Monday, February 26, 2007

rumors re: the internets

Blah blah is Papelbon a potential closer for 2007? It depends on what your definition of "is" is.

The gem of this article (by the CHB [*], of all people) is: He was also touting a dot-com company in which he invested heavily during the offseason. "Gonna make me a cadzillionaire," he said.

I cannot fathom what kind of dot-com in which Paps would heavily invest. ? ? [**] ? ? ?

[*] Does anyone else get the feeling that the CHB has a certain number of columns he has to write per year but the Globe doesn't really care how he spaces them out? During spring training, he's posting, like, twice a day, on such scintillating topics as "Is Daisuke Matsuzaka awesome?" or "Why does Manny have to go and make things so complicated?" or "Am I just jealous that Theo has minions and the Globe's interns won't even get me coffee?" And then in July he'll post once a week, and it'll be some bizarre diatribe about the off-season trade moves made by the the Bruins.

[**] Obvs. Schilling tried to get Paps into the exciting world of online gaming commerce, but Paps wisely decided to pick something that didn't involve, you know, elves.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

a nice, healthy, post-break-up fist-pump

Still waiting anxiously to find out if Papelbon's duck recipe was edible.

Down the way from the fantasy trailer park where
wifebeater-wearing Jason Varitek and Mike Timlin are raising up little Jon and Jonathan, in a -- how shall I put this -- slightly more gentrified part of town, is the condo where Derek and Alex live. Because sleeping over at someone's house five nights a week is what you do after you've claimed a drawer for your change of socks and underwear and right before your boyfriend breaks down and says you should probably just move in together.

(I imagine their courtship involved a lot of promising to give each other's Hall of Fame induction speeches, and then one night, Jetes said, in the sort of hushed whisper a child uses when he tells the nanny "I wish you were my real mom," Jetes said, "I wish there was some way you could play for the Yankees.")

But domestic bliss wasn't all it was cracked up to be, and everyone knows it never works when your long-distance girlfriend moves across country to be with you, and now Alex is staying in a seedy motel somewhere, and now he "doesn't sleep over," which means he probably shows up at the front door of the condo once every couple months, drunk on wine coolers, and they have bitter ex-sex and A-Rod goes home unfulfilled.

As the PM said to me last night: "STOP IT YOU ARE MAKING ME SAD THAT MY SWORN ENEMY AND HIS EVIL BUTTBOY AREN'T FRIENDS." Meanwhile, while one couple's love dies, another pair of star-crossed lovers
find each other for the first time.

(Looking at that picture reminds me of my roommate when I lived in Vermont, who was named Sarah and had a girlfriend named Sarah, and each of them had an ex-girlfriend named ... Sarah.)

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

was blind but now i see

5 things I learned while watching NESN's 45 Days of Spring Training programming last night:

1. Papelbon, when asked about the subluxation (in a live interview! with Tom Caron), said that "God made [him] a little more loose-jointed than other people." Also made reference to "grueling" off-season shoulder regimen, hopefully that meant "lots of one-handed light saber duels."

2. So I guess there are a lot of Japanese reporters in Ft. Myers this season? Not sure why, though.

3. Beckett, when asked to give Matsuzaka one piece of advice, looked into the camera with the eyes of a man who has been humming once was lost / but now i'm found under his breath a lot recently and said that the most important piece of advice he could give him was "trust Tek." He went on to say that (mumble mumble) last year he came in as the new guy (mumble mumble) had a certain way he liked to do things (mumble mumble) should just trust Tek (mumble mumble) he knows best. Glad to see Dave Matthew Band's biggest fan has learned his lesson.

4. Tina Cervasio's cavernous maw seems to have gotten even larger during the off-season. Maybe she's injecting it with Human Growth Hormone?

5. So there are all these reporters there? And, it's the weirdest thing; they're all from ... Japan.

Friday, February 16, 2007

happy pitchers and catchers day!!1!!1!

Lately I seem to oscillate exclusively between freezing to death and obsessively reading the news from Ft. Myers, which briefly warms the cockles of my icy heart. But then I venture back out into Ice Planet Hoth. But then I see pictures of baby crab-in-a-bucket Jon Lester. I'm starting to feel like that pint of ice cream in the back of your freezer, the one covered in an inch of freezer burn because you took it out and let it half-melt one too many times.

However, from the depths of the Extra Bases blog,
Jonathan Papelbon's Duck Recipe:

Marinate the duck in Coke (yes, you read that correctly) and Italian dressing in a Ziploc bag. (Papelbon said the soda removes the game-y flavor from the duck.) Then slice the duck breast into four pieces. Wrap each of those in bacon, jalapeno peppers, and sour cream. And then, in his words, "throw it all on a grill, and it's amazing."

When I was in elementary school, my friends and I used to pile up scraps from our lunches, pour a juice box over it and mix it all up into a vomit-like concoction and then dare each other to eat it. That's what I imagine Pap's duck recipe tastes like.

But in even more disturbing news, what is that thing on Kevin Youkilis' face? I said many times last year that Kevin Youkilis reminded me of the book
Under the Skin by Michael Faber. In the book, humans were kidnapped by aliens and bred like cattle, and the aliens fed them all these hormones that made all their body hair fall out and their skin turn bright pink, and I always thought Kevin Youkilis looked like an escapee from that breeding farm, but, God dammit! This is not a proportionate response!

Friday, February 02, 2007

i'm jonathon papelbon and i'm here to rescue you

the off-season adventures of jonathan papelbon:

*"photo" by cspan.

9a.m.: Get up, prepare bowl of Cheerios for delicious off-season training regimen breakfast.
10a.m.: Finish cereal. Off-season training regimen involves only using right arm for pitching-related purposes. Eating cereal left-handed is hard.

Receive voicemail from Tek re: A-Rod's postseason batting average. Secretly think Tek shouldn't be pointing fingers. Would obvs never say that, saw what happened to A-Rod, no way could take Tek--esp. one-handed.

Able to sneak extra letters to use "subluxation" in game of Scrabble with Dougie, but before master plan comes to fruition, he spills sambucca on the board while demonstrating new bomb-hitting technique and game is over.

Offer to take twins trick-or-treating. Twins apparently "over that shit" fifteen years ago, say I just want an excuse to wear my Luke Skywalker costume again. Twins suck. Luke Skywalker, awes.

Timlin suggests bow-hunting trip. Decline as may be detrimental to off-season training regimen. Timlin asks if it's hard to do sissy-girl calisthenics one-handed. Try to ignore him, eventually he leaves shouting "I'll use both hands when I fuck your wife!"

While watching The Lion King before bed again, ask Ashley if she's been missing anything since the season ended. Says no. Probably not lying, but to be safe, delete TIMLIN from her phone.

Wonder what it would take to get people saying "just Paps being Paps."

Try to come up with Jon-as-baseball's-Lance-Armstrong joke, but nothing works. Maybe cancer jokes still not funny. Sign card "K Lymphoma" instead.

Listen to Schill practice his Japanese for fifteen minutes. Don't speak Japanese, so ignore him the entire time. Not much different than all conversations with Schill. Leave when he starts Googling Japanese Everquest sites.

Twins send awesome light-saber for Christmas. Hard to fight Vader left-handed. Consider easing back into use of right arm.

New Years' Resolution, 2007: Don't blow out shoulder and fuck up total bad-ass season. Also, floss more.

Text Tom Brady to see if he wants to get a glass of wine or something. Response: "Bring kung-pao chicken and movie (anything but i, robot). Don't really feel like leaving house right now." Wonder how he feels about The Lion King.

Try to buy wedding gift for Theo. Crate and Barrel registry doesn't include replacement closer. Settle on waffle iron.

Pack bags for Fort Meyers. Re-pack, leaving out light saber. Re-pack including light saber and Luke Skywalker costume, but decide will only pitch in it if win a bet.