Sunday, April 29, 2007

earthquake weather

Dear Me Three Days in the Past,

1. Pack your umbrella this morning, it's going to rain.
2. When you and Katie can't decide where to go to brunch on Saturday, and you say, "Well, let's not go to Johnny D's, we've been there a lot recently," just go to Johnny D's -- that's where you'll eventually end up anyway.
3. The Sox are going to take two out of three this weekend. Yeah, I know, but they're going to win the Friday and Sunday games.

Yourself Three Days in the Future

Other things I wouldn't have necessarily believed on Thursday: Dice-K gave up four earned runs in six innings in his winning appearance, Batshit Tavarez gave up a totally comparable (and nearly superior) three in five plus. Even though he finally notched his first save, Mariano Rivera still has a four-digit ERA. Alex Cora currently leads the team in batting average. Six games into the 2007 edition of the so-called greatest rivalry in baseball, the only player to get himself ejected: Coco Crisp. (Not that Crazy Julian wasn't doing his part when he briefly started playing by the rules of dodgeball with Mientkiewicz.)

Katie and I celebrated Papelbon's eighth save in eight opportunities and his second annual scoreless April by playing a couple rounds of Big Buck Hunter Pro. She kicked my ass 7869 points to 2859. I even blew the bonus duck shooting round. Clearly she is the more Papelbonian of the two of us.

Friday, April 27, 2007

no one will notice

sox/yankees papelblog Q&A

Q: What's that smell?
A: Grapefruit and shoddy fielding. Must be in Jeter's house.

Q: Why do you hurt me with your love of Youk's goatee?
A: Shut up, we don't say bad things about people who just hit homeruns.

Q: Is it the fact that he's invested so much time becoming the new Mrs. Clemens that I always expect Andy Pettite to be smaller and blonder?
A: Yes, and in fact, it's confusing that he doesn't just look like Koby Clemens.

Q: Remy and DonO spend so much time together-- do you think they hang out during the offseason?
A: Maybe not, I mean, they are dudes.

Q: So, does DiceK have a 4th inning problem?
A: Um. Apparently, yes.

Q: You know what's the best part of a walked-in run?
A: It's the baseball equivalent of the safety, the most humiliating way to score.

Q: Was that a wild pitch or a passed ball?
A: Officially, a wild pitch but I dispute that because Posada is a little bitch and I want the stats to reflect that.

Q: Is Timlin shaky about hits up the middle after the other evening?
A: Maybe you should ask your wife.

Q: Why would you bring Rivera in for an anti-save whey you're DOWN three runs?
A: Because Pettite isn't available to close a game he started.

Q: What's more humiliating than a walked-in run?
A: TWO walked-in runs in one game.

Q: You know what sucks?
A: Yankee pitching.

And we leave you with the best thing Remy's said in AGES:
"So now we get to see Vizcaino not be on the same page as Posada maybe three or four more times."

Thursday, April 26, 2007

kill mode!

4/26502.488.082003Go ahead believe that you are the chosen one

Eight innings deep? Hangin' tough until the run support showed up? Racking up five wins in his first five starts, making him MLB's first five-game winner and putting him in the company of, uh, Babe Ruth and Pedro Martinez? Okay then, Josh Beckett, get down with your fictionally jam band loving self.

Three additional items:

1. The Sox currently
lead the league in bullpen ERA. It's hard to believe that the bus driver era might really be behind us. Papelbon notching his seventh save in seventh chances tonight, and carrying that pristine 0.00 ERA (I feel like I should be wearing white gloves when I type about it) through 8.1 innings of work doesn't hurt.

2. Speaking of which,
this quote from Paps re: facing A-Rod on Sunday night is the greatest fucking thing I've read all week (although to be fair, the only thing I've read this week has been my own grant writing): "It was just one of those situations where I didn't care who was up," said Papelbon. "I was in kill mode, you know? I was in there to stick the dagger in." Kill mode! Very Papelbonian.

3. I wasn't even going to mention the slow news day snooze-fest that has been Sockgate, but this is a good one, as told by Remdawg and Don-O during tonight's broadcast: Dougie was entertaining between 40 and 50 reporters at this locker after Wednesday night's game (Remy: "He was like the Secretary of State"), and his locker was right next to Dice-K's. Dice-K comes around the corner, thinks all the reporters are there to see him, doesn't know what's going on and "a group of players, including Papelbon" told him all the reporters were there to talk to him because he'd been traded to Milwaukee -- for Jeff Suppan.

ETA: Katie points out that there's a full account of the Suppan trade that wasn't (and it was definitely Papelbon who said it) here.


Wednesday, April 25, 2007

thanks, beautiful

Clearly, all the people I know knew something about last night's game that I didn't. Because after my roommate turned down a trip to Fenway, I went through a mile long list of everyone who I wasn't already going to multiple games with this season and not a single one was available (excuses ranged from illness to homework to corn-planting). In the end, kelly called me at 6:30 from Davis Sq. where she was carrying groceries and wearing a dress. I said, "where are you right now?" and the end result was that she managed to go home, change, and actually beat me to Fenway, getting there at 7:14. So not only did we get to witness a spectacular loss, we also proved the oft-suspected fact that a cab ride from Somerville to Fenway in Sox traffic is still faster than taking 5 stops on the B Line. Go, MBTA!

Our seats were in the left field corner where the wall meets the Monster. If you watched the game on tv and saw a smiling middle-aged man catch the foul ball over there early in the game, please be aware that that ball actually HIT the little girl sitting behind him and while she was crying from the impact, he leaned over and picked it up from in front of her. Cold-hearted. The poor thing had to get an icepack for most of the game and she didn't even get a ball for her trouble.

Obvs, the best part of sitting in the left-field corner is the pas de deux between Manny and the guys who managed to sneak beer into the CVS Family Section. My favorite was when one of the guys shouted "Manny, you teach Wily Mo how to catch and he can teach you how to throw!" followed immediately by the realization that "I can't believe I just asked Manny to teach someone how to catch." And Manny really does laugh when the fans sarcastically over-excitedly cheer his slow grab-and-throw attempts. Oh, that crazy kid. At one point he was juggling his glove around in the air while someone was at bat. Seriously.

We also had a delightful view of Mike Lowell's ass, but I suppose that's neither here nor there.

Speaking of Lowell, they don't appear to make his shirt in red. And I only buy the shirts in red because I don't wear navy. I wanted either Lowell or Beckett and I could find neither (Beckett's won me over, dude, I cannot help it. I want to hear all about DMB, I really do). I did, however, consider getting a Clement shirt instead so I could give it to someone I hire to bring me coffee in the morning and let me throw baseballs at their face. No, really, I think it would make me feel better.

The game itself was, clearly, disappointing. Not only did Tavarez not pitch as well as one might like, he also wasn't batshit crazy and that's what I've come to enjoy most about his abortive attempts at being a professional baseball player. There was very little of his trademark directing traffic. Though, perhaps after the third error, he just gave up. But, it was a beautiful night at Fenway and I hadn't been to a game yet this season, and the bootleg t-shirt sellers in Kenmore Sq. are totally selling brilliant shirts that say "Yankees Suck" in Japanese. So it can't be that bad, right?

Saturday, April 21, 2007

can't start a fire without a spark

4/21402.556.294027What I want is what I've not got / What I need is all around me

The Random Josh Beckett Pitching Performance Generator gives us this Dave Matthews Band lyric on a day when Beckett didn't exactly pitch a gem, but the offense kept the Sox in the game early (both the usual suspects -- Papi! -- and some unexpected ones -- Coco!?!) and the bullpen kept them in the game late. But props to Beckett himself, too. This time last year, DMB's biggest fan would have gotten frustrated and starting hurtling fastballs with all the unpredictability of a pitching machine, but he really double-knotted his Ninja Turtle shoelaces after the second inning, and managed to keep grinding it out.

Papelbon, incidentally, has now notched 5 saves in 5 opportunities, has worked his way out of a couple of jams, maintains a 0.00 ERA and 12 strike outs over 6.1 innings of work. I've crunched the numbers, and I believe this indicates he is on target to put up a 27.75 K/9 for the season. Yes, you read that right, occasionally Papelbon will strike out an opposing batter twice in one plate appearance. And if there's an Allah, the first batter who will meet this fate will be Derek Jeter.

On a more sentimental note: We've seen some pitching gems over the last couple weeks, and we've seen some offensive routs. But it's these close games that I love, as much as I tear my hair out while they're happening, and it's games like this one that makes me excited about watching this team all summer long, drunk at odd hours, stumbling around Somerville wearing my A-ROD SLAPS BALLS t-shirt.


Friday, April 20, 2007

feliz navidad, motherfuckers!

In which Kelly live-blogs the first Sox/Yankees game of the season:

7:05PM: This afternoon, one of my co-workers said, "Big series this weekend, huh?" and I said, "Yeah, I'm worried." And he said, "Why are you worried? We've got Schilling, Beckett and Dice-K, Manny's bat is finally waking up, Coco's laying down the bunt, and--" "No," I said, "I'm worried about my liver." Sox and Yankees, the best rivalry in sports!

7:09PM: Like a good Somerville hipster, I have a Timbuk2 bag. Its panels are strawberry red and leaf green, and Cspan once remarked that it looked like Christmas in Mexico. The Red Sox look the same way in their green jerseys. Olé! I mean, play ball!

7:13PM: Now seems like as good a time as any to quote the Papelblog Official Favorite Passage ™ from The Life You Imagine by Derek Jeter: I'm not going to tell you that as a 26-year-old multimillionaire who still has all of his hair, all of his teeth, and can get dates that I have a perfect life, but it's good. All his teeth! All his hair! All his grapefruit-scented intangibles! It's … good to be Jetes?

7:19PM: Youk is down! I repeat, Youk is down! Clear the benches! Or, uh, he's up! He's jogging to first base! He seems like he's totally fine! God dammit, can you tell that I'm hungering for a brawl? Where's Tavarez when you need him?

7:20PM: First of 1,493 shots tonight of Joe Torre looking like he just caught you banging his daughter. Or, perhaps, A-Rod.

7:24PM: The Reinvention of Slappy McBlue Lips up to bat. Did anyone else notice that fucking huge picture of him flapping his arms like a little girl, taking up the entire top half of the front page of the Globe sports section this morning? Could they not find any pictures of pictures of Manny taking care of business, or Tavarez gesturing like a crazy person, or some beige paint on a beige wall or something? I almost choked on my latte. Not on, Globe, not on.

7:28PM: When Jason Giambi's baseball career is over, I'm very confident that he'll have a promising career as someone named "Bubba."

7:45PM: Yanks have scored their first run, I am starting to feel the effects of drinking alone in the dark. Good times! The PM wanders in, reminds me that she likes to refer to Schill as "Good Old Shoe," ala Wag the Dog.

7:49PM: All things considered, Schill gets through the top of the third with a minimum amount of damage. Now let's see if we can get through the bottom of the inning without a double play.

8:04PM: Time for a Sportsdesk Update With Hazel Mae Hazel Mae Update with Sportsdesk -- she's wearing a sharp black pinstripe suit and a demure white camisole underneath. Why must she cover up the assets in this way?

8:07PM: A-Rod solo homerun to the Monster. To his credit, he manages to avoid flapping his arms like he thinks he can fly. No, never mind, screw that guy, no credit for him. If the brave new world outlined here comes to pass, count me out. I'll start following cricket.

8:23PM: Drew, what were you just doing with that easily picked-off attempt on second base? Remy clearly agrees with me, he just said "there must have been a sign that was missed" about 35 times in the next 90 seconds.

8:26PM: OH CAPTAIN COMMA MY CAPTAIN. I get up to find my phone to call Katie, and when I find my phone, it's already ringing. She says, "Dougie can suck it!" As her if she has anything to add to my up-all-night-home-alone live blog spectacular, she says she thinks she forced Posada out of the game with her mind, because she was thinking about our last Sox/Yanks live blog, when she said that he wins the perpetual "Yankee I'd Make Sleep with a Cow" award, except not really, because that would be mean to the cow.

8:44PM: Coco's ass-over-tea kettle leap into the bullpen during the A-Rod homer was briefly hilarious, funniest fucking thing I've seen all week. Then I remembered that A-Rod homered again and, well.

8:58PM: Realize I am absentmindedly humming the Foxwoods "for the wonder of it all!" song under my breath. I watch too much NESN.

9:08PM: Surprised to see Schilling out for the seventh -- he's thrown 95 pitches, figure we will see him get yanked at some point this inning, yes?

9:11PM: But it's three up, three down with two Ks for Schilling, so what the fuck do I know?

9:32PM: So we're through seven, it's still 5-2 Yankees, J.C. Romero is pitching to A-Rod and I had one more beer in the fridge than I thought. My other roommate, Paddy McMurphy, is now watching the game with me, but so far his only contribution to the proceedings has been to laugh with a mixture of nervousness and politeness when I start rambling about how, things didn't seem so good right now, but it's been a close game, and Varitek hit a home run, and the offense is going to explode any minute now, and -- 6-2 Yankees.

9:52PM: Papi did not slide into second base on that double in the bottom of the eighth so much as he crawled? Tripped? Can I get a ruling from the first base ump on the nature of that misstep?

10:02PM: Apparently we scored a run just now. Honestly, I missed it, because the PM just came home. She went out to dinner with two of our friends, but I said I wanted to stay home and watch the game in my pajamas. That's cool, right? And people wonder why she's divorcing me.

10:03PM: Riiiiiiiiiiivera. Somewhere, Paps takes furious notes. Although they did show that clip of Rivera getting a standing ovation during Opening Day 2005.

10:07PM: Okay! 6-4, Sox! Now, let's--

10:08PM: HOLY SHIT COCO!!!1!!!11!!!1!!

10:10PM: 7-6 SOX! I explain to the two friends that the PM brought home with her to watch the end of the game that they were the good luck charm and they cannot leave our apartment until the end of the season.

10:12PM: I start clutching the PM's hand like a drunk wretch, wondering who's going to pitch the ninth. Shot of Papelbon sitting in the dugout, sends me into fits. Martha, one of the friends who came home with the PM, mentions that she broke out "Papelbon = Baby Simba" in a bar last weekend, and it totally killed. We make on the path uuuuuuunwiiiiinding jokes through the end of the eighth.

10:19PM: Now that the PM is home, insults against Jeter are flying fast and furious. Most of them are unprintable, but she she did just us of last season's on-going running joke, the Derek Jeter ass lift. "I paid a LOT of money for this ASS, and you are going to admire it, OKAY?"

10:22PM: Okajima walks Abreu, and Terry Francona really looks like he could use some dip or a glass of wine or something right now.

10:25PM: Every time I see Dice-K in the dugout, Tavarez is touching him. The group discusses this, and visiting good luck charm friend Martha says her father doesn't like Tavarez because he's "shifty." Clearly her father does not realize that 23% of the reason Tavarez exists is to be "shifty." Meanwhile, A-Rod flies out. Fuck yeah.

10:29PM: Okajima strikes out Thompson to end the game! Guess he won't be a hero in the dark anymore! Yes!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

el tío que juega en la antesala solamente tiene un huevo

Apparently, Dougie IS actually a stud who hits bombs. 2 games, 2 HRs. You think they snuck some "going deep tonight" incentives into his contract along with all the weight loss incentives? Maybe he's visualizing the ball as one of those nice, tasty chicken parms he's no longer supposed to have and just sending it flying? I don't know, man, but I think we should just enjoy it while it lasts.

You know what I still find wonderful? How when you're watching a game in public, be it at Fenway or just in a bar, (Cask & Flagon, for those keeping track) and Papelbon comes out, everyone gets really quiet and focused. It's a bit like a religious ritual. And when he walked that guy, I swear I could hear everyone in the room hold their breath until he got out of it. Amazing! I think the save stat is bullshit, but that ERA is still a beautifully round 0.00, so all is right with the world.

While watching the Cavernous Maw of Tina Cervasio interview Lowell last night after his own SMASHING homerun we were speculating that she spent the non-aired portion of the interview asking if Lowell was still friends with
Loretta, because maybe he knew if Loretta lost her number or something, because he hasn't called since he left and she totally told him she'd wait for him and it's just...she really misses him! Ultimately, we decided the best thing for everyone (and by everyone, we mean "us") would be for the Cavernous Maw to start dating Pedroia because she'd totally call him 'Mark' during their intimate moments.

Speaking of the women of NESN (they should do a calendar!), the question of Amalie Benjamin was recently raised in the comments to kelly's post on Hazel Mae. Amalie actually showed up last night on Extra Innings and she seemed cute enough, but I'm not sure she's even old enough to buy beer. She's got adorable little hipster glasses, though, so there's that. Still, I doubt it's enough to distract kelly from Hazel Mae's um, sweaters.

Moving to today's game (which will leave us nothing to talk about tomorrow, but what the hell), have Kelly's 3 Deep Observations on watching the first 4 innings at the "office" across the street from her office:

1. First inning, second out. Tavarez gets to cover first base, which we all know is his favorite thing in the WHOLE WORLD [Katie's note: And MINE TOO!]. After tagging the bag, he does a weird motion that I thought was a fist pump, but I think he was actually cowering away from the runner. Or he has an upset stomach.

2. Third inning, first out. Ground ball hit between first and second base, and as the camera pans toward Pedroia making the scoop, you can see Tavarez RACING toward the bag, you know, just in case Hinske suffers a brain seizure and he needs someone to cover.

3. With the Manny New Yorker article shedding new light for me on just how long he and Julian have been friends (they came up together in Cleveland, apparently), I wondered if he might play harder when his best buddy was starting. But after that ball-burping-out-of-his-glove business in the bottom of the third, I ... guess not? But as cspan is hopefully getting printed on t-shirts any day now, Manny knows it's not July.

Really, I should have just let kelly write this post, since I also made her get me the Spanish for the subject line. Which, by the way, did you know that there's a English-to-Spanish baseball term dictionary on the Baseball Hall of F
ame website? Remarkable!

And finally, if you have not yet read the aforementioned New Yorker
article, you should definitely get right to it and then share your favorite Manny-ism with the world (read: "us", yet again). It has some fascinating tidbits-- I think my favorite was the bit about the "Prohibit City"-- so cute!

ETA: kelly says, in retrospect, take back what i said about manny. Indeed.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

i can't believe dan shaughnessy never wrote a folk song about that.

With an homage and apologies to A Softer World:

(click on the image link to enlarge)

Monday, April 16, 2007

still waiting for may 1 to make that list

4/16301.506.0061115Hope laid upon hope / That this crowd will not subside

I have to tell you, most of the lyrics we picked out (besides being nonsense rhymes about getting high) had a vague negative connotation. I am so happy not to have to use so many of these! I watched most of Beckett's press conference after the game and I had forgotten that when I'm not busy bitching about his stupid unwillingness to throw curveballs, I actually find him delightful.

This article about the rain out rotation changes continues to win me over to the side of Tavarez fans (?). First, the image of him sleeping (read: passed-out?) on the clubhouse couch and second, the "I'm not mad, not mad at all" and "I'm going to pitch if I'm alive." I like that he expects death at any moment-- it's the only way to live, really. I sort of feel bad for the guy, with Tito pretty much saying, "yeah, Tavarez is my bitch-- I can have him start whenever I want" and knowing that he's just warming that rotation spot for Lester.

Dawn Timlin and Shonda Schilling (I like to think of them as the "Heathers" of the Red Sox wives, but that's just because I'm kind of mean) are both running the Boston Marathon. I hope all this rain doesn't mess up their hair.


Friday, April 13, 2007

jet lag

I'm back from Seattle, where you can walk into a bar a half-hour before game time and say, "Hey, are you going to show the Mariners game?" and get nothing but a blank stare from the waitress, and the free weekly publishes alternately snotty and lamenting articles on why the city is too cool to engage in such a pedestrian pass time as rooting for the home team.

(The best part of the article is when the owner of a fledgling sports bar says that while 20 to 25 people will show up to watch a local team on game night, 100 or so Boston transplants will show up to watch if a Boston team is playing. Good work, nation!)

Four things while I erase a week's worth of Red Sox Report from the DVR and wait for the Wake & Dougie show:

1. This morning the PM and I were walking to the T and I told her about Papelbon's new locker, and hypothesized that maybe there was an empty locker between Pap and Beckett because of the smell of strung-up duck carcasses and the PM pointed out that obviously he's using the extra locker as a smoker, and sometimes Beckett sort of sniffs and looks confused, but it doesn't smell like pachouli, cannabis or Tom's of Maine deodorant, so he just lets it go.

2. Due to yesterday's rain-out, Tavarez is apparently going to get the Patriot's Day start. To quote Mike, the potential for batshit crazy patented lunacy and other assorted shenanigans is particularly high, but one thing concerns me -- the Patriot's Day game starts at ten o'clock in the morning. Julian Tavarez really strikes me as the kind of guy who's usually passed out face-first on a cement floor at ten o'clock in the morning, dead to the world after a long night of bar fighting. Is someone going to make sure he actually shows up to the park on time? I would suggest his close chum Manny, but that's sort of like the blind leading the blind, or a blind dog trying to teach itself new tricks or .. some other really bad idea.

3. The weather has been wretch, and rain-outs suck, but the real victim here is Hazel Mae! We're almost two weeks into the season and I've yet to see my secret girlfriend in one of her trademark sweaters. (I know that I have to compete with Red and an unnamed Blue Jays non-roster invitee, but I'm confident that with a couple roofies a little charm, Hazel will someday switch teams for me.)

4. Great article on the second gear of Papelbon's fastball, although it does fail to mention that while some players have been caught doctoring with pine tar, Papelbon has been known to get an extra spin from an application of confit.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

that's the only dmb song i ever listened to of my own volition

4/10201.507.0021008Celebrate we will / Because life is short but sweet for certain

Oh, Beckett! And okay, sure, the Mariners have pretty much been sitting in a hotel room in Cleveland waiting for the snow to stop (which based on the oh-so-depressing weather report is exactly what they may find themselves doing again tomorrow). And the offense more than did its part. And you know, home opener so it's extra-special, but still. Beckett! That was a beautiful performance. 15 batters in a row! I hope he went out and scored with multiple skanky college girls while listening to all DMB's greatest hits!

Unrelated to anything awesome, but something I've been meaning to discuss: I missed the beginning of last Saturday's loss to Texas (I was making cupcakes, a very important task), so I was completely shocked on Sunday when I flipped past NESN's re-air to see the AMAZINGLY CONFUSING songvid of Tavarez clips set to "Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel." I mean, I'm weirdly into the Julian Tavarez-as-starter era (he's really funny out there and he fields the ball like crazy, which is something I enjoy watching a pitcher do), but really? An "angel"? Julian Tavarez looks like something out of a Stephen King novel, that is an indisputable fact and I don't actually believe in angels, but I'm pretty sure the popular iconography would support my claim that they do not look like Tavarez.

Other than that, it's time for the Dice-K Show (now with English subtitles!) and I think a few people might be excited about that.


Monday, April 09, 2007

you may have heard, ice water in his veins?

I'm not here! I'm totally in Canada! And even though I hate Joe Morgan with the burning fire of a thousand suns, I was willing to trade the bleeding ears for being able to watch last night's game on ESPN. I just wanted to say -- of all the things that were written about last night's five-out save, my favorites are coming out of the comments on Rob Bradford's This just in ... Papelbon is good post.

There was a great shot of Michael Young on the dugout steps, reacting to the sight of Papelbon coming out of the 'pen, in which Young's expression said it all. It was like Chief Brody's reaction when the shark pops up behind the boat in "Jaws": "We're gonna need a bigger boat."

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Friday, April 06, 2007

probably when you're sleeping, and he'll probably look like someone you love, just to make it worse when he strikes you out.

And so it came to pass, just as it was foretold, that each year, on the fifth day of the fourth month, a great warrior would descend from the southern duck mountains, and all manner of Hell would be released, and the door would be slammed on his enemies and he would collect his first save of the campaign.

--so, Papelbon
collects his first save of 2007, exactly one year after he collected his first save of 2006. Three up, three down, 2 strike outs, 100% bad ass new god. At the risk of sounding like I'm describing Derek Jeter's intangibles or the grit of David Eckstein or something -- we don't exactly trade in objectivity around here when it comes to #58, but the Papelbon I saw yesterday afternoon didn't look like the one I saw in Spring Training, or the one I saw pitching middle relief in 2005. Call it a placebo effect, but I really think he brings something extra when he knows that this one inning is for all the marbles. Maybe it's all in his head (maybe it's all in my head), but I don't care. Cue the theme from Pride Rock, baseball season has officially begun.


1. For the first seven innings, this new guy pitched? He was wearing the traitor's old number? 10 strikeouts? Huh.

2. If you're worried about getting caught sneaking out to the bar across the street from your office for a first and second inning late lunch, I recommend inviting along your department director.

3. Remind me to never plan a spur of the moment vacation again: I'm going out of town tonight, and I'm going to be out of the country for the home opener. What really burns is that I'm going to be in Seattle on Monday and Thursday, so if I'd planned things a little better, I could have at least watched the Mariners affiliate. Anyway, I'm sure my college roommate will think it's awesome when I insist on spending my visit checking the ESPN box score 10,000 times. Until then, I leave you all in Katie's capable hands.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

getting high is awesome

I got an email full of DMB lyrics yesterday, a sure sign that Beckett was pitching. And hey, he didn't do so bad. It's unfortunate there's no DMB lyric about not shaking off pitches. But then, so many things about DMB are unfortunate.

4/4101.805.0021045Crazy, how you make it all alright

In other news.

K: (Pedroia)'s so wee!
K: Sea monkeys have small arms, not a lot of power.
K: He keeps hitting it foul.
K: Maybe Dougie's teaching him how to be a stud who hits bombs.

K: Lowell still looks so sad!
K: It'll be okay, he'll go home and punish himself by listening to tapes of old Castro speeches. In Spanish.

K: Has he thrown any curve balls yet?
K: No. Some fastballs--
K: Boo!
K: --and some change-ups.
K: Dude, he needs to accept the blisters. Stop being a girl and get some damn callouses or something. Just throw the curve ball!!

K: Bases loaded! Only one out! ...Oh. Tek's at bat
K: Yeah, but only one out, so it'll be fine.
K: Coco's on deck.
K: Fuck! Why does that always happen?

K: Does that guy named 'Kason' still pitch for us?
K: Yeah, but he was sent down.
K: Good. I hate that guy. His name's a typo.
K: That's true.
K: It'd be like if your name was "Jelly."
K: Just stop talking now.


Wednesday, April 04, 2007

coke and italian dressing: two great tastes that taste gross together!

Since NESN holds its video clips hostage in some sort of non-linkable, non-downloadable flash player lockbox, I can't send you there directly, but please go here, select the Red Sox Channel and then click to the third page where you should see a clip labeled "Cooking with Jonathan Papelbon." In this magical three-minute clip, Tina Cervasio's Cavernous Maw plays Rachel Ray to Papelbon's ... I don't even know what, and they prepare the infamous Duck Recipe.

He talks a lot about how duck hunting "relaxes" him (does this make anyone else slightly nervous?) and refers to the pieces of duck breast repeatedly as "nuggets." And he puts them on skewers, wrapped in cream cheese, jalapeños and bacon. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Eventually Tina deposits one in the Cavernous Maw, and she kind of looks like she wants to do the same. Whatever, I take the existence of this segment to mean that we are this much closer to making
Hangin' With Paps and Papi a reality.

And, hey, Josh Beckett's pitching tonight! To review, the Papelblog party line on Josh Beckett:

99 pitches and a bitch ain't one: More importantly, exactly how many DMB concerts do you think Josh Beckett has attended in his life? Phish?
Voice mail messages you probably hope you'll never receive: Hi, it's me, and I really want to discuss whether Josh Beckett looks like Chris Kirkpatrick on the cover of the new Improper Bostonian, so, uh, call me back.
Beckett really needs to lay off the fastball in 2007, or: All bets are off and every Beckett start is a three-date Dave Matthews Band concert, and we all wake up high on acid, watching the long balls flit across the sky like comets.
Pass the bowl and settle in: We have decided that if dangling Dave Matthews Band bootlegs like incentives for non-sucktastic pitching performances will not work on Josh Beckett, we might as well start summing up each Josh Beckett pitching performance with a Dave Matthews Band lyric.

So, we're back, we're ready, we're rested, and we'll be coming to you after every Josh Beckett appearance with a Dave Matthews Band lyric report. Feel free to send us lyrical suggestions at simba [at] andalsodeadfish [dot] net -- I stopped listening to Dave Matthews band for "artistic reasons" after they released Everyday and Katie "doesn't listen to jam bands" or something, so.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

i feel awesome

I was walking to the bar last night after skipping out of work early to meet kelly for the game and it was cold and dreary and raining and I just kept thinking "this doesn't feel like baseball at all."

And then I opened the door at Cornwall's and heard a guy at the bar screaming "Lorretah wasn't the reason we sucked last year. The reason we sucked last year was because our pitchers kept coming down with CANCER."

Then, my friends, it felt a lot like baseball.

So the opener was less than ideal. Losing to the Royals right off the bat is not really the option I would choose, especially when it involved the return of my favorite game from last season -- blowing through the entire bullpen. I know Schilling has a blog to get out every day, but I still think it would be nice to go a few innings more. Just a thought. Anyway, I told kelly as she started cursing everything and weeping into her beer that we had to wait until May 1 to make any decisions. Everyone gets a break for the first month. And then, come May 1, we'll make a list of those people who no longer deserve a break.

Well, except Matt Clement. Matt Clement doesn't get a break. Frankly, there's no reason that Matt Clement should be getting a salary. Unless we change the terms of his deal so that we're paying him to bring me my coffee, he gets no break. I don't know what he's even doing still on the team-- I can't find documentation or anything, but I'm pretty sure we all agreed last season that we were going to trade him for a bag of balls.

Other quick thoughts:

* One of the guys in the bar was wearing a JT Snow t-shirt. Did they even make those?

* That Dice-K guy is ADORABLE. I'd somehow missed that during all the hype.

* kelly saw some interview with Lowell where he told a story about speaking to Lugo in Spanish and someone asked him how he knew Spanish. Which leads me to assume that all this time Manny and Tavarez have been going on and on about how "that guy on third only has one ball" in Spanish because they forgot Lowell is Cuban. Lowell's life is a series of everyday tragedies.

* And in actual Papelbon-related news, welcome to my new
desktop image.

Monday, April 02, 2007

christmas in april

"I believe [Papelbon] would have been a very effective starter, but we know he has the rare psychological qualities of a dominant closer."
Q & A with John Henry

Curious about what exactly the "rare psychological qualities" of a dominant closer are (maybe I can grow one on my basement!) I did some poking around Wikipedia and this is what I came up with:

1. Strong resemblance to
Simba in The Lion King.
2. Can take care of business with a
mohawk when necessary.
3. Enjoys the taste of raw duck flesh.
4. Subdues prey with
intimidating fist pump ritual.

So I guess we're good to go, then. Happy Opening Day, everybody!