Tuesday, May 13, 2008

strange things are afoot at the circle k

Tonight, I did what I oh-so-frequently do on Tuesday nights, which is drink whiskey and watch the Red Sox try and set the world record for runners stranded in scoring position. The game -- let's not talk about it. If Coco Crisp decided that he couldn't take it anymore and got sick to his stomach, can the viewer be blamed for doing the same? So the Red Sox lost, and that was garbage, but then a weird thing happened. I was taking schadenfreude in Marino Rivera giving up a walk-off win in Tampa Bay, but then the Rays knocked the Red Sox out of first place in the AL East. I know it's only May 13, but seriously. Up is down? War is peace? Freedom is slavery? What the hell is going on?

In other news, the release of Julian Tavarez (RIP Batshit) contributes to my suspicion that David Aardsma is going to be around for the duration. I know three things about David Aardsma: 1) He walks more batters than I would prefer. 2) Alphabetically, he is the first player listed in the Baseball Encyclopedia. 3) He rocks the stirrups. I haven't gone out of my way to learn anything else about him because he had the look of a Joel Pineiro 2.0 about him; he would stink up the joint for the Sox until he was finally DFA'd and then he would go be an All Star for the St. Louis Cardinals. But now it appears that Aardsma (or as Remy would say, Aardsmer), is going to stick around, here are three more things I have learned:

1) His sister is a former Miss Colorado Teen USA
2) He is developing a reputation among his teammates as a ruthless Go Fish champion.
3) When he pitched for the Cubs, their fans decided that to "aardsma" someone was to dry shave their testicles.

Yeah, I made one of those things up. Obviously we'll only really know if Aardsma is being accepted in the clubhouse if Papelbon decides to teach him craps.

times like these

kelly called yesterday to tell me that my beloved carnie king had been designated for assignment. she thought it was important I hear it from a friend, and she was right. I've been pretty focused on basketball and other trivial things lately, but it's losing someone like this that really make you focus and take stock. I just hope he ends up in a better place. I hear Colorado's sort of like heaven...


in other depressing news, the thing with papelbon is that we love him. obviously. but sometimes, you have to have words with those you love. and I think the time has come to suggest that perhaps our boy consider taking a quick break from working on his folk-hero image and doing dunkin' donuts ads and work on executing pitches.

I mean, julio lugo, I know. trust me, I know. but really? last time I checked jonathan papelbon didn't need to depend on julio lugo for his saves. he knows better than that.

so come on, show us all that that was just a fluke, paps.

Thursday, May 08, 2008


Fr: Katie
To: Kelly
Sent: 1:08AM Thu, May 8
We're putting a hit out on Julio Lugo. You in?

(Yeah, yeah, I know, many good things have happened since we last spoke. Youk hit about 86 home runs, and Kevin Cash had a three hit night, and Mike Lowell is back from the dead and and Wake pitched a two-hit shut-out for eight innings and Manny and Papi went back to back for the first time in almost two years but Julio Lugo has a way of sucking all the joy out of the universe like an error-committing black hole.)

(Kelly: I posted your text message.

Katie: You can't do that, then they'll know it was us!

Kelly: I don't think we're the only people in the city of Boston who are in the process of trying to put a hit out in Julio Lugo.

Katie: That would be the hardest case to solve ever.)