Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The Very Secret Off-Season Diaries of Theo Epstein

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

7:12a: Woke up, consulted Magic Eight Ball, asked, "Should I make an offer that will actually get the Santana deal done today?" and for the sixty-second day in a row, Magic Eight Ball said, "Ask again later." Will try again tomorrow.

9:02a: Just deleted 6 e-mails from Schill, with subject lines reading "Thought You Might Appreciate Some Advice on How to Sign a Free Agent Pitcher, Part I - Part VI." Arranged to have his e-mail address bombarded with diet pill spam.

10:17a: Guitar Hero break.

12:24p: Phone rang during lunch, saw it was Manny, palms immediately started sweating. Still worried that, eventually, the number that hypnotist did on him is going to wear off and he'll realize we never sent him to the Mets, he still plays for the Red Sox and then he'll start demanding a trade every other Wednesday. Fortunately, Manny just wanted to say he LOVES Santana. But then he started singing that Matchbox 20 song. Maybe he was confused. Good old Manny.

12:47p: Take Giants and points in the Super Bowl. Rule #1: Root for the home team, but don't be a freakin' idiot.

2:56p: Text message from Beckett, read, "Just execute trade agreements. Just throw fucking strikes." Wondered for 1,909th time if Beckett would have beaten me up and taken my lunch money if we'd gone to junior high together.

3:01p: Bill Smith called, claimed is asking for "final offer" (heard that one before). Asked Magic Eight Ball if should make deal, Magic Eight Ball said, "Signs point to no." Shrugged, told Bill to enjoy Philip Humber's reconstructed elbow.

4:00p: Guitar Hero break. Continued attempts to master Metallica's "One" unsuccessful, may need to bring in conditioning coach.

6:00p: Received FedEx package, appeared to a Denny's paper placemat with "BURIED TREASURE MAP" written on the back in purple crayon and a rendering of a baseball with a bite mark near the spot of the X. Considered telling Pap he really needs to get a hobby or something, just as long as it's not more river dancing.

8:30p: Worked on off-season regimen with newborn son. Plan to have him walking by spring training, may need to have him start the season in the minors.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

happy manning face elimination day!

Bummed about that loss? Wish you were going to the AFC Championship Game next week? Look, I'm gonna be honest. Last year appears to have been the exception that proves the rule. You choke in big games. If I were you, I'd start figuring out some kind of hobby that'll keep you busy every February.

(Yeah, yeah, we've been dormant as Mike Timlin -- what, you think he doesn't hibernate with bears during the winter months? -- for the last little while, which is owed to the fact that Patriots undefeated season in progress is giving me an ulcer and this so-called hot stove season has been pretty lukewarm. Hopefully we've have a grab bag of catch-up thoughts soon, including our "Don't Let a Ball Hit You in the Face on Your Way Out" farewell to Matt Clement, the "You Can't Be Missed If You Never Go Away" welcome back to Doug Mirabelli" and hedged bets on who will claim to have killed more woodland creatures with their bare hands when they report to Spring Training, Josh Beckett or Jonathan Papelbon.)