Thursday, February 14, 2008

when i wished someone at work "happy pitchers and catchers day" they thought i was being untoward

Even though we've already enjoyed several days of Craig Hansen's medical history, Dice-K's mullet and Josh Beckett seeming disinterest in speaking with the press and tendency to take awkward photographs, technically today is the day that Red Sox pitchers and catchers must report to Ft. Myers. To celebrate, have eight predictions for the 2008 baseball season:

1. Curt Schilling reveals on his blog that the shoulder surgery drama was an effort to void his Sox contract in order to accept his rightful place as John McCain's running mate.

2. Inspired by the success of Dice-K's translator, Bud Selig forces the Sox to hire a translator for Josh Beckett in order to render his expletive-laden press conferences into printable material.

3. Roger Clemens begins lobbying for gay marriage so he can marry Andy Pettite and prevent him from testifying against Clemens in any future trials.

4. America, meet the first Native American Mormon star of The Bachelor: Jacoby Ellsbury!!

5. Jonathan Papelbon spends 15 days on the DL with ballet class related injury. He claims he was just trying to give the people what they want.

6. Jed Lowrie is caught storing miscellaneous personal items in Julio Lugo's locker.

7. Jack Epstein bats .287/.400/.405 in Single A Greenville.

8. Over the course of the season Julian Tavarez holds positions as starting pitcher, relief pitcher, official spokesman for Manny, Fenway Frank vendor, temporary replacement for Tina Cervasio, and John Farrell's personal barber. He tells the media, he just wants to help out.


Welcome back, everyone!


At 2:12 AM, Anonymous Twinkie said...

Dear Baseball,

It's about freakin' time!


Also, everything about your post is made of win. I almost spit naan all over the screen.

At 9:46 AM, Blogger Kristen said...

This is untoward! This is not toward!

#1 is absolutely true and completely terrifying.

At 1:39 PM, Anonymous katie said...

it's totally about time!

and the only thing I can think of to support mccain is that I think he probably believes in evolution? maybe? eh.

At 3:55 PM, Blogger kelly said...

Are you implying that Schill probably believes in evolution? That might be stretching it.

At 5:12 PM, Blogger Katiee said...

so you're predictions are basically all HILARIOUS

At 1:51 AM, Anonymous Lindsay said...

1 and 8, by far the best ones.
Especially number one. so true.

At 11:51 AM, Anonymous Liza said...

Where have you been all winter? This post cracked me up!

Also, the only thing I find unlikely on this wonderful list is #3--if he lobbied for gay marriage, he'd lose the support of the half of Congress that actually believed him.

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