Tuesday, September 11, 2007

warning: in the bullpen, jonathan papelbon [*]

I'm not talking about last night, because it never happened. You hear me? NEVER HAPPENED. When Tito fills out a lineup card that looks more appropriate for a celebrity wiffleball tournament (and not even a high-profile one, but one that was happening in Worcester or something), I can only assume that there was not actually a baseball game last night. No game? No problem!

There was a game on Sunday, and lo, it was awesome. Assorted notes:

[1] We decided that Mormon boy Jacoby Ellsbury should use "Goodie Two-Shoes" by Adam Ant for his batting music for the "don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?" part.

[2] Camden Yard was even more overrun with Sox fans than it appears on television, and was every bit a magical wonderland of a ballpark as advertised. It was sort of like the Disneyland of ballparks: everything was clean and shiny, the beer was dirt-cheap, there were crab cakes the size of my head and the air smelled like cotton candy and angel's wings, but it would be weird to live there every day.

[3] When Guthrie came out of the game with an injury, the curious choice was made to play "Just Like Heaven" by the Cure over the loudspeakers. This may have led us to make up a mean-spirited song that may have started with, "Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick, how you give up thirty runs a game, how you lose by 15 to the Devil Rays," but I can neither confirm nor deny.

[4] Josh Beckett is a golden god.

[5] Early in the game, I said that if JD Drew got a hit, I would yell "Yeaaaah, Nancy!" in a really obnoxious Masshole accent. So that went over well, I think.


[7] Upon learning the final score of the Patriots game from the closed-circuit television: "That's a little bitch score."

[*] The display actually read, "Warming in the bullpen: Jonathan Papelbon." k8 either misread it or uncovered a greater psychological truth about teams doomed to face Cinco-Ocho in the ninth inning.


At 8:07 PM, Blogger Texas Gal said...

I have to say, from a legal standpoint, if they have to put "WARNING: HOT COFFEE" on the side of McDonald's coffee cups, it really seems that they kind of have to announce the danger that is Papelbon.

(BTW most awesome misread ever)

At 10:47 PM, Blogger kelly said...

perhaps opposing teams should look into taking out insurance policies against him?

At 1:05 AM, Blogger Texas Gal said...

I'm assuming you're referring to a policy insuring against "Ass-Kicking Of The Century", right? Yeah.

And while they're at it, they might want to take one out for Beckett and Okajima as well. Dice-K and Wake, just to be safe.

At 5:04 PM, Blogger Daniel said...

TO all of you that think Jonny is a better closer than Mariano Rivera...Your on crack. JP will never be as good as mo and to think that he deserves to close the all star game in the greatest stage in athletic history is ludacris. Mariano has no blown saves in the 2008 season. And to say he deserves it because he won a world series last year is a load of crap. Check your head boston. It may be red sox nation but that falls in yankee universe. GO YANKS

At 2:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Papelbon, you suck. Try being modest like the greatest closer in the history of the game, Mariano Rivera. You cocksucker. I HATE BOSTON.

At 10:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Buck up you GIRL and throw some pitches. You make me sick with your lack of effort. A man could do it!!

At 4:03 PM, Blogger Vincenzo said...

I am a huge Red Sox fan and I have to say Papelbon you let all of us down, you want the big contract and respect but unless you get it done in October you don't deserve shit. Go to the Yankees or some other team your prime is up. You just blew a fucking ALDS game to the Angels to end the season you fucking suck grow a pair of balls you cocksucker!

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