Friday, February 29, 2008

coco says: I HAS A VALUE

What I learned while watching tonight's spring training opener:

Clearly, the real reason the fans should be glad the Red Sox didn't make the Santana trade is that now we don't have to listen to Remdawg call him "Johan Santaner" for the next six years.

(Just kidding Remy, you know I love you. Also, was it just me, or did Daisuke seem less prone to nibbling and more willing to pitch to contact?)

Thursday, February 28, 2008

"are you okay with jonathan papelbon?"

The closest I want to come to discussing politics in this blog is to say that it makes me angry when I find the president charming and/or funny. However:

"I'd like welcome Dice-K to the White House South Lawn," Bush said of Matsuzaka. "His press corps is bigger than mine."
Bush then paused.
"And we both have trouble answering questions in English."

Read the Commander-in-Chief's other charming witticisms
here and see pictures here. Both include references to Manny's absence from the festivities. Perhaps he couldn't attend for politicial reasons-- he was probably busy stumping for the Green party in the upcoming election. And by that, I think we mean that it's time for him to dye three or four of his dreds green.

Also, if you're bored at work or perhaps actively dreading an upcoming meeting of some sort like me, go watch this
brief video of Pap trying to speak Spanish, failing, and cursing. Of course, what I really want to see is video of the tutoring sessions with Tavarez that the NECN news people joke about-- I think I saw the comercial for the Julian Tavarez School of Spanish and Insanity on cable the other night.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

tragic chin accident

This NECN video interview with Josh Beckett is kind of unintentionally hilarious. Apparently the way to get Josh Beckett to give a mellow, chatty interview is to distract him with something he actually enjoys doing, like long-tossing a baseball. It makes perfect sense. Also, about 30 seconds before the end of the clip, he explains the significance of his every-stoner-I-knew-in-high-school neck jewelry. And he says that the plane they take to Japan is going to have beds. So basically they're having a sleep over. $10 says that Papelbon tries to put one of Mike Timlin's hands in a bowl of warm water.

I mean, seriously:

Would you want to play truth or dare with this man?

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

it's so cold today in boston i would actually tune into NESN just to watch grass grow in ft. myers

Last night, Katie and I went to see Will Leitch read from God Save the Fan. ** The reading was at the BU Barnes and Noble, and as I was attempting to claw my way out of the condemned construction site that is the Kenmore Square T stop, I realized that I don't think I've been to Kenmore Square since we saw Josh Beckett lose to the Twins in what turned out to be the most non-portentous final regular season appearance recent memory. (As a Dansko clog wearing lesbian working in social services, I am contractually obligated to reside in Somerville. But don't worry, Katie lives in Allston, and we bring you these mash notes from both sides of the river.) Just knowing that Fenway was across the bridge, and in a couple months the bridge will be littered with seedy guys who want to sell you $10 A-ROD SLAPS BALLS t-shirts brought warmth to my cold, dead heart.

With that in mind, here are 10 small and random things I miss about the Boston Red Sox:

• Taking a late lunch so I can watch a couple innings of a weekday afternoon game at a bar around the corner from my office.
• Mike Timlin jogging out from the bullpen with his warm-up jacket in his teeth.
• Randomly flipping past Sports Center and seeing that Mike Mussina got shelled today in Detroit, engaging in brief moment of sweet schadenfreude, brightening even the darkest of days.
• Something happens that makes you remember that Dustin Pedroia totally is 5'9" … in three-inch heels (see: when he has to make a running jump in order to effectively chest-bump.)
• Playing the
Josh Beckett Press Conference Drinking Game.
• Ridiculous batting stances! Coco Crisp's tendency to jut his chin out over his shoulder and make a face like a street urchin who wants you to put up your dukes is a favorite, but should Coco find himself somewhere other than our starting line-up this season, I'll settle for the way that Kevin Youkilis holds the bat more like someone looking to defend his family against a burglar than someone looking to hit a line drive.
• The continuing unintentional hilarity that is generated by the Manny Ramirez dreadlock experiment.
• Trying to get from Point A to Point B while a game is in progress and knowing that I can monitor the score by peeking in the window of every bar, take-out joint and laundry mat in the city.
• And, of course, best beloved blogsake's ritual fist-bump with the bullpen cop.

Just 34 days until the regular season starts: what has you jonesing?

** My review in a nutshell of Deadspin: The Book, if you care: Leitch goes to great lengths to point out that the book is 99% original content. Unfortunately, this doesn't preclude it from being 99.9% unoriginal concepts, and the effect is sort of like reading someone write a book report about their blog. And half the essays in the "Owners" chapter have nothing to do with sports team owners. But he made great lengths toward redeeming himself by being very charming and funny in person, having a really healthy attitude about the particular brand of internet celebrity that Deadspin brings him and for at least doing a very enthusiastic impression of someone who doesn't hate Boston as much as the rest of the sports blogosphere.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

when i wished someone at work "happy pitchers and catchers day" they thought i was being untoward

Even though we've already enjoyed several days of Craig Hansen's medical history, Dice-K's mullet and Josh Beckett seeming disinterest in speaking with the press and tendency to take awkward photographs, technically today is the day that Red Sox pitchers and catchers must report to Ft. Myers. To celebrate, have eight predictions for the 2008 baseball season:

1. Curt Schilling reveals on his blog that the shoulder surgery drama was an effort to void his Sox contract in order to accept his rightful place as John McCain's running mate.

2. Inspired by the success of Dice-K's translator, Bud Selig forces the Sox to hire a translator for Josh Beckett in order to render his expletive-laden press conferences into printable material.

3. Roger Clemens begins lobbying for gay marriage so he can marry Andy Pettite and prevent him from testifying against Clemens in any future trials.

4. America, meet the first Native American Mormon star of The Bachelor: Jacoby Ellsbury!!

5. Jonathan Papelbon spends 15 days on the DL with ballet class related injury. He claims he was just trying to give the people what they want.

6. Jed Lowrie is caught storing miscellaneous personal items in Julio Lugo's locker.

7. Jack Epstein bats .287/.400/.405 in Single A Greenville.

8. Over the course of the season Julian Tavarez holds positions as starting pitcher, relief pitcher, official spokesman for Manny, Fenway Frank vendor, temporary replacement for Tina Cervasio, and John Farrell's personal barber. He tells the media, he just wants to help out.


Welcome back, everyone!

Monday, February 04, 2008


We should have known that nothing good could come of a night that started with a commercial that starred Derek Jeter AND Peyton Manning. That should have been our first clue that the road had taken a very serious detour straight to hell.

Ten days until pitchers and catchers, I guess.