Wednesday, October 31, 2007

confetti was stuck in my hair all day

So, just so we're all clear, I know that there was a series of important games and we won something and all that. And some people are under the impression that the parade/rolling rally/whatever is about that. But, for me? That parade will always be known as the Parade to Celebrate the Day That Matt Clement Declared Free Agency. The only thing that was missing was a boat where someone was throwing baseballs at Clement.

And now, the photos:

Of all my (MANY MANY MANY-- I am unashamed to admit that I totally chased Beckett's boat from Mass Ave down to the library before stopping to just watch the rest of the boats. it's a rare day that you can cover your stalker instincts with "celebration") photos of my boyfriend, Josh Beckett, this is the one where he looks the least bored. I'm not saying he's bored with winning or anything, he just thinks we're all stupid and he'd really like to get home and start planning all the things he's going to make John Lester kill during Beckett's Boot Camp.

Trophy. Coaches. Awesome.

I'm sad that the other pic I have of DiceK is so fuzzy because this is just before he smiled with the most adorable and giant smile every. I know he's shaky, but he's so CUTE!

Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that this guy has two World Series rings here? Bring on the chicken parm.

Practically like a live person!

Did anyone see Theo's postgame interviews where he went on and on about "trusting the process?" If so, do any of you think he's maybe been reading The Secret? It's just a little cultish, you know. Also, both kelly and I, at different locations along the route (we work very far apart! so sad) saw the same scenario unfold: Theo's boat rolls along, Theo smiles, waves, creatively visualizes his own awesomeness, etc. Then, the parade pauses. And some delightful member of NDRaPRSFftEMRSoML starts a "Resign Lo-well!" chant. Theo slowly realizes the boat isn't going to move and the chant's not going to stop, no matter how creatively he visualizes and looks more and more uncomfortable until finally something in the lower part of his boat necessitates his immediate attention. BRILLIANT.

Speaking of the MVP. And Lugo. I have nothing bad to say about Lugo right now. Huh.

Manny is going to be on The Tonight Show tomorrow. Manny. On a talk show. Oh, someone up there really really loves us. And the Backstreet Boys are going to be on too! I hear they're looking for a fifth member and they're a group that "coined" the word "tragical." So.

Pride of Hyde Park. Oh MDC, why you so fly?

Warrior man. Amazing.

I'm not far away, he's just that tiny.

I have never found Youk as close to good looking as in this photo. Weird.

This is kind of far away, but I love Tito's smile here. He didn't rock back and forth even once during the parade!

This isn't the best pic I got of Timlin, but come on, he's DANCING. With his kids. I know my favorite version of Timlin is the one that fucks your wife just 'cause he can, but seriously, rocking out with kids Timlin might be almost as good.

Sadly, I didn't actually get any good pics of the blog-sake (the bit of his face in the one above is the best), because I was on the wrong side of the flatbed, but I did see him a little. He seemed out of his mind. Which is how I like it.

Monday, October 29, 2007

even the reanimated corpse of john henry is smiling tonight

There's lots to say, about WORLD SERIES MVP MIKEY LOWELL, and the Jon Lester storybook ending, and the many years of my life I lost in the eighth inning, and the B train I took home, which was full of drunk college kids who alternated between chanting "Let's go Red Sox!" and "Ex-press to Ken-more!" so loudly that the train shook, but for now: Jonathan Papelbon strikes out Seth Smith to end the game, pick up the save and win the World Series. Could you have scripted it any better if you'd tried?

Sunday, October 28, 2007

any day now, mike piazza is going to have a press conference to tell us he's never worn one of those rockies purple vest uniforms

Dice-K's two-out, two RBI scoring double in the third reminded me of the JD Drew grand slam in the first inning of Game 6 during the ALCS -- both exemplified everything that's weird and wonderful about sports in general and baseball in specific. You watch a team for 162 games and get to the point where you think you know what's going to happen before it happens. But you don't. You never, ever know what's going to happen.

Other assortables:

* We watched the first five innings of this one at Common Ground in Allston, and I never thought I would have a happier moment at that bar than when I saw the Tony Romo fumbled snap there last winter, but the third inning of last night's game actually surpassed it.

* In the first inning, Tim McCarver said that the reason Tito had to keep Papi in the lineup was this exact situation, "two out and nobody on" and Joe Buck didn't even bother to correct him.

* The bullpen band looked lost without their usual assortment of percussive surfaces.

* It's hilarious that Aaron Cook has been out with an oblique injury since August, given that certain Manny detractors flipped their shit when he was slow to come back from an oblique injury in September. Dude, at least Manny was ready for the division series.

* Julio Lugo made two potentially game-saving defensive plays. Um.

* Thanks to those who pointed out that NDRaPRSFftEMRSoML may be gaining steam with the front office. Mikey just had to keep piling it on, though, with two great "Eff You" moments last night, the "eff you for walking Manny to get to me" hit straight up the middle in the third and the "eff you for thinking that I run so slowly that glaciers melt while I'm on the basepaths, you're not necessarily wrong, but my eyebrows have more hits than three of your guys, so I think I'll steal third anyway" stolen base in the top of the ninth.

* Jacoby Ellsbury and Dustin Pedroia = the Pedbury show? The Ellsroia show? Hmm, needs work ....

Friday, October 26, 2007

all hail the all-singing, all-dancing black pearl bullpen band

No joke, right around the time Papelbon picked of Matt Holliday to end the eighth, I started to think that maybe he could walk on water. Seriously, who but Papelbon would notch his first major league pick-off move in Game 2 of the World Series? WHO DOES THAT? I kept asking Katie why Fox couldn't give us a shot of his reaction when they showed the replay of the pick-off over and over, and she said, "He probably did something obscene that they can't show on television."

The Papajima Show Is:
A) A children's puppet show put on by Emerson students on acid
B) A pajama party where everyone drinks Zima
C) 3 and 2/3 innings, no runs, one hit, six strikeouts

(Also, how charmingly appropriate is it that, with his appearance in Game 2, Okajima, not Daisuke Matsuzaka, will go into the books as the first Japanese pitcher to ever appear in the World Series?)

So, Red Sox said, "Fine, you want us to beat you National League style? Bring it." For their next trick, they will kick ass with one hand tied behind their backs. Or, uh, without a DH. Same difference, right? Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think this team just won five games in a row for the first time in 2007. Hyperbole does not exist to describe how timely this winning streak appears to be.

(And also, with regard to last night: Mike Lowell would like to remind you there is no such thing as supporters and non-supporters of NDRaPRSFftEMRSoML, just supporters and future supporters. Check it.)

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

buck and mccarver's reign of terror continues

kelly: remember when we watched opening day and I said I didn't know about this season?
katie: um. remember when we watched a random game three weeks ago and you said you didn't know about this season?
kelly: oh. yeah.

Another Game 1, more Highlife, more blogging. Here we go.

1. TC says: There's only one October, haven't you heard?
Heh. Oh, TC.

2. Please to note, I hate Jeanne Zelasky (or however you spell it), but for real, Eric Byrnes clearly has NO self-respect. She got off like 5 insults about him. And the "I don't want to get booed out of another city" comment? Seriously, Byrnes, grow a pair and maybe your team wouldn't get swept in the NLCS.

3. kelly doesn't want you to know this, but she and Buck and McCarver actually have all the same opinions. It's terrifying to witness this, but completely true.

4. "Hi, Colorado. Just in case you had forgotten over the last 8 days, that's what live pitching looks like. And just in case you weren't sure, I, Josh Beckett, would like to let you know that I am going to kick your ass."

4a. Text rec'd from katie's brother: "My name is Josh Beckett. You killed my father. Prepared to die." Indeed.

5. "Hi, hi, hi Colorado! I'm Dustin-- no, down here! I'm Dustin Pedroia and I too am going to kick your ass."

6. Why does the font they're using look like they're a trophy company from Worcester? Is this NESN?

7. kelly: Where was the infield on that play?
katie: Oh, they're still off. They wanted a 9th day. You know, they had all those inter-squad games; they're very tired.

8. kelly: It's raining harder now. That makes me nervous.
katie: Is there anything that doesn't make you nervous?
kelly: That homerun didn't make me nervous. ...Actually, it did. Because now the streak is on the line.
katie: So the answer is no?
kelly: Yeah.

9. I'm sorry, Joe Buck, but it wasn't a "blister situation," it was an avulsion. But, I suppose you don't remember these kinds of things if they're not sponsored by MasterCard.

10. "Hi Colorado, I'm Kevin Youkilis and I am VERY speedy, okay? You make sure and let Dustin Pedroia know just how speedy I am."

11. Fox airs Beckett songvid to "This Is Why I'm Hot" without realizing they are airing footage directly from katie's brain.

12. Buck: Julio Lugo shows Yorvit To-re-yaba [or whatever] [ed note: katie doesn't like the national league, she doesn't know their names, and she doesn't care to learn. it's like how you shouldn't name that "pet" turkey your family buys three weeks before Thanksgiving] what he can do.
kelly: He does not. As much as it pains me to admit it, Julio Lugo can't do anything that the Rockies' shortstop can do. Let's watch a highlight video of Julio Lugo this season--
katie: Let's not.
kelly: Julio Lugo blows Schilling's perfect game! Julio Lugo sucks! Julio Lugo fails to turn more double plays than I can count! Julio Lugo fails to catch a routine pop-up in Game 7 of the ALCS! Etcet, etcet, etcet.

13. It's probably wrong to say this, but. We're a little bored. We're pretty sure Matt Cassell is going to come in to pitch the 6th.

14. Okay, that was a pretty clever promo tag by Fox-- the "Audition for the Next Great American Band" under the Sox Bullpen Percussion Orchestra.

15. Balk + walked in run = BEST EVER!

16. Are the two Manning fans in that Dick's ad having a rivalry about which one of them is more of a jack-ass?

17. Coco Crisp explains the Taco Bell promo to Royce Clayton = BEST SOUNDS OF THE GAME EVER. Can we just listen to them talk for the rest of the game? I'm sure Joe and Tim would appreciate the time off.

18. I'm pretty sure that showing the Buckner ball is not a GIFT of any kind. I mean, I know we all forgave Buckner against his will in 2004, but still. STILL. Though, I suppose that's the kind of gift you get from a crappy Vince Vaughn holiday movie.

19. Is there ANYTHING that Joe Buck won't sell? Seriously, it makes me feel dirty.

20. Apparently the Joe and Tim show has never seen a blown bullpen. I get that they think it's better to rest him, but Beckett's pitch count is low and, in case you don't recall, Schill and DiceK generally pitch a combined 8 innings, so perhaps Tito's decision to keep Beckett in and save the bullpen isn't as questionable as all that? Perhaps?

21. Text message from cspan: "How is it only the top of the 7th? Completely unrelated, what's the definition of 'mercy kill'? Again, UNRELATED question."

22. I know McCarver's in love with Jeets and all, but "BREATHTAKING FRAGRANCE?!" For real, Tim? That's just gross.

23. Oh, wait, I get it now. It's the part of the game where Tim starts babbling incoherently. Good to know. I would feel bad for Joe Buck for having to sit there and listen if he weren't, you know, Joe Buck, mistress of Satan.

24. Oh Gagne. It's good to know we have someone to count on as long as we're up by 10+ runs. Merci!

25. And in conclusion, Josh Beckett, metaphor for awesome.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

... still waiting to find out that jd drew's grand slam in game six was actually a break with reality that landed me in a mental institution

My plans for tonight included doing a ton of laundry, cleaning my kitchen and going to bed early, because something tells me I will not have very much time for sleeping and other pointless domestic frivolity in the next couple days. And, despite how the Standells might tell it, this frustrated woman has to be in by 9 o'clock. As the longest off-day since, oh, let's say, last Thursday winds to a close, seven things I'm thinking about:

1. Josh Beckett will start Game 1 of the World Series and enjoy home field advantage because the AL won the All Star Game, a game in which Josh Beckett was the winning pitcher of record. This is a funny coincidence but should not come as a surprise: we all know that Josh Beckett is willing to do everything himself if he has to.

2. Speaking of Beckett, I've seen this mentioned a few places, but even if you already know about it, it bears further discussion. In fact, while killing time during the next 22 hours, I'd like each of you to write a 1000 word essay about the possibilities for this to be the most magnificent thing that has ever happened:

Beckett is a horse of a starting pitcher. His work ethic is so strong that the Red Sox are sending their best two young starting pitchers, Jon Lester and Clay Buchholz, to Beckett's home in Texas this winter specifically to absorb and learn from his work habits and determination.

What I am imagining right now is a combination of a college frat initiation gone terribly, terribly wrong, military boot camp and Bad News Bears, and it's WONDERFUL. If everything goes according to the plan, the 2008 starting rotation could feature Josh Beckett and two mini-Becketts. It's basically the next best thing to having a rotation of Josh Beckett clones, and don't tell me that Theo hasn't considered that. Paying shitloads of money to get pitchers cloned is totally going to be the new paying shitloads of money to import them from Japan.

3. I'm watching the first game in the Red Sox/Rockies game from June on NESN and, jeez, I know it's been a couple months, but it feels like a bajillion years ago. It's Dustin Pedroia's first game batting lead-off! Everyone's very concerned that his hot streak could be a fluke! Maybe he can't handle the pressure! And, Christ, Mike Lowell is still batting sixth.

4. Speaking of God's Chosen Mighty Mite, you're right, Sunday's home run does extend his don't-call-it-clutch Pedroia homers = Sox win streak to 9-0 on the season.

5. Brief intermission, let's all just marvel at this photograph for another minute:

I ... just don't even know what goes on in that boy's head sometimes.

6. I love Boston 365 days a year, but I never love Boston more than when the entire city is completely saturated in its devotion to the Red Sox. On my way to work on Monday -- sitting on the subway, in line for coffee, waiting for the elevator -- literally every single conversation I overheard was about Sunday night's game. Last night, Katie and I went to see The Hold Steady and the lead singer, when telling a story about a member their crew who'd never been to Boston before, said, "I told him there's one big difference between Boston and New York. In Boston, they play baseball deep into October."

7. Katie and I were trying to decide where to watch the game tomorrow night, and we decided the wisest choice would be re-create our ALDS Game 1 experience to the letter. We even figured out exactly what we ordered on our pizza, and who sat on which side of Katie's couch. Now, is it 8:35 on Wednesday yet?

Monday, October 22, 2007

oh, the movie never ends, it goes on and on and on and on

You know, you follow your team -- I want to say that you follow them starting in April, but let's not kid, most of us started following the 2007 Red Sox right around Valentine's Day -- you follow them all fucking year and in those week night games against the Orioles in May, you don't dare say out loud, "Well, I really hope the reason our closer isn't available tonight is so he'll be fresh enough to get six outs in Game 7 of the ALCS," but you hope, you know?

You follow your team, and you root for them, and you sit in bars at all hours of the day and night and drink flat beer for them, you sneak out of work early for them, and you try not to jinx them. And sometimes, with a little bit of luck and a whole lot of Dustin Pedroia, you get this:

Saturday, October 20, 2007


See, this is why we've been telling you all season that Nancy "Make that Sixty-Nine RBIs" Drew is our favorite player.

Also, what have you heard about this Gagne kid?

Friday, October 19, 2007

get back then, watch how you're acting, 'cause i'm the shit

2. During the NESN post-game, the Eck called him "Pedro-esque." I mean. What more is there to say?
3. We could talk about the three runs he's allowed in 23 innings of post-season play. We could talk about how he shut down the Indians tonight for eight innings, walking just one batter and striking out eleven. We could talk about the fact that he got so bored with the slop they were giving him that he tried to start a brawl with Kenny Lofton to make things interesting. What it comes down to is that Josh Beckett is nails and he's the reason you're gonna be planning your life around the Red Sox for at least one more Saturday night.
4. At this point, I'm opening rooting for C.C. Sabathia to win the Cy Young, so he can sheepishly mail it to Beckett, along with his manhood.
5. Two-chug performance from Beckett during the post-game press conference, highlighted by him retorting "I don't get paid to make any of those fucking decisions" when asked about the national anthem non-incident incident.
6. He also announced himself as the Game 6 starter.
7. I'm kidding.
8. Maybe.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

we weren't kidding when we wanted to know if he could pitch all the games

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

also, i'm officially fearful of the rockies

Daisuke Matsuzaka in 2008 is the new Josh Beckett in 2007.
Daisuke Matsuzaka in 2008 is the new Josh Beckett in 2007.
Daisuke Matsuzaka in 2008 is the new Josh Beckett in 2007.
Daisuke Matsuzaka in 2008 is the new Josh Beckett in 2007.
Daisuke Matsuzaka in 2008 is the new Josh Beckett in 2007.

I keep telling myself this, and it doesn't make me feel any better. Maybe because in October of 2006, Josh was already at home on his Texas ranch, shooting things and scheming to himself about how he'd show us, he was going to win the fucking AL Cy Young next year and Daisuke was still a twinkle in John Henry's wallet, whereas in October of 2007, the Red Sox are IN THE MIDDLE OF A LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES, NOT THAT CERTAIN PEOPLE APPEAR TO HAVE NOTICED.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

if i were gilbert arenas, i'd cheat at halo too

Here's the thing. I'm not saying that at 10 of 2 last morning I wasn't seriously entertaining the idea of going as a murdered Eric Gagne for Halloween. And I'm not saying I didn't shout "this is a fucking tragedy!!!" multiple times last night. We're not suggesting that kelly wasn't at an airport bar in California drinking herself towards alcohol poisoning. It was awful. That's not supposed to happen to our bullpen. I know. We all know.

But, it's the playoffs. It's supposed to be hard. You can't sweep them all. So, do what a playoff team does-- shake it off, move on. That's what Josh Beckett would do. (Well, he might drink some Bud light and bang a co-ed first, but, you know. Eventually.)

Also, football! That always helps cheer me up.

[/being brave and positive in the face of much pain]

Saturday, October 13, 2007

did anyone else notice that the FOX broadcast referred to pedroia as "scrappy" LESS THAN SIXTY SECONDS into the proceedings?

It has come to my attention that every single thing I want to write about today is a potential jinx.

I was going to compare CC Sabathia to Dirk Nowitzki, who recently won a certain NBA award after a certain somewhat embarrassing postseason performance, but … JINX!

I was going to discuss the fact that Josh Beckett threw a leisurely eighty pitches last night, coming out after six innings possibly because he was just flat-out bored with what the Cleveland hitters were showing him, which means that he could possibly … JINX!!

I was going to share my feelings about the Diamondbacks/Rockies series, and how I have a theoretical preference and a pragmatic preference, the team I would theoretically like to see win and the team I would prefer to … JINX!!!

Um. Okay. So. The Boston Red Sox are a very good team.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

the josh beckett press conference drinking game

During the postseason, Major League Baseball requires starting pitchers to give pre-game press conferences as well as post-game ones. Which means that w are the lucky recipients of the unintentional comedy of watching Josh Beckett be forced to disdainfully interact with the media twice in two days. With that in mind, an idea whose time has come:

The Josh Beckett Press Conference Drinking Game
+ Drink once if Beckett is in possession of sunglasses and it's after sunset
+ Drink once for every piece of neck jewelry
+ Drink once for every one-word answer
+ Drink twice for every "yes" or "no" answer to a question that was not technically a yes-or-no question
+ Drink once every time Beckett credits his success to Tek
+ Drink once every time he visibly rolls his eyes
+ Chug every time swears on live television
+ Chug every time he says the phrase "execute pitches"
+ Chug every time he calls out Papelbon for being a dumb redneck

Tune in and play along tomorrow night! Beckett's press conferences are usually pretty, uh, brisk, so there's even a chance that you'll get through this without alcohol poisoning.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

it's october and there is no baseball on televsion day #3, transmisisons from the ledge

So I was going to make a "Ten Things I Learned During the ALDS" post, sort of a catch-all catch-up, sorry I'm on vacation and Katie actually has to work for a living and can't keyboardmash insane ramblings about Jonathan Papelbon's six different species of game faces (I believe we saw #4 during the 8th inning of Game 2, the THIS JUST IN: THAT DID NOT SUCK primal scream face), and I got about six points deep:

1. It is possible for Terry Francona to fill out a lineup card that does not include Alex Cora OR Eric Hinske. It turns out that our opening day lineup (albeit in a slight different order) is actually a damn good team, and they have a pretty damn smart manager.

2. Josh Beckett doesn't sleep, he waits. And he has apparently been waiting since October 25, 2003 and not missed a single beat.

3. We already knew this one, too, but it's nice to have it confirmed: Manny Ramirez is a bad man.

4. Eric Wedge is a ballsy motherfucker. As much as I would have preferred to have tired out Sabathia in Game 4 and Carmona in a theoretical Game 5, I really respect Eric Wedge for saying, "Fuck all y'all, I'm starting Paul Byrd." I still have no idea how Byrd ended up with the W in Game 4, but as a fan of the game, I tip my cap to Eric Wedge.

5. That said, if Jonathan Papelbon battled to the death with Joe Borowski 100 times, he would win 99 times, and the 100th time he would beat himself.

6. Apparently Suyzn Waldman never learned that there's no crying in baseball.

But then I took a break to look at the pictures from today's work-out at Fenway, and I posts eleventy billion pictures of the Red Sox players every year (shut up, you know you look at them all, too), but let's discuss:

JD Drew: I CAN HAS FACIAL EXPRESSION? (Look, it's not even a fluke!)

You might have heard that Josh Beckett is from Texas. I can only conclude from this photograph that he has had enough of this Tony Romo crap and has decided to take matters into his own hands.

(Brief aside: as someone who roots for the Patriots but was born and raised a 49ers fan, I don't think I can adequately express how much I want the Pats to destroy the Cowboys on Sunday.)

Dice-K explores the possibility that he would pitch more effectively if he adopted a gansta-like swagger:

Just Paps being Paps:

Finally: I'm really enjoying the national coverage that the Red Sox get when they aren't about to play the Yankees. Last night on Baseball Tonight, there was a five-minute discussion about Manny Delcarmen being the key to the Sox bullpen. You know that Manny Delcarmen being a strong sixth and seventh innings guy is the key to the bullpen, and I know that, but I had no idea ESPN knew that, because they've always been too busy shoving the rivalry down our throats. It's a brave new world!

Saturday, October 06, 2007

it is high, it is deep into the night!

Re: this plan, well, that's cool, now I know what it must feel like to be terrified of flying. You grip the arm rest with white knuckles, you feel nauseous, and when the plane finally lands, you feel a rushing sense of euphoric relief.

My plane was already beginning its descent in the bottom of the ninth, and there was some concern that the flight would land and the satellite feed would cut out before the outcome of the game was known. Fortunately, Manny had other ideas and set everybody home happy. Let the record show that I was not the only person on that flight to throw up Manny-esque victory arms in my seat, and there was a very hilarious spontaneous round of applause.

Scattered, jet-lagged thoughts:

1. The regular season 2007 Red Sox would have figured out a way to lose this game. Hell, they would have figured out a way to lose this game in the 5th, 8th, 9th AND 10th innings. But none of that matters now.
2. If, every time the Red Sox are in danger of losing a close game, I could have the ability to flip over during the commercials to watch the 10,272nd replay of Joba Chamberlain throwing a wild pitch while covered in gnats, that would be just great.
3. Cinco Ocho has a post season victory.
4. Cinco Ocho may start moonlighting as a first base coach.
5. Manny wore a suit and tie to his post-game interview, and it looked just as baggy and ridiculous as his uniform.
6. Manny had a post-game interview.
7. Do you think Schill and Beckett watched the game together at the hotel? Why couldn't NESN have had a camera following them the whole way? I can only imagine this was comedy gold. Once Beckett realized that Game 3 could be the clinching game, he probably started trying to trick Schill into playing Rock, Paper, Scissors for the spot so he could start the game himself on three days rest.


Friday, October 05, 2007

the urge to ditch my family and hitch hike to anaheim will be strong

I know it's for the good of the bullpen, but this one day on, one day off stuff is killing me.

Here is a cautionary tale:

I had plans this summer to go see my parents in California for a week in mid-August. Then something came up at work and I had abruptly reschedule my visit, and when my mother suggested the first weekend in October, I agreed without thinking, because I was overwhelmed by how many homicides, and because I'm an idiot. Only later did I realize that I'd committed to spending 10 days away from home smack in the middle of baseball's postseason. The first thing I thought was, "This sucks, I don't want to be in California watching the play-offs by myself, I want to be in Boston." The next thing I thought was, "You cannot alter your plans. If you do that, you will jinx everything, and the Sox will blow the lead and not even make the playoffs." At the time it seemed like a wise decision, which is probably proof positive that I am a fucking maniac. What's worse is that now the postseason is here, the Sox are in, and when Game 2 starts tonight at 8:30 EST, I am going to be on a plane to Oakland.

Thank God I'm flying Jet Blue, because they have a deal with XM. Tonight's game will be a bizarre marriage of tradition and technology: I'll be flying cross-country at 30,000 feet and … listening to the Sox game on the radio. Given my tendency to fill my clear plastic zip lock bag with nip-sized bottles of booze and my propensity for histrionics when it comes to the Red Sox, I would say that there is a 47% chance I'll be leaving that plane in handcuffs, but hopefully not before the final out.

Because I don't want to tempt the gods of schadenfreude, I will say this: Yankees game? What Yankees game? Oh, you mean the Yankees played last night? That's cool. I didn't watch any of it, or check the final score as soon as I got home last night or anything. I bet they won, though. They had Wang pitching, and he's their ace, and when you've got your ace on the mound, you -- yeah, I’m sorry, I can't keep a straight face any longer.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

can josh beckett just pitch all the games? i hear he likes pitching on short rest...

ALDS Game 1? Check. My boyfriend, the newly-minted Sox ace? Check. 18-pack of High Life for 10 bucks? Check. Live blog? Obvs.

Item 1: Who the hell are these people calling the game? Jerry and DonO are crazy and Buck and McCarver are the devil's handmaidens, but at least we know what's coming. This bug-eyed freak and his boring friend are unknown quantities.

Item 2: Beckett may have trimmed the chin pubes. This would seem to be a good thing, but is it possible that without the disgusting facial hair you'd just notice that he has no chin? Hmmmm...

Item 3: kelly is so anxious about this game that we anticipate a heart attack before it's over. In lieu of cards or flowers, please send donations to the NDRaPRSFftEMRSoML. Oh, speaking of god's chosen third baseman, kelly reports that at the rally while the reanimated corpse of John Henry was blathering on about whatever, the crowd started chanting "Sign Lowell!" A.mAz.ING

Item 4: It's possible that Anderson's conjuctivitis is kelly's karmic reward for suffering from chronic corneal ulcers for the last three years. If she says so...

[Highlife update = katie .25, kelly 1
Game update = 1 H, 1 SO, 1 stolen base, 1 year off kelly's life]

Item 5: Youk says, "Slump? What motherfucking slump?"

Item 6: The phrase "against the shift" is 15% as satisfying as "walked in a run" the most satisfying thing in all of baseball. (The only thing more satisfying in all of sports, btw, is "safety!" in football because it's totally the MOST HUMILIATING way to score EVER!)

Item 7: "Gotta polish the helmets" -- seriously? These people are terrifying. Are they Mormon? (No offense, Jacoby.)

[Highlife update = katie .5, kelly 1.9
Game update = 1 run, 1 time Lowell looked like he was going to kill a bitch]

[Highlife update = katie .75, kelly 2
Game update = awesome 4-out half inning! ugh]

Item 8: Note to Dane Cook, there is in fact more than one October. One comes around EVERY year. Also, that new movie with Jessica Alba? TERRIBLE IDEA.

[Highlife update = katie 1, kelly 2 (we got pizza, she had to pause. also, she started to feel like a drunk. though, katie is the one who just said "wow, I was really drunk last night..." so.)
Game update = score Sox 1, Angels 0; umps 2, Sox 0]

Item 9: Two things about these announcers. One, we kind of wish they'd try to sell us something, just for a sign of life and two, we're pretty sure they're NL whores who think the DH is the devil's work. It's nothing they've said per se, but just an overall calmness that we find unsettling.

[Highlife update = katie 1.5, kelly 2.5
Game update = Joshua Fucking Beckett is a BADASS and kelly's not allowed to use the remote.]

Item 10: "Pedroia will you fucking take a fucking pitch already?!?" Note to self, kelly turns on those she loves damn quick. Although, really, 3 pitches in 2 at bats? Seriously?

Item 11: We're pretty sure that Manny's base-running is "underrated" because it's generally nonexistent. But, you know, whatever.

Item 12: One of my favorite Sox stories of late is the ongoing shuffle between Lowell and Papi as the RBI leader. We start fresh tonight and so far it's Papi 2, Lowell 1. Sweet.

Item 13: Apparently my nemesis, Bill Simmons, wants to write a book called "Caught Looking: My 100 Least Favorite JD Drew Strikeouts." I'll admit, this is funny. But really, I think we need a companion volume called "2 for 1: the 100 Worst Situations in Which JD Drew Ground Into a Double Play."

[Highlife update: katie 1.75, kelly "safely through" 3
Game update: In case you forgot, in October, David Ortiz fucks your mother and steals your lunch money.]

[Highlife update: katie 1.9, kelly 3.2
Game update: Did anyone notice that Beckett's a pitcher not a thrower this season?]

Item 14: Can we just all take a moment to admire Tek's playoff beard? Conveniently, it's awfully easy to do because it's right in line with that chin-high fastball that Tek is definitely going to swing at... And, he does. At least the beard is nice.

[Highlife update: katie 2, kelly 3.5
Game update: whatever.]

Item 15: Why does their sideline reporter look like he's lip syncing? Is it just because we're so used to the amazingly overwhelming size of the Cavernous Maw?

[Highlife update: katie 2, kelly 3.6
Game update: oh my god, josh beckett. oh. my. god.]

Item 16: Okay, "amenities of contemporary life?" That dissertation on advertising? Forget Mormon or National League devotees (very similar, btw), I'm thinking these guys are fucking Amish.

Item 17: kelly says, "Josh Beckett may be from Texas, but John Lackey is from TEXAS." She also keeps using the phrase "SPED," so draw your own conclusions about what she means there.

[Highlife update: katie still 2, kelly 4
Game update: lackey has thrown slightly less than the 826 pitches kelly thinks he has, but really, not by much.]

Item 18: "You can take the first pitch if you want, but it's just going to be strike one." In which the Amish-Mormon-NL announcers win us over in one fell swoop.

[Highlife update: katie 3.1, kelly 4.1
Game update: josh beckett could show up at my house, hit me with a pitch, make me say I love Julio Lugo and steal my favorite sneakers and I would STILL LOVE HIM.]

Item 19: A show I would watch-- ALL OF JOSH BECKETT'S STRIKE OUTS IN SLOW-MO. Also, Cal Ripken is funny-- who knew?

Item 20: HEY, Stephen King!

Item 21: Text message received from katie's brother: "JOSH" In-fucking-deed.

[Highlife update: katie 3.5, kelly 4.4
Game update: I'm actually not sure I can watch unless Josh Beckett's on screen.]

Item 22: We really want the Indians to shell the fuck out of the Yankees. I mean, we REALLY want it.

Item 23: Every time Tek calls a pitch, Beckett sort of laughs like, "are you sure you don't want me to throw it behind my back or something? make it challenging?" It sort of makes me giddy.

Item 24: That bug-eyed freak's eyes are WAY scarier after 3 to 4 beers. For real.

[Highlife update: katie 3.75, kelly "safely through" 5 (I don't know why she keeps saying "safely through," but whatever)
Game update: 7. Shut-out. Innings. BITCHES.]

[Highlife update: katie 4, kelly 5.5
Game update: Did anything happen? We spent most of that half inning wondering whether Beckett will come out for the 8. WHY HAS NO ONE TOLD US WHAT HIS PITCH COUNT IS?!!?]

Item 25: Oh THERE he is. Out, motherfucker!

Item 26: "collage of futility" = brilliant. Maybe these weird guys have better stuff than meets the eye.

Item 27: "AGon would have had that" makes an unpleasant return to our lexicon. Fucking Julio Lugo needs a good beating. Too bad the best person to administer such a thing is JULIO LUGO.

Item 28: katie says, "I still hate Lugo." kelly says, "that's right you do. no, no, I do too. no, wait, they did the best they can. really."

[Highlife update: katie holding at 4, kelly "safely through" 6
Game update: josh beckett's sadistic domination of the los angeles angels of anaheim comes to a beautiful end.]

[Highlife update: same as before, mostly
Game update: also the same.]


Item 30: Dear Cy Young voters, Just in case you didn't vote for me, I wanted to drop you a little line to tell you about this shutout complete game I pitched to open the playoffs. Dane Cook tells me there's only one October and even though he's a douchebag, I thought I'd bring my A game. It's too bad you cast the wrong fucking vote. Bitches. Much motherfucking love, Josh Beckett, Red Sox ace.

[Highlife update: katie 4.5, kelly 6.5
Game update: I don't really know what else I can say about Josh Beckett, but. You know, he's kind of awesome.]

If anyone in Los Angeles or Anaheim cared about baseball, they'd be crying right now. That was awesome.

all that and a postseason k/9 of 27

Despite the truckload of photographic evidence of Jonathan Papelbon's no pants, no shame, no problem dancing shenanigans (and if you've been living under a rock or something, please see Texas Gal here and here for enough video and photographic evidence to almost convince you that it wasn't just a fever dream), my favorite picture to come out of Friday night's celebration is actually this one:

Where would this Red Sox team be without contributions from so many of the young kids? All Dustin Pedroia did this year was write a master's thesis on how to win Rookie of the Year. Clay Buchholz only notched three wins this year, but didn't they all come when wins were starting to feel a little thin on the ground? Would the team have been able to hang on to lead in September if Jacoby Ellsbury hadn't been playing out of his mind trying to fill the void left with Manny out of the lineup? And of course, there is the best beloved blogsake, Cinco Ocho, our pantsless elder statesman.

As a Red Sox fan, I root for this team with as much stomach-churning, rage-inducing insanity during the first game in a series against the Devil Rays in the middle of April as I would during the clinching game of a playoff series in October. Sometimes I think I should take a step back and say, okay, 2004 was probably the best outcome I will ever experience in my lifetime as a sports fan, and everything that happens in the considerable future is gravy. But I want 2007, too. I want it for all the players who have been there before and deserve to get back, but I want it twice as hard for the young guys. I want Dustin Pedroia to make a game-saving catch and knock in the game-winning run in the same inning. I want Jacoby Ellsbury to steal home plate in a walk-off situation. I want Jonathan Papelbon to let the world know that the clock has started ticking on Mariano Rivera's claim to being the most dominant closer in post season history. I want it all, and it's all happening, starting tonight.