Saturday, May 05, 2007

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Julian Tavarez and forgot to pay him back.

5 Thoughts While I Contemplate the Fact That the Owner of Tonight's Only RBI was Dustin Pedroia

1. I'm thinking, if I have a valuable possession that I really want to keep an eye on, something I really want to make sure it stays put, I'll just put it on base in scoring position when the Red Sox are up to bat, because that way I know it probably isn't going anywhere.

2. I was nursing the slight back end of a hangover and looking for some background noise while I did my homework this afternoon, so I ended up watching the Yankees game on Fox. (Baseball = the best combination of incentive and white noise for banging out reading responses. I never would have made it this far through grad school without it.) This put me in the awkward position of actively rooting against a perfect game, but I was up to the task. Me and Tim McCarver, who didn't even wait until the end of the fifth before he started trying to jinx it. I never thought I'd say this, but thank God for Tim McCarver.

3. Twelve stranded base runners? Do these players not realize what Julian Tavarez is capable of? Julian Tavarez doesn't sleep, he waits.

4. At least Papelbon was back in the saddle again last night, thank Christ. Also, Mike has a good explanation for how the team managed to keep Paps from busting out of the bullpen during the Mariners game. Between his total "what the fuck is going on?" face on Thursday night and the fact that I'm pretty sure the microphones picked up Papi shouting "This is bullshit!" on his way back to the dugout after his first strike-out in tonight's game, it's been a good week.

5. Also, we've never had reason to discuss this on the blog before, but Katie's two favorite things in the whole world are carnies and board games. We decided on Thursday night that we love Julian Tavarez so much because he kind of looks like he could be a carnie.


At 1:58 AM, Anonymous katie said...

1. I appreciate that you did not try to assert that my third favorite thing is "fabio." And frankly, I can't believe we've never had reason to discuss carnies before. So not for the win.

2. OMG, Julian Tavarez Fact Generator OMG.

"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give Julian Tavarez a fish and he'll stuff it up your ass and skull-fuck your daughter."

3. "Keep it secret, keep it safe, keep it on second base when Tek's coming up to bat!"

At 10:48 AM, Blogger Steve said...

I'd never thought of the Tavarez/carnie angle. I've always thought he looks like Freddy Kreuger with shorter nails. I could definitely see him running the shady ring toss game, though.

At 3:03 PM, Blogger cspan said...

1. Because I am dedicated, and because there is nothing else to do in Providence, RI, I can confirm that the mic picked up Papi yelling, "Horseshit" from the dugout after his first at-bat.

2. The MG swears that in the off-season, Tavarez counts gold at Gringott's.

At 7:19 PM, Blogger kelly said...

katie -- i forgot about fabio! i can't believe i forgot about how much you love fabio. maybe i'll start telling people you love carnies, board games and tavarez. it's totally the same thing.

steve -- he definitely looks like freddie kruger when he covers his entire face with the glove, it's disturbing.

cspan -- just, you know, imagine a human of about three years of age with antler-like nose and ears, and a jellyfish draped over its head, then stuffed into a leprechaun suit.

At 7:29 PM, Blogger Mike said...

If you want to feel some REAL LOB pain, try rooting for the Phillies.
They have the highest OBP in MLB, but only the 11th most runs. scored. They've left 267 runners on base, 21 more than the 2nd worst Nationals.
The Sox have the 11th most LOB.

I'm still waiting for some truly Batshit Tavarez shenanigans. But the attempted pickoff at 2B, during the middle of issuing an IBB, was a step in the right direction.

At 8:09 PM, Blogger kelly said...

mike, did you see manny petting tavarez's head in the dugout today? that was batshit crazy but in a ... different way. i was watching the game at a work-related event, and 96% of my co-workers are gay, and this led to some awkward questions i was not prepared to answer!

also, i'm actually watching the phillies game right now, because it's the sunday night baseball game. in the interest of full disclosure, though, i am rooting for my natal team. lo siento!

At 2:15 AM, Blogger Mike said...

I missed the game today, so I watched Sox in 2 to try to see the Manny Pat. Somehow I still missed it.
I went to the NESN section of and did searches for "Batshit Pat", and "hipster glasses", but didn't find anything.

It may be necessary to skip work on Monday to get a handle on this situation.

At 2:49 PM, Blogger Tom said...

Dude! Thank God for tim McCarver! Exactly! I didn't know I felt this way until I saw his comment on the Rocket signing.

Who knew he was still lucid?


At 4:54 PM, Blogger kelly said...

tom -- while it's highly possible that i'll never forgive tim mccarver for emotional damage inflicted on me during the 2004 ALCS, that he flat-out said "let him pitch for nothing" is pretty hilarious. to roger, i say, enjoy having scott proctor blow all your games! and seriously, you may have been a six-inning pitcher in the national league central, but good luck going more than five in the american league east.

At 8:47 PM, Blogger jared said...

They should start a new gameshow on NESN (it can go on right after "Papi and Paps") that's just like "I Want To Be A Millionaire", but instead, it's called "I Want To Pet Taverez On The Head".

At 10:42 PM, Anonymous katie said...

Did you see tonight when he offered Manny a banana? They have very weird rituals. I'm not sure I'd want to experience them for myself.

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