the most enraged post you can possibly make after handily beating the yankeesDear Jonathan,
We need to talk. First it there was the three-hit, one-run performance against the Braves this weekend, but tonight? Back-to-back walks? Two on and no one out in the bottom of the ninth in Yankee fucking Stadium? These two innings took years off my life that I'll never get back. And, yeah, I know, they were both non-save situations, and on Sunday you also struck out the side and tonight you got out of it without allowing a run, but I saw something tonight that I did not like one bit. JONATHAN ROBERT, I SAW YOU SHAKING OFF PITCH CALLS. WE DO NOT SHAKE OFF PITCH CALLS IN THIS HOUSE. Ask your buddy Josh what happens when you shake off pitch calls. You end up reeking of pachouli and getting taken deep so many times that you'll start confusing baseball games with your attempts to pull sorority girls.
Fortunately, you fucking own Derek Jeter's ass, to the point that I would not be surprised if you had tattooed "Property of JRP" on his left butt cheek at some point during your last six meetings. Did you shake off any pitch calls during that positively masterful clutch three pitch strike out? No? I DIDN'T THINK SO.
P.S. -- Tell Julian I said happy birthday. I ... never thought I'd be wishing Julian Tavarez a happy birthday.
P.P.S. -- Tell NESN that if they take the Eck away again, Kathryn Tappen gets it.