update = awesome 4-out half inning! ugh]
Item 8: Note to Dane Cook, there is in fact more than one October. One comes around EVERY year. Also, that new movie with Jessica Alba? TERRIBLE IDEA.
[Highlife update = katie 1, kelly 2 (we got pizza, she had to pause. also, she started to feel like a drunk. though, katie is the one who just said "wow, I was really drunk last night..." so.)
Game update = score Sox 1, Angels 0; umps 2, Sox 0]
Item 9: Two things about these announcers. One, we kind of wish they'd try to sell us something, just for a sign of life and two, we're pretty sure they're NL whores who think the DH is the devil's work. It's nothing they've said per se, but just an overall calmness that we find unsettling.
[Highlife update = katie 1.5, kelly 2.5
Game update = Joshua Fucking Beckett is a BADASS and kelly's not allowed to use the remote.]
Item 10: "Pedroia will you fucking take a fucking pitch already?!?" Note to self, kelly turns on those she loves damn quick. Although, really, 3 pitches in 2 at bats? Seriously?
Item 11: We're pretty sure that Manny's base-running is "underrated" because it's generally nonexistent. But, you know, whatever.
Item 12: One of my favorite Sox stories of late is the ongoing shuffle between Lowell and Papi as the RBI leader. We start fresh tonight and so far it's Papi 2, Lowell 1. Sweet.
Item 13: Apparently my nemesis, Bill Simmons, wants to write a book called "Caught Looking: My 100 Least Favorite JD Drew Strikeouts." I'll admit, this is funny. But really, I think we need a companion volume called "2 for 1: the 100 Worst Situations in Which JD Drew Ground Into a Double Play."
[Highlife update: katie 1.75, kelly "safely through" 3
Game update: In case you forgot, in October, David Ortiz fucks your mother and steals your lunch money.]
[Highlife update: katie 1.9, kelly 3.2
Game update: Did anyone notice that Beckett's a pitcher not a thrower this season?]
Item 14: Can we just all take a moment to admire Tek's playoff beard? Conveniently, it's awfully easy to do because it's right in line with that chin-high fastball that Tek is definitely going to swing at... And, he does. At least the beard is nice.
[Highlife update: katie 2, kelly 3.5
Game update: whatever.]
Item 15: Why does their sideline reporter look like he's lip syncing? Is it just because we're so used to the amazingly overwhelming size of the Cavernous Maw?
[Highlife update: katie 2, kelly 3.6
Game update: oh my god, josh beckett. oh. my. god.]
Item 16: Okay, "amenities of contemporary life?" That dissertation on advertising? Forget Mormon or National League devotees (very similar, btw), I'm thinking these guys are fucking Amish.
Item 17: kelly says, "Josh Beckett may be from Texas, but John Lackey is from TEXAS." She also keeps using the phrase "SPED," so draw your own conclusions about what she means there.
[Highlife update: katie still 2, kelly 4
Game update: lackey has thrown slightly less than the 826 pitches kelly thinks he has, but really, not by much.]
Item 18: "You can take the first pitch if you want, but it's just going to be strike one." In which the Amish-Mormon-NL announcers win us over in one fell swoop.
[Highlife update: katie 3.1, kelly 4.1
Game update: josh beckett could show up at my house, hit me with a pitch, make me say I love Julio Lugo and steal my favorite sneakers and I would STILL LOVE HIM.]
Item 19: A show I would watch-- ALL OF JOSH BECKETT'S STRIKE OUTS IN SLOW-MO. Also, Cal Ripken is funny-- who knew?
Item 20: HEY, Stephen King!
Item 21: Text message received from katie's brother: "JOSH" In-fucking-deed.
[Highlife update: katie 3.5, kelly 4.4
Game update: I'm actually not sure I can watch unless Josh Beckett's on screen.]
Item 22: We really want the Indians to shell the fuck out of the Yankees. I mean, we REALLY want it.
Item 23: Every time Tek calls a pitch, Beckett sort of laughs like, "are you sure you don't want me to throw it behind my back or something? make it challenging?" It sort of makes me giddy.
Item 24: That bug-eyed freak's eyes are WAY scarier after 3 to 4 beers. For real.
[Highlife update: katie 3.75, kelly "safely through" 5 (I don't know why she keeps saying "safely through," but whatever)
Game update: 7. Shut-out. Innings. BITCHES.]
[Highlife update: katie 4, kelly 5.5
Game update: Did anything happen? We spent most of that half inning wondering whether Beckett will come out for the 8. WHY HAS NO ONE TOLD US WHAT HIS PITCH COUNT IS?!!?]
Item 25: Oh THERE he is. Out, motherfucker!
Item 26: "collage of futility" = brilliant. Maybe these weird guys have better stuff than meets the eye.
Item 27: "AGon would have had that" makes an unpleasant return to our lexicon. Fucking Julio Lugo needs a good beating. Too bad the best person to administer such a thing is JULIO LUGO.
Item 28: katie says, "I still hate Lugo." kelly says, "that's right you do. no, no, I do too. no, wait, they did the best they can. really."
[Highlife update: katie holding at 4, kelly "safely through" 6
Game update: josh beckett's sadistic domination of the los angeles angels of anaheim comes to a beautiful end.]
[Highlife update: same as before, mostly
Game update: also the same.]
Item 29: JOSH BECKETT IS IN FOR THE NINTH. JOSH BECKETT. PITCHING THE NINTH. THAT IS SO HOT.
Item 30: Dear Cy Young voters, Just in case you didn't vote for me, I wanted to drop you a little line to tell you about this shutout complete game I pitched to open the playoffs. Dane Cook tells me there's only one October and even though he's a douchebag, I thought I'd bring my A game. It's too bad you cast the wrong fucking vote. Bitches. Much motherfucking love, Josh Beckett, Red Sox ace.
[Highlife update: katie 4.5, kelly 6.5
Game update: I don't really know what else I can say about Josh Beckett, but. You know, he's kind of awesome.]
If anyone in Los Angeles or Anaheim cared about baseball, they'd be crying right now. That was awesome.