Tuesday, May 22, 2007

the most enraged post you can possibly make after handily beating the yankees

Dear Jonathan,

We need to talk. First it there was the three-hit, one-run performance against the Braves this weekend, but tonight? Back-to-back walks? Two on and no one out in the bottom of the ninth in Yankee fucking Stadium? These two innings took years off my life that I'll never get back. And, yeah, I know, they were both non-save situations, and on Sunday you also struck out the side and tonight you got out of it without allowing a run, but I saw something tonight that I did not like one bit. JONATHAN ROBERT, I SAW YOU SHAKING OFF PITCH CALLS. WE DO NOT SHAKE OFF PITCH CALLS IN THIS HOUSE. Ask your buddy Josh what happens when you shake off pitch calls. You end up reeking of pachouli and getting taken deep so many times that you'll start confusing baseball games with your attempts to pull sorority girls.

Fortunately, you fucking own Derek Jeter's ass, to the point that I would not be surprised if you had tattooed "Property of JRP" on his left butt cheek at some point during your last six meetings. Did you shake off any pitch calls during that positively masterful clutch three pitch strike out? No? I DIDN'T THINK SO.

xoxo,
Kelly

P.S. -- Tell Julian I said happy birthday. I ... never thought I'd be wishing Julian Tavarez a happy birthday.

P.P.S. -- Tell NESN that if they take the Eck away again, Kathryn Tappen gets it.

8 Comments:

At 7:57 AM, Blogger Beth said...

oooh you fullnamed him!

 
At 9:49 AM, Blogger Kristen said...

Sometimes full naming is necessary. I didn't see the shake-offs because it's hard to notice such things when your head is hidden underneath a pillow. But what does he think he's doing? I hope Tek gave him a stern talking to. You know, much like you did.

Mike Timlin is also familiar with what happens if you shake off Tek. and Mike Timlin is on the DL. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger kelly said...

so many times during the course of a given week, i think to myself, "wwtk?" (what would tek do?) the answer: tough love!

 
At 11:09 AM, Blogger Beth said...

also, with the first name jonathan and the middle name robert, and a birthplace in louisiana, i'm confused as to how he got to be "jonathan" and not "jay arr." <--*said with an exaggerated hillbilly accent*

 
At 5:17 PM, Blogger Mike said...

I only saw JRP shake Tek off once, with Giambi at the plate, but that was one time too many.I'm sure after your post, Jonathan won't repeat the mistake.

I am also glad Eck is finally back, and Macha was designated for assignment.

 
At 11:28 PM, Blogger Jared said...

RE: WWTD

Tek once challenged John Kruk to a "Who has more testicles contest."

Tek won by five.

 
At 11:36 AM, Blogger kelly said...

Jared, re: WWTD?

When Jason Varitek goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

 
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